


Cry

by maxineemalanaphy



Series: Gigi&Crystal [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Sad, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 50,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24238081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxineemalanaphy/pseuds/maxineemalanaphy
Summary: She never wants to strip down to her feelingsShe never wants to kiss and close her eyesShe never wants to cry, cryI never really know when she'll be leavingAnd even with hello I hear goodbyeShe always makes me cry, cry
Relationships: Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Nicky Doll/Gigi Goode, Nicky Doll/Jaida Essence Hall
Series: Gigi&Crystal [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749463
Comments: 122
Kudos: 148





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is the sequel of Levitating, hope you enjoy xx

The art of becoming an adult requires courage, commitment and responsibility with yourself and with others. Becoming a healthy adult is not an easy task, especially when we consider how the society in which we grow up is organized.

“If I grow up, I will be a grown up. If I grow up, I will be independent. If I'm independent, I'll be able to manage. If I can manage, I'll be happy”

Every adult also knows that it won't be easy, that there will be battles to face, defeats to suffer, wounds to repair, hindrances, falls, days of emptiness and disorientation, and then also, of course, tests passed, teachings acquired, moments of rare intensity and happy days.

But becoming an adult will still be an uphill road because growth is change and change is a passage from one status to another and you know, no passage is ever painless. Growing up is research, courage, transformation, openness, trust, strength, acceptance, flexibility, will. All indispensable qualities to make change proactive. Yes, because change can be even worse. It happens when fear, disenchantment, violence, arrogance, envy, control and the inability to face life's challenges take over. Paralysis. Then everything crystallizes, everything stops, life no longer pulsates, there is no more light. Involution.

But fortunately change is the only constant in our existence. It's daily. No day leaves us without metamorphosis within us. Often we are not aware of it but what counts is that we can always get up and resume the path from where we were even if sometimes stops are imposed. 

Crystal and Gigi had been a couple for two years, high school was over and a new experience had begun with college. The girls had decided to turn their lives upside down, breaking away from their safe place which was Gloria and Stephen's house. Thanks to Gigi's parents, who had really kept their promise to be present over the years, the two had taken a house together near Gigi's college. She had chosen to become a fashion designer by going to the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising college. It was quite a prestigious school and Gigi worked day by day to be the best. Despite her initial fears, she ended up feeling really good and then there was also Nicky attending her same classes. 

Crystal had tried college, but things hadn't worked out for her. She enrolled, and after two months, she dropped out. There were so many courses and taking all of them drove her crazy, she couldn't keep up with the fast pace, but the thing that made her decide to quit was that her art was becoming a forcing and no longer her greatest passion. So she left that place and went looking for a job. Luckily, an artist's workshop was looking for someone to teach some painting lessons and Crystal took over immediately. She taught all sorts of people, anyone who wanted to learn how to express themselves through colors and shapes. Her job made her so happy that dropping out of college seemed like the best decision of her life. 

As far as their relationship was concerned, things had been ups and downs over time. Things had been good between them until the middle of their senior year of high school, then they started fighting more and more and when the situation was unbearable, they decided to take a break. This went on for weeks, Gigi and Crystal only talked to each other if strictly necessary, hurting each other. And yet they couldn't stop looking at each other, they couldn't stop missing each other. When Stephen's illness began to worsen, even Crystal had slowly let go of her father's pain and ended up spending most of the time away from home, unable to watch him suffer. Gigi was unable to ignore the situation, she still loved her and the process of self-destruction she was going through had to stop. 

One day Gigi had decided to find out where Crystal was going, what she was doing most of the day to avoid being in the house. She didn't like what she saw, at all: Crystal went down to the station, met a guy to get some marijuana and then smoked until she didn't even know where she was. Gigi felt her heart pounding at her feet and that was the moment she realized that Crystal was still her world. The girl went home, waiting for the other one to come back. Hours went by before it happened.

When Crystal came home, Gigi asked her to talk. For a few moments she was afraid that the break between them would become a permanent breakup, she feared that Gigi wanted to leave her, that she no longer loved her. Crystal was dying just at the thought of it. 

Gigi asked her directly to stop doing what she was doing. Without even realizing it, she started crying, begging her to stop and telling her that she loved her. 

After not even a minute Crystal collapsed into Gigi's arms, recognizing that familiar warmth. The girls got back together and supported each other even more than before, always trying to manage the discussions that arose.

The end of high school and the summer that followed was the best time of their relationship. They realized they were growing up together and there was nothing better. 

On Gigi's birthday, Crystal gave her an album full of photos of the two of them. It was more like a book of memories, which encapsulated in pictures everything they'd been through. It all started from their first photo together, where they were still just friends: Gigi, Crystal and Ethan smiled with their giant ice cream cones. Then in the middle there were all sorts of pictures, from the ones in the fort to the ones by the sea, from the pictures taken in bed to the ones of the little holiday in New York, from their first Christmas together until the following summer. The album ended with one of the last photos they had taken: Gigi was sitting on Crystal's legs while she laughed, the girl looking at her with a loving look. Next to each photo, Crystal had taken time to write lyrics of songs that best described each photo. 

\- Crystal, it's... It's the best gift I've ever received - Gigi looked at her with a sincere smile. The girls exchanged a kiss. 

\- You are the best gift life has given me - Crystal answered her, her smile lit the room. Together they then started fixing up their house for that night's birthday party. Their friends would be reunited after months by now, because of college someone had left Los Angeles. Gigi's new friends would also be there. It was a real party and definitely someone would have crashed. 

As expected, their house was full of people. Crystal was confused, Gigi was amused. Soon the party situation began to take a certain turn. People were drinking, smoking, making out on the couch, making out in the kitchen, dancing. 

Gigi, as usual, hadn't been able to keep up, she had certainly had more than two glasses of vodka lemon. The girl moved to the rhythm of the music and every now and then someone would start chatting with her or wishing her happy birthday. After midnight, Gigi went to the bathroom and outside the door was Nicky. The French girl had greeted her with a smile, she didn't seem to be very drunk unlike her. 

\- It's occupied - Nicky said to her, leaning against the door. 

\- You know who's in there? - Gigi puffed, holding herself against the wall. Noises arose from the bathroom.

\- No, but surely there are at least two people... We'll have to wait - Nicky shrugged her shoulders, approaching the other one.

\- Then I'd better have another drink - the girl laughed, probably another drink would have knocked her out, in fact as soon as she tried to get away she staggered. Nicky grabbed her before she could fall, holding her by the hips.

\- I don't think that's a good idea, come on, I'll take you to your room - Nicky giggled and led her into the bedroom. Gigi's head started spinning, the alcohol was definitely still in her system. 

Nicky sat her down on the bed. The French girl started looking around. The room that belonged to Crystal and Gigi had cream walls, decorated with paintings and photos. The bed in the middle had an orange blanket, Gigi's favorite color. 

Gigi pulled Nicky onto the bed with her, starting to play the child. It used to be that when she drank too much: she became a child in need of attention. 

Nicky was only a few inches away from her face, her eyes kept falling on the other's lips. In the months when their friendship had deepened, the French girl had begun to develop feelings for Gigi, even though she was busy. Being so close to her was becoming difficult.

\- Give me a kiss - Gigi giggled, trying to give her a mold kiss. Nicky turned her face so that her cheek met her lips. Crystal would get mad, and Gigi was rotten drunk. She didn't even know what she was doing.

\- Just one kiss, Nicky, come on. One kiss between friends - she started whining. 

\- No, Gigi, stop it - she said, as she kept getting away from her. Nicky tried to get out of bed, she felt she was about to give in, if she stayed another second she would do what Gigi wanted. She'd been wanting to do it for a long time. Gigi wouldn't let go and picked her up on top of her. Nicky found herself on top of her. Her heart was beating so fast.

\- You like me - Gigi looked her in the eye, with her smug face. Nicky got her words stuck in her throat, she couldn't say anything. For a moment there was an intense look. Nicky had always found Gigi a beautiful girl, but at that moment she found her even more beautiful. A flash of lightning went through her mind and her body followed the order before she could even think. 

Nicky put her lips on Gigi's. Gigi didn't back down, she had got what she wanted and more. The kiss continued for a few seconds. When Gigi's hands fell into her blond hair, Nicky was struck with guilt and walked away.

\- Shit, Gigi - she started. In a moment of clarity, all she could think about was Crystal, how angry she'd be with both of them. 

\- You didn't like that? - Gigi laughed, like she didn't even know what happened. Nicky shook her head, and as she stood to answer her, the door opened slightly. Crystal's head peeped out. 

\- I was looking for you - the curly-haired girl said to Gigi. At that moment she had a moment of clarity, when she realized what she had just done. Nicky turned to Crystal, panicked.

\- I brought her here, she couldn't even stand up - Nicky answered quickly. 

\- Thank you, Nicky. You really are a friend - Crystal smiled at her. Nicky smiled back at her, feeling like shit. Gigi said nothing. 

\- You want me to send everybody home? Do you need any help? - the French girl asked her. Crystal told her everyone had already left and that Widow was waiting for her in the car. Nicky thanked her, said good night to both of them, and before leaving the room, took one last look at Gigi. Despite her guilt, Nicky felt happy to have kissed the person she liked. 

Gigi had disconnected from the world, her head had started to hurt, she just felt the need to sleep. She didn't want to wipe her makeup off or put on something comfortable, nothing, she just wanted to make that headache go away. Crystal let her do it and before falling asleep gave her a kiss on the forehead. 

The next morning Crystal had gone to work early, Gigi had woken up quite late with her head about to burst. She had already regretted drinking so much. 

_ Gigi, do you remember anything from yesterday? - Nicky  _

The display of her phone lit up. When she read the preview of the message, the images from the night before surfaced in her mind. She hadn't forgotten what she had done with Nicky, what she had said. She opened the message and did not answer. 

The guilt slowly began to build up. She had begun to come to terms with herself, which is why before the words she shared, she was silent. Drunk as she was, she had repeatedly asked Nicky to kiss her, she had used the fact that she had feelings for Gigi against the French girl. Because Gigi knew it, she had noticed the looks, the many little shrewdnesses dedicated to her, how Nicky blushed when even by chance she paid her a compliment. Nicky wanted to know if she remembered, as if she was looking for confirmation that it had really happened. Unfortunately, Gigi thought, it had happened. The worst thing was that she didn't mind the kiss at all.

Crystal didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve it at all. But it was only a kiss. Gigi decided that she would avoid her friend and keep it a secret. 

All she did during her afternoon was study so she wouldn't think. She couldn't wait for Crystal to get home. She didn't want to be alone anymore. 

When the other one came home, things didn't turn out the way she thought they would. Seeing her again had been like getting a slap in the face. Gigi looked at her and thought about the night before, the kiss she'd enjoyed so much. 

-Are you okay? - Crystal had asked her as soon as the other one's gaze had settled on her. Gigi wasn't sure she could keep that secret anymore. She couldn't. Her eyes became clear, she only nodded in response to her girlfriend's question and then tried to escape from the living room into their bedroom. Her heart tightened in her chest. How could she do such a thing. Crystal had followed her. She hugged her from behind, placing her chin in the hollow of Gigi's neck. She stroked her hair gently. Gigi felt like she was dying. The tears became harder to hold back. 

\- Don't make me worry, talk to me - she encouraged her gently. The dark haired girl could feel her heart beating in her throat. 

\- It's nothing - she answered her in a whisper. Then her body betrayed her and the tears began to come out. Crystal turned Gigi towards her, she was really starting to worry. 

\- That's not true, why are you crying? What happened? - she asked her, promptly wiping one cheek. 

\- It's nothing, really. Now I get over it - Gigi walked away, Crystal's care and sweetness burned on her skin. 

\- It doesn't sound “nothing”... - she started.

\- That's enough! Stop asking me questions! I told you I'm fucking fine! - Gigi screamed in hysterics. She ran her hands through her long hair. 

Crystal was petrified by the other one's sudden outburst. She didn't answer and walked out of the room, clearly Gigi wanted her space. The latter closed the door, slamming it. She wasn't angry with Crystal, no. Gigi was mad at herself to death. She couldn't stop crying and calling herself stupid. 

She didn't come out of the room looking for Crystal until she calmed down completely. She was in the kitchen, looking out the window while she smoked. Gigi recognized the smell of the pot, but said nothing. She reached over and calmly wrapped her arms around her waist, resting her forehead on the other one's back. Neither said a word. Crystal continued to smoke, looking for the calm that the joint usually gave her. There were only a few times she did so, and even secretly. She had promised Gigi to quit, but she had had a hard day and the other one's outbursts were the last straw. 

\- I'm sorry - Gigi whispered to her. 

\- It doesn't matter - Crystal answered her, taking a hit. 

\- Do you know you're not credible with a joint in your hand? - the girl joked softly. Crystal turned to her, from her face Gigi could see she wasn't very amused.

\- It seemed strange that you hadn't taken me back yet - she looked up. 

\- It was a joke, I didn't mean to scold you... Crys, can we sit down and talk? - Gigi asked her seriously. She thought hiding her kiss with Nicky wasn't right. The girl had finished smoking and sat down at the table.

\- What do you want to talk about? - her eyes didn't show emotion. 

\- I wanted to apologize again for earlier. I was a bitch, it's just... - words died down her throat. Fear and a strange sense of anxiety stopped her. 

\- What? - Crystal kept her going. Gigi looked at her for a moment. Her face had relaxed and the worry in her blue eyes had taken the place of indifference. 

\- Well, well... I don't know how to tell you this, I feel like such an idiot - she took a deep breath. 

\- You can tell me anything, you know... Don't worry - she reached out her hand to her. Gigi grabbed it. The guilt got stronger.

\- I had a big fight with Nicky yesterday, she told me she liked me and I treated her very badly... She doesn't want to talk to me anymore - Gigi made it all up on the spot, she couldn't tell her the truth looking her in the eye. 

\- What did you say to her that was so bad? Do you want me to talk to her? - Crystal offered herself up, ready to fix the situation.

\- No, no, forget it... I need to deal with her alone - she said quickly. Crystal came over to give her a hug. Gigi felt like shit. If it was just a kiss, what reason had she had to hide it with lies? Maybe the terror that she wanted it or the fear of losing Crystal, she didn't know. 

From that day on, Gigi and Crystal never spoke of it again. Gigi had even started ignoring Nicky, trying hard to bury the story. 


	2. Two

All week Nicky had been trying to talk to Gigi. When she saw that the other one had read her message but hadn't replied, she was able to understand what she was thinking on her own. Gigi wanted to stay away from her. Gigi remembered kissing her. 

Nicky, however, did not understand the reason for her separation. Gigi had called that kiss a "kiss between friends", so if there was nothing wrong with it, why avoid her? Nicky felt she needed to talk to her. She wanted to do it more for herself, actually. It was important for her to know if the gesture that night was a joke or something more. 

If it was a joke, she'd get over it and stop hoping that Gigi might love her even a little bit. But if it wasn't a joke, Nicky would have had her heart exploded. She longed for her, and every time she looked at her, her heart would beat faster, but Gigi was Crystal's girlfriend.

Yeah, Crystal. That girl had been her friend from the very first moment, and she was the only one who didn't make fun of her accent or a mispronounced word. Crystal had defended her when someone told her to go back to France, helped her when they asked her to tutor her in English. Crystal had supported Nicky and Gigi in their choice in college, and the night before their first exam she went out to buy pizzas and helped them study. Crystal had always been there for Nicky, she had always been there. And Nicky was paying her back like that: falling in love with her girlfriend, kissing her girlfriend. 

Two strong emotions were fighting in her: love and disappointment in herself. 

Nicky had tried to talk to Gigi, again and again.

That Friday she had seen her in the hallway and ran towards her to stop her. Nicky managed to stop Gigi by her wrist.

\- Let me go, Nicky - she told her, her voice was shaking.

\- Gigi, you've been avoiding me for a week. Please, I need to talk about this... Are we friends or not? - Nicky looked her straight in the eye. 

\- We're nothing, go away. - Gigi moved her arm very forcefully, leaving Nicky alone. It wasn't easy to answer her like that, though. Gigi just wanted to hide everything and kick Nicky out of her life at the time seemed the only solution. It hurt her, she was her best friend, but she couldn't afford to lose Crystal. Gigi loved her too much. 

Nicky felt her heart break. One kiss, one kiss ruined everything... Gigi didn't even want her around anymore. 

The next day, Jan invited her friends to a clubbing night. She promised it would be a nice night full of drinks and fun, plus she would perform. Jan was a great singer. In the group where all ten girls were present, a lot of congratulatory messages began to arrive and they gradually began to accept the invitation to the evening. Gigi often checked the chat, waiting to see what Nicky would say. 

\- I'm so happy for Jan, now I write to her that we'll be there - Crystal smiled happy for her friend. She had always been the number one fan around her, Crystal had such a big heart that she always urged everyone to pursue their dreams and aspirations. Gigi found that quality to be one of the best in her. 

\- I couldn't miss it for the world. Come on, answer her! - Gigi urged Crystal to write the message, and she, too, was happy for her friend. 

In the group, two messages arrived at the same time. 

_ We're already feeling the  _ **_Jan_ ** _ tasy! - Crystal  _

_ YES, Jan! I won't miss it - Nicky  _

Gigi stared at the screen. It almost made her laugh that Crystal and Nicky had written at the same time. But a bad feeling lurked in her mind, and if she knew beforehand that Nicky would say yes, she would have made something up to stay at home. Of course, it wouldn't have been fair to Jan, but being in the same room with Nicky and alcohol didn't seem to promise much. Anyway, Gigi didn't say anything. She chased her worries away. She had to enjoy the evening and not think about anything.

Time passed quickly and the evening arrived immediately. Crystal was really happy, she jumped to the door, taking the car keys and waiting for Gigi to follow her. 

\- Come on, come on! - she said to her as she watched her fix her black hair. 

\- I'm coming, I'm coming - Gigi smiled at her and joined her. She was taking it easy because of the anxiety that kept pushing into her chest. For that evening Gigi had promised not to touch a single glass, if she remained sober nothing would happen and she would have full control over herself. 

The two of them were the last to arrive at the disco. Jan ran towards Crystal, hugging her. 

\- You're gonna rock, I'm sure - Crystal fixed her hair and smiled at her. A thrill of jealousy caught Gigi. Jan said hi to her, too, and then told everyone it would be a while before she got on stage, so they could enjoy themselves in the meantime. 

Nicky had glanced at Gigi, looking almost sad. Crystal unfortunately caught her unlike Gigi, but she didn't say anything. She wanted Gigi to have fun without thinking about her fight with Nicky. 

\- So what are we waiting for? Come on, let's dance! - Widow said and pushed all the girls into the crowd. They were moving to the rhythm of music, carefree in the air. Slowly they began to drink, Gigi seemed to be able to resist. She was actually dying for a Bloody Mary or some Tequila shots with Dahlia. But she was having a good time even without drinking. 

Meanwhile, Crystal had made a bet with Heidi on who could hold alcohol better. They drank the same number of cocktails between songs. They had reached four plus three shots of rum and pear, a total of seven glasses of alcohol. Heidi was a euphoric girl already and with alcohol her strong personality was amplified. Crystal seemed to be doing well, she was almost drunk, she was winning over Heidi. 

\- I got smoke, you coming? - Rock, also tipsy, approached Crystal whispering in her ear. 

\- You know I never refuse - Crystal laughed and followed her outside. Gigi was dancing with Jackie and Jaida carefree, she didn't notice anything. 

Rock and Crystal rolled one joint each and before they lit them, they said "cheers". The two of them laughed and chatted while they smoked. They were certainly not the only ones, around them other groups of people smoked cigarettes and not cigarettes. 

When they were almost finished, the music inside the club stopped for a moment. Jackie looked around and along with Gigi and Nicky gathered the rest of the girls scattered around. Jan was about to perform. 

Nicky made sure to go in the opposite direction to Gigi and the other one did the same. Jackie, who not surprisingly was the group's mom, noticed that something was wrong between them. She let go and picked up Heidi and Dahlia from the cocktails counter. Nicky looked for Widow and Jaida in the sofa corner and Gigi went looking for Crystal and Rock. The girl turned the place around and only realized afterwards that the two of them were outside. 

As soon as Crystal saw Gigi, she threw the little left of her joint on the floor and turned it off with her heel. 

\- Jan is about to perform - Gigi had noticed her girlfriend's gesture. She was sober and angry, she spoke coldly. Rock made the last shot undisturbed and then all three of them came back, reaching the group of friends under the stage. 

Jan went on stage, introducing herself quickly and then put play to her base. As she sang, she came to life, it was an immersive show and the girls were cheering her on. 

Crystal accidentally stepped on Nicky's foot and the other one snapped immediately. 

\- Fuck, be careful! - Nicky had taken advantage of the evening to drown her inner quarrel in alcohol, so like the rest of her friends, she wasn't that sober. Crystal apologized to her smiling, now completely gone. Nicky seemed to be nervous about it, and she felt fooled.

\- What are you laughing at? Ce n'est pas drôle - now even the ability to translate what she thought had left Nicky. The girl pushed Crystal slightly. Gigi stopped her before she could go any further.

\- Take it easy, she apologized - she got right between Crystal and Nicky. 

\- C'est vous qui devriez leur présenter des excuses à tous les deux - Nicky gestured. Gigi looked at her confused, she didn't know what she had just said, but it sounded bad. Before she could even ask her what she had said, Nicky disappeared into the crowd. 

\- I accidentally stepped on her foot, it's not the end of the world - Crystal looked up. Gigi snorted.

Jan finished her song and thanked the audience before she left the stage. Her friends appreciated her performance, Nicky had reunited with them, but Jan didn't seem entirely happy. 

\- Jan, come on! You were great, smile - Nicky shook her by the shoulders. Jackie nodded.

\- Girl, you left and I wasn't even halfway through - Jan said. They all looked at her. 

\- I'm sorry, I didn't feel good. But I came right back - Nicky tried to pull herself together. Jan believed it and then the evening continued. 

Crystal went back to dancing with the others. Jackie pulled Gigi out of the group and took her to the bathroom. 

\- What's going on? - Jackie asked. She'd noticed too many details during the evening, but mostly the girl knew French.

\- Nothing happens, I don't know what you want to know - Gigi answered, knowing that Jackie was too smart to fall for it.

\- No? You arrive and you don't say hello to Nicky as usual, you stay away from her, you don't drink and look around to make sure you’re at a certain distance from her. Nicky looks at you with this sad look and starts throwing gallons of alcohol down her throat and as soon as you protect Crystal she says "You should be the one to apologize to both of us". And before you ask: I learned French in high school - Jackie took the night apart piece by piece. Gigi remained silent. So that's what Nicky told her before she left. 

\- If I tell you, you have to swear you won't say anything - the girl knew she couldn't get away. She begged the other one to keep it a secret, but she already knew the Persian girl was a grave. 

\- I swear on my mother, Gi. Come on, maybe I can help you - the other one took her hands to give her security. Jackie was someone you could trust, always there and always ready to give good advice. Gigi started telling her what happened the week before. Saying it out loud to someone made her sound even more like a bitch.

\- And that explained Nicky's reaction before... - she finished. 

\- Okay, I'll tell you directly what I think: you need to talk to Nicky, but especially to Crystal! Gigi, if you keep pretending, this situation will explode and then you'll lose both of them - Jackie tried not to be too harsh, but she had a hard time with it. All three of them were her friends and inevitably someone would be destroyed by the situation. Gigi didn't answer, just nodded. She thought Jackie couldn't understand being outside of it, she didn't know what it felt like to look Crystal in the eye and try to tell her that she kissed Nicky. 

\- Hey, Jackie? Jan's looking for you. She wanted to tell you something - Nicky went into the bathroom. Gigi looked away. Jackie came out of the bathroom and Gigi tried to follow her, but the French girl stopped her. 

\- No, stay - she put her hand on her shoulder. Gigi got stuck. Nicky, even though she was drunk, had control over Gigi. The French girl turned her towards her, pointing her blue eyes into the other one's. She caressed her face, Gigi did not move, she just studied her face. Nicky was driven by impulse and no longer by reason. She had arrived at that disco convinced she was staying away from Gigi and instead almost at the end of the evening she was two centimeters away from her face. Neither of them spoke. 

Nicky had started leaving kisses on Gigi's neck, the latter letting her do it. She wasn't able to think straight. The French girl then placed her lips on the other one's. It was happening again. Gigi let herself be carried away by the moment, by Nicky. 

The other one as she kissed her had brought one hand under her dress and again, Gigi had let her do it.

Nicky was tipsy, Gigi not even a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit is going down, I'm a bit sorry...Anyway I hope you enjoyed it xx


	3. Three

The music in the disco had gone off, outside the moon began to give way to the first rays of the morning sun. People were leaving the place to go to sleep. 

The group of friends had returned to the cars they had arrived in. Jackie and Gigi were the only ones who could drive. Luckily there were ten of them, so five in one car and five in the other would fit perfectly. The effects of the alcohol and the weed were wearing off by now, giving way to tiredness. Jackie and Gigi took all the girls to the latter's house, which was big enough for everyone to sleep here and there. 

Gigi took blankets and gave them to her friends. Four of them slept on the sofa bed, four others huddled in the guest room. Crystal and Gigi, of course, slept in their room. 

As soon as Crystal jumped on the bed, she pulled Gigi on top of her. When she tried to kiss her, Gigi pulled back, telling her that she was tired and had to go to sleep, that there were people in the other rooms and that she would feel uncomfortable. Crystal huffed and turned to the other side. Gigi looked at her for a while and cried.

_Nicky was tipsy, Gigi wasn't even a little bit. Yet she was knowingly letting the French girl slide her hand in her panties. She let her keep kissing her, biting her, leaving her a hickey._

_Nicky loved the way Gigi was melting between the tiles in that bathroom and her body. She hoped to remember that feeling forever._

_Gigi was completely lost in the moment, the way Nicky was touching her had sent her into seventh heaven. But gravity made her crash to Earth when she came on the other one's fingers. She realized what had just happened and invited Nicky to hurry away. She felt the air missing. She had gone from a kiss to an orgasm within a week._

_\- Was it that bad? - Nicky joked, not realizing anything. Gigi had pulled down the hem of her dress and her eyes had gotten all watery. She had just cheated on Crystal. She'd even done it sober and fucked up._

_Nicky tried to get close to her._

_\- Stay away from me, please - Gigi told her, angry._

_\- Chérie... - Nicky called her sweetly by that French nickname. Gigi couldn't even look her in the eye and came out of the bathroom quickly. The French girl was confused for a few moments, trying to find a shred of lucidity to put the pieces together. When she did, she realized that from that moment on, things would not get better._

The next morning, Gigi was woken up by voices coming from the kitchen. For a moment she had forgotten that her friends had slept at her house. She turned to Crystal's side of the bed. She wasn't there. She was relieved. She didn't know if she could look at her after what she'd done. 

Gigi got up and headed for the noisy room. As soon as they saw her, they all wished her good morning. 

\- If you don't mind, we've made coffee and pancakes will be ready soon! - Jan said to her. Her ringing voice as soon as she woke up wasn't ideal. Gigi sat down at the table with them. She looked for Crystal with her eyes. She wasn't even there. She found Nicky in her place, laughing quietly with Heidi beside her. 

\- But, Crystal? - Gigi asked her friends. 

\- She ran to the bathroom and threw up two minutes ago - Dahlia made a face that looked kind of gross. 

\- After all that alcohol and Rock's weed, it couldn't have turned out any different - Jaida stepped in, not being too scrupulous. Jackie hit her on the arm. 

\- I'll go check on her - Gigi went to the bathroom nearest the kitchen. She knocked on the door gently and then opened it. Crystal was sitting on the floor, resting on the toilet, staring blankly into space. Gigi bent down beside her, moved her curly hair from her face. 

\- How do you feel? - she asked her. Seeing her like that reminded her of the day Gigi and Crystal got back together after the long break. 

\- Like shit - she answered her closing her eyes, enjoying her girlfriend's caresses. 

\- I'll help you up - Gigi tried to lift her slowly. Crystal followed her movements, until she sat on the edge of the bathtub. Gigi began to take care of her, cleaned her lips and washed her face. She couldn't stop thinking about her mistakes, mistakes that would hurt Crystal so bad. Her heart stopped only to think of the consequences. When it was over, they went back to the kitchen to their friends.

\- Are you staying for lunch? - Gigi asked. Crystal wasn't too happy to have all those people around, she felt out of tune. But Widow had already started listing all the kinds of lunch she could cook, so it was hard to say no. Some of them went out for a last-minute shopping spree, others sat in the living room watching some stupid show. Gigi had stayed in the kitchen with Jackie to wash the cups and dishes left on the table. 

\- Jackie - Gigi caught her attention. - I made it worse - Jackie stopped to look at her.

\- How? - She raised her eyebrows. There was only one way she could make a situation that already sucked worse and Jackie didn't like it.

\- I let Nicky masturbate me in the bathroom yesterday - Gigi whispered, being very careful that no one was around. A plate fell out of Jackie's hands. The noise attracted the girls sitting on the couch. 

\- Did you hurt yourself? What was that? - Crystal was standing on the door. 

\- No worries, a plate slipped off my hands, it’s all right - Jackie laughed hysterically, asking where she could find the broom to sweep up the broken plate. Gigi grabbed it for her, Crystal warned them both to be careful and returned to sit down with Dahlia and Nicky. 

Gigi laughed.

\- What are you laughing at? It's your fault! - Jackie hit her with a rag, and she couldn't stay serious. - We're laughing and yet there'd be nothing to be amused about - she shook her head. 

\- Mine's a desperate laugh - Gigi said, getting serious again. 

\- Can you explain how that jumped into your head? - the Persian girl asked her. All hell was going to break loose as soon as the secret came out.

\- I don't know, Jackie! I had a total blackout, I lost control - she ran her hand through her hair, her eyes became shiny. She felt terrible, she should have stopped and said no to Nicky. 

\- Look, if you keep telling me these secrets, I don't know if I’ll be quiet. Gi, I love you very much, but if you don't say anything to Crystal, I will. I can't keep this on my conscience - Jackie's tone was low, but Gigi could see how angry she was. She was hurting everyone around her, everyone she loved. She didn't know what to say, she found herself speechless and with a pain in her chest from guilt. She had it all wrong, as always. A tear ran down her cheek. 

Jackie realized she had reacted too harshly, Gigi was sensitive, even though she often hid it. She had confided in her and maybe treating her so harshly hadn't been a good idea. She thought the things she had said, she stood by her words, but maybe she could have expressed herself less harshly. 

\- Sorry, come on... Don't cry - Jackie took a handkerchief off the table and handed it to Gigi. She didn't accept it.

\- Forget the dishes, we'll do them later - Gigi answered her and trying not to be conspicuous she went into the bedroom. Jackie sighed, she was so sorry for the way she treated her.

Meanwhile Crystal was crushed by Dahlia, lying on top of her, who in turn was crushed by Nicky in the same position. Together they were watching "Keeping up with the Kardashians", commenting and making jokes about what they noticed. Crystal was acting normally towards Nicky, who did the same. Inside her, however, she couldn't get rid of the image of the night before Gigi. She couldn't help herself, sometimes she would shake her head as if it worked to send her thoughts away. Nicky felt strangely happy and thought it was wrong. And yet she couldn't help it. As long as Gigi wouldn't talk, she wouldn't talk either, and everything would go smoothly. Crystal was oblivious to everything and still her friend. 

When the girls who had gone out shopping came back, Crystal got up to start cooking. Her father had taught her something before he could no longer hold the utensils in his hands. Cooking was not one of her first passions, but for her father she would also learn to breathe in space, she loved him too much. The girl had regained her vitality and started to put on a show while she was cooking as if she were a chef. She gave orders here and there so that everyone had something to do. Gigi had come back among them and tried to have fun without thinking too much. 

In the spacious kitchen the girls had lunch together, enjoying the food cooked by the girl. After lunch, however, every girl went back home, promising to see each other again the following weekend.

Crystal and Gigi were left alone. Crystal came over to give her a kiss on the lips. 

\- Finally alone - laughed Gigi, ready to kiss her back. The other one pulled her hair away to place one hand on her neck. Crystal noticed a purple mark. 

\- What is this? - She touched it with her fingers gently, inspecting it confused. Gigi's blood froze in her veins. 

\- You did that to me last night, did you forgot? - another lie came out of her lips. Crystal trusted her blindly, so she nodded and kept kissing her. 

Gigi wondered how many more lies she'd tell to keep from breaking her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Two chapters in a row, I feel inspired.  
> I hope you liked it!


	4. Four

The next day the weekend was over. Gigi said goodbye to Crystal affectionately before getting out of the car parked in front of the college. 

Gigi rang between being very affectionate and being passive aggressive with Crystal. There was never any middle ground and her guilt wouldn't leave her alone. So that Monday she decided to talk to Nicky, since she hadn't had a chance since that Saturday night. 

She sent her a text asking if she'd arrived. Nicky hadn't answered. Gigi turned around and saw her, looking around... She walked towards her. Nicky looked up, trying to repay the other with her own coin. 

\- We need to talk. Right now - Gigi didn't even give her time to reply that she dragged her into a more secluded area. 

\- Until the other day I had to stay away from you, and now you want to talk? - Nicky pricked her wickedly, crossing her arms.

\- Don't be an idiot, Nicky. It's serious - she crossed her eyes with the other one. Nicky had blond hair falling over her shoulders and her blue eyes were glowing. 

\- And wasn't it before? - she asked sarcastically. She knew where Gigi was going with this, but she wouldn't leave her easily.

\- Okay, listen to me. What happened in that bathroom was a big mistake that will never happen again. I'm not in love with you, I don't like you, I mean you're really attractive, but I don't like you in that way - Gigi tried to be strict and convincing, but her voice kept cheating on her. Nicky was looking at her amused.

\- Gigi, you may not like me, but you kissed me first. You're the one who didn't back out of the bathroom. You know what the truth is? That you like this game between us. In fact, you've always loved that I liked you and worshipped you. And you love being the center of attention so much that you got yourself into this mess - Nicky moved a lock of her black hair. Her lips painted red curved into a mocking smile. Gigi was almost hypnotized by her face. The French girl seized her moment of weakness to give her a kiss at the corner of her lips.

\- Don't bullshit - Gigi gently pushed her away. She didn't even know what was happening to her. Did she like Nicky? She didn't love Crystal anymore? Why did she feel attracted to her like she were a magnet? 

\- If that's bullshit, why didn't you dodge my kiss even now? Answer - she said, waiting for the other one to say a word. Nicky seemed so sure of herself, but inside she was shaking. In order to have Gigi with her, she was turning herself into a toy.

\- Because you have this way of doing things that leaves me stunned. I don't know what you do to me, and it bothers me not being in charge of this situation. Yet at the same time I love her, Nicky - Gigi's thoughts were taking shape. She felt torn between Nicky and Crystal, not knowing what to do.

\- Then it will remain a secret, we won't tell Crystal or anyone else - the French girl printed her another kiss, this time more on the centre of her lips. She kept on playing with her hair, sweet talking to her. Gigi didn't understand how she had such a strong persuasive power. She remained silent for a while, thinking. If it remained a secret, Crystal would never know and no one would get hurt. 

\- When's your last lesson? - Gigi asked her. Nicky smiled and told her she'd be waiting for her right there at 2:00 P.M. 

Crystal stayed home in the morning, and that day she would work in the afternoon. She kind of hated not spending time with Gigi. She was afraid she was neglecting her. Lately, she'd found her strange, maybe too busy studying. Then the famous fight with Nicky seemed to shake her up a lot. Crystal thought that sooner or later Gigi would tell her what was happening to her, but until then she wouldn't ask questions. She wanted to give her some space to think and process her feelings.

What Crystal didn't know was that Gigi wasn't thinking or processing her feelings. She was having fun with another girl behind her back, without even knowing why she was doing it.

She went to work that afternoon, taught an art class for teenagers. There were about ten of them, and they were chatting amiably. Seeing them reminded her of her high school years slowly drifting apart. That afternoon, the kid's spontaneity put her in a good mood. It was the art that made them so free.

When she returned home a few hours later, she wished to share her afternoon, but reluctantly discovered that Gigi had not yet returned. 

At 2:00 p.m. sharp, Nicky had waited for Gigi under the oak tree in the campus garden. The girl arrived shortly thereafter, looking a little unconvinced.

\- Maybe I should go home - she said to her, holding some of her books.

\- Gigi, something doesn't have to happen. We're friends first, we can spend a normal afternoon - Nicky reassured her. Gigi convinced herself to go to her apartment. 

Things should have turned out differently. 

Gigi promised herself she wouldn't relapse.

Gigi had set herself up in self-control.

Gigi had decided to stop being a doll for Nicky.

Gigi broke her promise, broke her rule and destroyed her decision. 

Nicky had started kissing her passionately, Gigi held on to her. The French girl had moved her hands on her ass and then one slipped between her legs. From above her panties she moved her fingers over her intimacy, Gigi moaned. She was letting go, again.

In an instant she found herself between the sheets of Nicky's bed, lying there with her legs open. Between them, the other had filled the void. She had begun to move her hips to the rhythm with Nicky's tongue. The further she went, the more her head went back to Crystal.

A betrayal could be very upsetting, no matter how or why it happened. Finding out that your loved one lied to you to make herself comfortable is one of the worst feelings ever. Leaving aside the fact that the lie itself can break your heart, the fact that you trusted someone else and that this person lied to you is really disappointing. However, what would have hurt more would have been knowing that this person had the choice not to hurt you, but still chose to do so. And Gigi got lost in the thought of Crystal’s smile, of her sweetness, of her creativity, of her exuberance. The way it had always been just her to touch her like that, to freak her out. The way her heart beat just by being near her and also the way she stroked her hair. All the tears Crystal had dried, all the pain she had been able to drive away from Gigi. The way she had been beside her every step of the way, and still her desire to reason with her when they argued. The love Crystal felt for her, so strong and pure, that Gigi felt it burst in her chest at every moment. 

Yet there she was, having sex with another person. She was there stabbing her in the back, sticking that knife in her heart herself. Gigi was standing right there, breaking every promise of love she'd ever made to her. 

She thought of her face, how disappointment would be painted on it as soon as she found out. She thought of how her eyes would fill with tears, how she would scream at her that she was a shit, that she was a whore. She thought about how Crystal would lock her out of her life forever, and that's when Gigi broke her own heart. 

She started crying quietly, kept her eyes closed. Nicky had only stopped when a hiccup caught her attention. She sat next to her and tried to hug her. Gigi pushed her away and got out of bed, picking up her clothes. Nicky tried to calm her down, but she had begun to dress quickly, wishing to escape from her apartment. 

The French girl couldn't bear to see her like that. It was her fault, only her fault. The house soon filled with screams.

\- Gigi! Calm down, please! - Nicky said, starting to get dressed as she followed her down the corridor to the living room. 

\- Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! - Gigi answered screaming. Tears streaming down her face.

\- Stop, stop - Nicky managed to grab her by both wrists. Gigi turned towards her, kept avoiding her gaze.

\- Let go of me, let go of me now. I want to go away - she was trapped, she kept keeping her tone of voice high and desperate. 

\- Look at me, Gigi. I won't let you go anywhere unless you calm down and tell me what's going on - the French girl was worried. She wasn't in Gigi's head, she couldn't know what she was thinking. 

\- What happens is you have to leave me alone, you're a slut and I hate you, I hate you so much because it's your fault I'm cheating on her. It's your fault... It's my fault - Gigi had gone a hundred miles, wriggling and screaming, then slowly melted into a sobbing cry, resting her head on Nicky's shoulder.

\- It's nobody's fault - the other one hugged her, trying to comfort her. The truth was that Nicky blamed herself for pushing it too far, taking advantage of Gigi's crisis. She had forgotten that before she was anything else in Gigi's life, she was her best friend. She had forgotten to take care of her feelings in that delicate situation too. Nicky had not acted like a friend, she had only thought about herself, she had been selfish and she had only thought about having Gigi all to herself. She hadn't even been a friend to Crystal at that point, not caring about her. She had decided to jeopardize everything, blinded by the possibility that the other might have feelings for her. For once, she thought being selfish and doing one thing for herself was the right thing, but it all turned out to be a big mess. 

\- I'll drive you home - Nicky stroked the back of her head. 

\- No... She can't see me like this - Gigi shook her head. Her hair was messed up because of the hands that had slipped between the long locks, the light irises stood out because of the redness of her scleras, due to the tears and her cheeks were the same colour. 

\- Let's get some air, then - Nicky offered. The French girl made way for the other one to the garage. She handed her a helmet, wearing one in turn and got on her motorcycle. Gigi got on hesitantly, she had already taken a ride in the vehicle, but in that circumstance having to hold her tight like that put her in trouble. The engine started and Nicky started off slowly and then began to whizz through the streets of the city. 

Gigi was looking around, studying the view. By now the sun was setting and on the seafront she could see it disappearing on the horizon. The tall palm trees on the avenues of Los Angeles surrounded them and the noisy traffic was preparing to give way to the nightlife. Some shops were closing, others were starting to work. The fresh air struck her skin, giving her chills. Los Angeles had given her a strange peace of mind. 

Nicky took a wide tour before taking Gigi home. The latter begged her to leave a few blocks ahead. She didn't want Crystal to see her.

\- So... Bye - Gigi gave her the case back. The other one rested it in the little trunk behind the saddle. 

\- Yes...Goodbye - Nicky answered, hinting at a smile. When the other one started to move away, she felt obliged to say one last thing. - Gigi! - she called her.

She turned around to look at her. - I'm so sorry - she said.

\- Don't worry - Gigi gave her one last smile and then they parted for good.

Nicky knew she had lost her, as a lover, but mostly as a friend. 

Gigi felt nothing but a great emptiness inside of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four!!! Hope you enjoyed it xx


	5. Five

When Gigi walked through the front door, Crystal was in the backyard. The music led Gigi to her. She stopped to look at her in silence. She was painting a giant canvas and occasionally stopped to dance to the rhythm of the music with brushes in her hand. Gigi smiled. 

Crystal hadn't noticed her until she twirled and saw her with the corner of her eyes.

\- Hey - she stopped embarrassed, then put the brushes on the coffee table next to her.

\- You're a born dancer - Gigi told her, as she approached her. She felt like disappearing into her arms, the only place she really felt safe. She threw herself into her arms. Crystal welcomed her, surprised by the sudden gesture. 

\- I'm glad to see you too - laughed, holding her tight. Gigi basked for a few moments in her, in her perfume. She felt like a coward. 

\- I'm sorry - she answered without thinking. She knew she couldn't tell her where she had been and what she had done. She also knew it would take some time before she could tell her what was going on behind her back. 

\- About what? Are you okay, honey? - Crystal lifted her chin up to make eye contact. A reassuring smile appeared on her lips. 

\- I’m sorry I didn't tell you I was gonna be late today - Gigi nodded. Crystal told her she didn't want to see that sad little face and that everything was okay. Then she took a dirty paintbrush and passed it over Gigi's nose. The girl looked at her with her mouth open, then she didn't waste any time and with another brush she scratched with orange her cheek. 

They started playing like that, chasing each other and getting dirty with the color. Gigi went back to laughing and feeling happy and only thanks to Crystal. A remote sense of guilt was always present in her. 

\- You should dye your hair this color, it looks great on you - Gigi laughed looking at the other one, with a orange lock. 

\- I’ll think about it, maybe - Crystal approached her by her hips and laid her forehead on Gigi's. Their faces were dyed a thousand colours and their love was just like that, multicoloured from the brightest to the darkest colours. 

The days flew by and things became quieter. Gigi and Nicky did not speak to each other, this time without rancour. In the house between Gigi and Crystal there was peace of mind, at least in appearance. Gigi was being devoured by guilt and the more time passed the more difficult it seemed to her to live with herself. Gigi couldn't touch Crystal or be touched without feeling guilty about it. Slowly she became more aggressive and careful, like an animal about to be caught. 

That Thursday she stormed into the kitchen, slamming the door open. 

\- May I know what I did now? - Crystal already knew she was gonna blame her for something. 

\- Why did you say yes to Heidi? We never go out during the week! - Gigi told her, waving the phone she had in her hand. 

\- What do you mean "why"? I feel like going out tonight, if you don't want to come, don't come - she answered her by continuing to dry and put the cutlery away. Gigi didn't seem to like her answer.

\- So you're telling me I can't come? - she crossed her arms. Crystal wondered if it was a joke.

\- Gigi, don't twist my words. I said if you don't want to come, you can stay home, or you can come with us. Jan will sing again, it'll be fun - she tried to keep calm. 

\- Yes? Will it be as fun as last week when you cracked up on smoke and alcohol? - Gigi didn't seem to want to let go. She didn't know what was going on in her brain either, she was just angry. 

\- Shut up, you're always the first one who's reduced to a rag every time there's a drink around - Crystal accused her. Gigi was getting on her nerves. 

\- It has nothing to do with it - she raised her voice, she had no more cards to play. 

\- Look, I'll tell you this: I'll go and get ready while you calm down and decide whether or not you're coming - she sighed and left the room. It had been three days since Gigi had been going crazy about anything and she was beginning to resent it. It was always her fault: she had put the keys in the wrong saucer, she hadn't put the cutlery in the right compartments, she had been out too long, she wanted to go out during the week. It was all her fault, always her fault. It wasn't obvious to Crystal why she did it, but Gigi was trying to make her less perfect in her eyes. She wanted to somehow belittle her in her own eyes to make her feel less like a crappy girlfriend. But it wasn't working, and she felt even more guilty because she wasn't making her days that easy. 

That night Gigi decided to stay home and call Jackie. She was the only one who could help her in any way. 

Crystal greeted her coldly before she left, still angry about the stupid argument of half an hour earlier. As soon as she left, Jackie arrived.

Crystal met Heidi at the bar with two of her friends. 

\- Crystal, meet Aiden and Brita - Heidi introduced her smiling. Crystal shook both their hands. Next to each other the girls seemed to belong to two different worlds. One was short with short black hair, light skin. The other was a woman of a certain size, with well-backed brown hair and a huge contagious smile. 

\- Jan? Is it already in preparation? - Crystal asked, looking for her friend with the look. 

\- Yes, you're just in time. She'll be happy to see you, she was about to cry earlier because I was the only one there - Brita answered with a hand on her chest, sorry for Jan.

\- No one else is coming? Sorry I keep asking questions - Crystal put her hair behind her ears. Heidi told her that Jan couldn't get in on the weekend and many of the girls were already busy that night. 

\- We’ll take care of her - she said, and then the evening began. Crystal sang and had fun with Heidi and her two new friends, having no idea what would happen when she got home. 

Jackie had come in, and Gigi had sat her down. They had started talking about totally random topics, revolving around the real problem. Gigi was rocking her foot, anxious. Jackie was really angry last time. She had no idea what she was gonna say. 

\- I heard Nicky - the Persian girl suddenly told her. Gigi raised her eyebrows. 

\- How is she? - she pretended nothing had happened, just in case Nicky hadn't told Jackie anything. 

\- You should know, Gigi - her eyes were serious. Jackie had talked to Nicky the day before. The french girl didn't want to say anything at first, but then her feelings got the better of her, and Nicky started crying, blaming himself for everything. But Jackie wanted to keep that detail for herself. Jackie almost hated her. She kept hurting people around her and it seemed like she didn't care, that she was okay with it, that she was totally fine. 

\- We're not talking to each other at the moment - she looked down on her hands. Nicky had always been her friend and that drastic, but necessary change was hurting her. 

\- I know, I know. But you could only imagine how you broke her heart, can't you? - Jackie said right away. 

\- You think I liked it? Do you think I was happy to see her riding away on her motorcycle? To meet her in the hallways and not even say “Hello”? You think it was easy to look her in the eye and see inside her that she was not okay because of me? I know if I hadn't started it, nothing would have happened. I led her on from the very first moment and I continued to indulge her because I wanted to...- Gigi was interrupted by the other one, who had lifted a finger to stop her.

\- You indulged her because you knew you wouldn't be the one to suffer. Yeah, because now you're here living the good life with Crystal, who poor thing doesn't even know what the fuck you did to her. You're just selfish - Jackie stood up. Gigi felt like she was dying. Was she right? She kept quiet. She didn't even know what to say. Of course she was right. She was selfish and had ended up hurting everyone around her and found herself thinking that it was selfish to bring Jackie into it too. 

\- You're not gonna say anything, huh? I got you, didn't I? - she drew her attention.

\- Yeah, you're right, I'm a selfish bitch! I'm a bitch, a whore, a slut, a selfish fake shit. That’s it: I'm a shit who only hurts other people - Gigi had stood up in turn. Her voice was shrill and she had started to crack. 

Jackie got what she wanted. 

\- Go on - she urged her to continue. She didn't want her to insult herself, she wanted her to tell her how she really felt, and the only way to do that was to unleash her anger and prick her sensitivity. Jackie knew that by talking calmly about it Gigi would never tell her how she really felt, she would only tell her the facts and hide her feelings. Jackie knew her too well and just didn't want her to explode. She felt bad about saying those things to her and would apologize later. 

Gigi didn't understand for a moment. She looked at her confused. 

\- I've hurt two people you love, but that doesn't mean you have to crush me like this, Jackie... I'm a terrible person, I know that. When I kissed Nicky, I was drunk and I really didn't mean to hurt her or take advantage of the fact that she liked me. I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of it. It just got so confusing in my head, everything happened so fast and I was alone. I'll never know how to explain myself. I don't know how it happened, but it happened. I liked being with Nicky, I liked kissing her, I liked having her perfume on me, I liked her touching me. I kicked her out the first time because I was angry with myself and avoiding her seemed like the only possible choice not to find myself where I am now. But when the opportunity presented itself to push her away and tell her to leave me alone, I didn't. In fact, I felt that I wanted her that way. I kept coming home and watching Crystal and wanting her, too. It sounds crazy, and yet I felt that way, Jackie. And despite the guilt I slept with Nicky, I was between her legs without too much trouble and vice versa, but then I felt my chest hurt, I felt the air miss me and I didn't start thinking about anyone else but Crystal. I kept thinking about her love for me and I felt my love for her rumble in my ears. And I didn't feel it as a bad thing, it was so positive it broke me in two. Nicky was a stupid game gone over the line. I'm a lousy person who just played with her and all the excuses in the world wouldn't be enough to make it up to her. 

And just think, I realized I loved my fiancée the moment I got to the point of no return. I realized that I didn't love Nicky, not even a little bit... I just found her attractive and that's why I started to destroy everything and everyone like fucking Godzilla with a city. I destroyed someone as beautiful as Nicky, I lost my best friend and it's all my fault. But you know what makes me feel so shitty that I'm sick to my stomach? That the moment to tell Crystal the truth is coming and I'm afraid she's gonna fall so hard she's gonna break. I'm her only security, and I've always been her only security, and thinking I won't be anymore makes me crazy. We fought, we hated each other, and yet I was always ready to help her and love her. I promised her that I would never hurt her again and now I'm part of all those bad things in her life that have marked her, I'm going to represent the icing on the cake that her mountain of shit was missing. Me, who promised not to hurt her anymore, me, who promised that I would always love her, that I would always be by her side no matter what, me, who promised that I would even take her to the altar. I'm just a bitch, a slut, false and selfish. I can't be anything else and I disgust myself Jackie - Gigi had started talking, spelling out every word. She cried and looked Jackie staring into her eyes, transmitting her pain. As soon as she finished, full of disappointment and anger at herself, she threw the chair on which she had been sitting on the floor. 

Jackie had chills. Her speech had ripped her heart out and she thought she would never want to feel what Gigi was feeling. She kept all that stuff to herself, eating herself from the inside out. The Persian girl didn't know what to say, and probably no one in her position would know what to say. She only approached her, who had fallen to her knees and kept crying, covering her face with her hands. Jackie hugged her and stroked her back. 

\- What did you do? - Crystal's voice resounded loud and clear in the silence. Both of them had been so caught up in their speech, they hadn't heard her come in. 

Jackie's blood froze in her veins, and Gigi felt her heart plunge into her stomach like a boulder. She got up quickly, moving away from her friend who realized it was time to leave them alone to talk. She walked out of the house shyly saying goodbye to them.

Crystal was in front of Gigi and waiting for an answer.

In fact, she waited to be told to her face, in precise words, what she had done to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a new chapter! Even though it's sad, I hope you liked it xx


	6. Six

Jan didn't finish her last song in time that the power in the club went out. The owner sent everyone home, unable to solve the problem quickly. Heidi, Brita, Aiden and Jan had offered Crystal to go drink somewhere else, but she refused. She wanted to come home to make sure Gigi didn't get too upset, she couldn't stay angry for long. 

When she entered the house, Gigi's voice rang out loud. She went in quietly. 

"Nicky was a stupid game gone over the line" were the first words she heard. The girl kept talking and Crystal began to understand. She was hiding behind the door ajar. Crystal wanted to break into the room and start screaming, but she waited for Gigi to finish so she could hear everything until the end. The sound of the chair being knocked to the floor made her jump. She couldn't see Jackie or Gigi through the chink. When she heard nothing but sobbing, Crystal entered the room.

\- What did you do? - the sound of her voice came like a ringing in her own ears. Gigi lifted up with her gaze barred. Jackie went out of their house. 

\- I can explain - Gigi approached her, trying to take her hands. Crystal had stepped back.

\- I don't want you to explain anything. You have to tell me what you did - Crystal repeated, with tears in her eyes. She was so sensitive, and her heart was breaking.

\- Let's sit down, let's talk about this like adults - the girl tried it. Her hands were shaking like never before in her life, it was about to happen, she was about to lose her. She had put the fallen chair back in place and invited her to sit down, with tears still streaming down her face.

\- Gigi Goode, I want to hear you say it - she spelt her name. She tried not to cry, not to give Gigi that satisfaction. 

\- I can't, I can't do it - Crystal's gaze was burning on her skin. It hurt even more than she thought it would.

\- I need it, I need you to say it to my face - she said to her in a desperate tone and for a few moments her lower lip trembled. Maybe it was masochistic, but Crystal wanted the truth to come out of her lips. 

Gigi hadn't said anything for a while, she looked down at the floor. She couldn't bear Crystal's eyes full of pain.

-I... I cheated on you with Nicky - she gathered all her strength and looked up, speaking with a low voice. More tears came down and she could feel the exact moment when the other's heart broke. 

Everything stopped around Crystal. The other one's words came sharp as knives straight to her chest. 

_ Gigi and Nicky. _

_ Gigi and Nicky. _

_ Gigi and Nicky. _

Her brain began to connect all the events of the last two weeks. Nicky and Gigi in her room on the night of the latter's birthday. Gigi with smudged lipstick and Nicky with red lips probably from the bites. The lie of the reason for their quarrel, the grumpiness of the other alternated with moments of extreme sweetness that she had never had so often. And then her apologies for coming home late from college, her excuses for not cuddling up as usual, her excuses for not having sex and finally her wanting to fight constantly over the last few days. She saw lies, lies everywhere and couldn't even recognize the Gigi in front of her. She had had the courage to kiss her, to tell her that she loved her, she had even had the courage to pretend nothing. Crystal felt that the world was collapsing on her because Gigi was right: for better or worse she was her safety and from that moment on she could not even trust her. Yet she tried in every way she could to find a reason, even one to forgive her.

\- How many times? - she asked her.

\- Three - replied Gigi. She was ashamed to death, she felt like a worm. The silence fell heavier than before. The reason Crystal had sought to save her in the corner kick wasn't there. Once and a kiss could be forgiven, Gigi was drunk. But then the second and third time couldn't be random mistakes, they were choices. Crystal decided she didn't want to know anything else, that knowing the details would take everything away from her, even her breath. She was holding her fists tight. She was trying to hold back tears. Her gaze was no longer harsh on Gigi, she could no longer look at her face. She couldn't move, it was as if the pain had paralyzed her. 

Gigi thought she'd prefer a big theatrical rant to that silence. She would have preferred it if she had started breaking dishes, throwing objects on the floor, screaming, insulting her. She would have preferred anything to that deafening silence that hurt more than any other reaction. 

\- Say something please, anything - she begged her after a few minutes, feeling that she was about to implode. Crystal was her whole life, and it had taken her that damn situation to figure it out.

\- I'm sleeping in the guests room - she told her unexpectedly. Crystal walked down the hall and Gigi followed her, asking her to stop and again, to let her explain. She speeded up until she locked herself in the room, slamming the door in Gigi's face. She started turning the key to the door to make sure she couldn't get in. 

Gigi had become desperate. She knocked on the door crying and asking her aloud to open it, asking her to forgive her, sketching bumpy phrases that Crystal stopped understanding when her sobs became more frequent. She huddled behind the door, resting her forehead on the opaque wood. She had just shattered her world into a thousand pieces.

Crystal had slipped slowly along the door, sitting on the floor. Finally she melted into a silent cry, losing herself in her grief. 

What do you do when your heart breaks completely? Where do you go? What do you do with the leftovers? 

Do you give up or do you start all over again? 

When your heart breaks, you won't be able to heal it completely. You'll never pick up all the pieces, you'll never be the same after it breaks. And it sucks, it makes you a different person and you have to learn about this new human being, you have to deal with new emotions and you don't even know where to start. 

When a heart breaks too many times, you don't even know if it's there anymore. Sometimes you feel it beating and other times there is a great emptiness that cannot be filled. 

But when it seems impossible for you to get up, you have to gather all your strength and stand up immediately. When you are at your lowest level, you can't lose anything and it's the right time to fight for yourself and your dreams and take care of yourself. 

It's much more difficult when your heart has already broken many times, but you have to try. Get up and try again and again. You will succeed.

Gigi saved her life. Gigi had been the only person who had been there for her when she had reduced her to dust, holding her in her arms, smiling and telling her that everything was going to be okay. And she didn't understand why. Because she, the person she loved, who said she loved her, had hurt her like that. 

She had trusted Gigi as she had never trusted anyone, she had put all of herself in her hands and she had not hesitated for a minute, continuing to hurt her. 

She wanted to get out of that room, out of that house, and leave her forever to make her feel as broken as Crystal was at that moment. Gigi would never understand how much it hurt, no one could. 

Crystal regretted not being angry, not yelling at her, not having the courage to make her feel like shit, not knowing that with her silence and her coldness she had managed to hit Gigi harder than anything. 

All that sweetness, those big hugs, those kind words... All because she knew she'd screwed up as badly as she could. She knew she could lose her and she went on anyway. Three times, three goddamn times and it might have gone up if she hadn't found out.

Crystal couldn't even consider leaving her because Gigi was her sun and couldn't live without her. She was one of the few people who brought light into her shitty life and when she started to think that the other wouldn't really hurt her, she did.

Nobody according to Crystal should have felt that excruciating pain, nobody deserved to be betrayed like that. A sea of tears kept streaming down her cheeks. One for every step they took together, one for the best moment they lived together, one for all those nights awake listening to their songs, the ones that always make you feel bad and one for every little emotion. All those tears because she loved her so much. 

She thought about Nicky, too. Crystal thought she was one of her closest friends. Instead, she was a snake like all the other people. It was obvious to Crystal that Nicky was prettier than she was, more interesting, more intelligent. Who knows, maybe that's why Gigi ended up falling in love with her.

When the pain in her became unbearable, Crystal got up and started ransacking the room. She was tired, tired of being hurt. She was angry, disappointed, hurt. Too many emotions, too many thoughts. 

Gigi had been sitting outside the door like a dog waiting for her master. She hoped by the minute that Crystal would come out and agree to talk to her. She was feeling sick, terrible. She had heard Crystal crying and knowing she was the cause of it made her cry too, not being able to be there to hold her and cuddle her as she was used to do would make her die inside. She would have wanted Crystal to hear it directly from her and not overhearing on the conversation. She didn't mean to smack it in her face like that. 

A noise from inside the room made her stand up. And then another one and another one made her worry. And then one last, much louder noise.

\- Crystal? Crystal, what the fuck is going on? Open the door - Gigi tried to turn the handle to get in, but of course it was locked. She knocked, asking if she was okay. Anxiety took hold of her. She knew she wasn't strong enough to break down a door.

Crystal looked at her hands. The cream-colored carpet under her feet had begun to stain a bright red color. Pieces of glass were scattered everywhere. She stared trembling at some pieces of glass that was stuck in her skin.

One second before Crystal had hit the mirror in the room with her palms. Although she had hit it with some force, she didn't think it would break. 

She let out a frightened scream. 

\- Crystal! - Gigi called her worried again. She tried to open the door again. 

Crystal stopped to think, but then her hands started to burn and hurt. She needed help, and Gigi was the only one in the house. She came over, clenched her teeth, and with her hands hurt, she turned the key with difficulty. 

As soon as the other one felt that she had finally decided to open the door, she was relieved. But Gigi found herself in front of a show that she didn't like at all. Crystal's eyes were red and swollen from the tears still falling on her cheeks. Her light blue skirt and shirt had little spots of blood on them, Crystal held her hands in front of her with her palms upwards. 

Gigi took a deep breath, Crystal was upset enough of her own. 

\- Okay, don't worry. It's okay. We're gonna go to the hospital now, everything's gonna be okay, I promise - Gigi tried to stay calm first. She took two small towels and wrapped them around each hand. She told Crystal to hold them as tight as she could. She drove her to the car, sat her in the passenger seat, and then sped off to the hospital. 

They didn't talk to each other during the trip, Gigi took a quick look every now and then to check the situation.

Crystal, on the other hand, passed her gaze from the towels, which began to dye slightly, to the road. By now the emotional pain had mixed with the physical pain and she didn't understand anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter ugh finally! Hope you liked it💖


	7. Seven

Crystal was helped right away once in the emergency room. They had to remove the splinters from her hands and without the need to put stitches anywhere but her right palm, where a wound was deeper. Gigi tried to get in with Crystal, but she asked her to wait outside. Gigi sat in the ER waiting room. She didn't know what was gonna happen from that moment on, and it scared her. Not having Crystal by her side anymore scared her. 

\- Gigi - a voice called her and turned to the person who was coming to meet her.

\- Heidi, what are you doing here? - she asked her, stopping to look at her. 

\- Crystal asked me to pick her up... I thought she was alone, I don't understand - Heidi told her as if nothing had happened. Gigi was struck by her words, Crystal didn't want to go home with her, she didn't want to spend another minute with her. 

\- She'll explain it to you, I'm leaving - Gigi got up fast. - Look, Hedi, will you tell Crystal something? - she went back to her friend.

\- Sure - she smiled at her. 

\- Tell her I love her, okay? And that I'm sorry... And that I really love her - the girl repeated herself, moving a lock behind her ear.

\- Don't worry, I'll take care of it - Heidi gave her another kind smile and watched her leave. As soon as she sat in the car, Gigi burst into tears again. 

Crystal came out a few seconds later, greeting Heidi, who looked at her with her eyes wide open. 

\- What the hell did you do? - she asked her. The more she looked at her, the more she noticed the details on her face.

\- I don't want to talk about it - Crystal bit her lower lip. Heidi nodded and together they went to the car where Brita and Aiden were waiting. Aiden was behind the wheel and Brita was sitting next to her, they were laughing. When they saw them coming back, their smiles were dimmed. 

Heidi asked Aiden to take them home, it was almost two in the morning.

Crystal was offered half of Heidi's bed. She hadn't slept with a girl who wasn't Gigi in a really long time. The friend next to her fell asleep within ten minutes, Crystal tried and tried, but she couldn't sleep. There was too much to think about, there were so many emotions in her and with every movement that made the pain of her hands brought her broken heart to mind. Obviously she thought about Gigi, what she had done wrong to be betrayed. She also thought about Nicky and then Jackie who knew everything and told her nothing. In the end, it wasn't up to her. She couldn't blame Jackie. She couldn't even blame Nicky, maybe she even fell in love with Gigi for real and Crystal thought she did the same thing years earlier to Chester. Stil things seemed different to her...She wondered if Gigi was awake like her. She wondered what she was thinking. Calling Heidi instead of going home with her must have been a low blow for Gigi, but Crystal couldn't stay near her, she couldn't. 

The next morning Heidi woke up Crystal, who had barely been able to sleep. 

\- I'm sorry to wake you up, but I have to be out of the house at 8:00 and I told my parents we were going out together - Heidi told her. Crystal told her there was no problem, and that she had already been kind enough to let her sleep with her. The girl waited for Heidi to get ready, Crystal still had her clothes from the day before. 

They left the house, and as they walked, Heidi gasped. 

\- I forgot to tell you! - she put her hand on her forehead. The gesture made Crystal smile. 

\- What did you forget? - she asked her. Heidi stopped. 

\- Gigi told me to tell you she loves you, that she's sorry and... Wait, I don't remember. I think she told me she loves you twice. She seemed really sad - she replied, bringing back the words that Gigi had begged her to tell Crystal the night before. The latter sighed and looked down.

\- Yeah, right... - she shook Crystal's head. Heidi didn't ask questions even though she wanted to so badly. After a long stretch of road together where her friend told Crystal about her evening with Brita, Aiden, and Jan, the two had to separate. Heidi took the bus to college, Crystal said goodbye and then kept walking. At first she didn't know if she wanted to go home, but then she did. 

Gigi had started emptying a whole bottle of tequila that night. She thought only alcohol could make her forget who she was and her actions for a while. Eventually she fell asleep on the couch, drunk.

When she heard the door open and the sunlight come in, she woke up slowly. She recognized the confusion and the headache, companions of a lifetime now. She opened her eyes for a moment and saw Crystal come in. She saw her being quiet, as if she were a thief. She probably just wanted to avoid meeting her. Gigi immediately closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep. 

Crystal stopped for a moment. She saw the bottle of tequila on the coffee table in front of the sofa where Gigi was sleeping. The girl was dressed like the day before, just like her. At one point it looked like Gigi was trembling. 

Crystal went into their room, picked up a blanket and went back into the living room. She closed the window from which the morning wind came in and then covered the other one pretending to be asleep. 

Crystal sat on the armrest of the sofa, at Gigi's feet. She was reminded of Heidi's words, or rather Gigi's. "She told me to tell you that she loves you, that she's sorry."

She wanted to believe her, but then the reality prevented her. She still couldn't believe it, she couldn't connect in her mind that Gigi was the cause of that emptiness in her chest. Before starting to feel sick again she got up, was tempted to caress her face, but then she didn't and went to the bathroom. 

Gigi had only felt the warmth of the blanket and Crystal's body move the air around her. She hoped she was thinking about forgiving her or at least talking to her. Nothing happened and the roar of water from the bathroom made her realize that nothing was going to keep happening. She squeezed herself in the blanket, imagining they were Crystal's arms.

_ Nicky, small emergency meeting at my house - Jackie _

That afternoon the French girl read the message and after replying with a simple "I'm coming", she went to Jackie. She was quick to understand what had happened and why she was there.

\- It happened, didn't it? Does Crystal know? - Nicky sat on the couch with her friend. 

\- Yes, Nicky - Jackie answered her. She remained silent for a few seconds. Now that Crystal knew, there were going to be some very unpleasant events. 

Nicky had been taught that friendship is the relationship between two people who prioritize the good of the other, and she knew for sure that she hadn't thought about the good of anyone but herself. She had done nothing different from Gigi, she had betrayed Crystal too. And her betrayal was intentional, because Nicky wanted to be with Gigi, her feelings were real. She didn't care about Crystal and her feelings, what she really cared about was herself and what would make her happy. But despite this Nicky cared about her friend, she really loved her and hoped that she could forgive her even if it seemed impossible.

\- What are you thinking about? - Jackie asked her. Her position in that story was terrible, she was friends with all three of them and somehow wanted to protect them all and make sure they got out of the situation without breaking up their group of friends. It is well known that when someone create uncomfortable situations in a group, there will always be a division between "who's right" and "who's wrong" and a possible quarrel between two people would spread to everyone. Jackie wanted to avoid that. They weren't little girls anymore, but some of them acted like ones and it scared her. 

\- What am I supposed to think? Crystal didn't deserve this, and I'm sorry, but I couldn't stop my feelings. Gigi? Same, I don't know what else to think about except losing my two closest friends, no offense - Nicky answered her honestly. 

\- Look, you could try apologizing to her or talking to her tomorrow if she comes to Jaida's birthday party - Jackie proposed, trying to get her on the right track. Not talking to each other wouldn't have led to anything. Nicky nodded, agreeing with her friend's idea.

Crystal stayed at work all day to avoid Gigi, also replacing some of her colleagues. She couldn't go home. When she left, Gigi was no longer on the couch as she had left her and was relieved not to meet her. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to give herself time to think and process things. She didn't know how to react, she didn't know if she wanted to leave Gigi, if she wanted to forgive her, if she wanted to choke Nicky or if she wanted to take everything and go home to her parents. Crystal was going through a moment of total darkness and she wasn't allowed to know which direction she was moving in. 

At the end of the day, her boss had told her that she could go, that there were no more groups to teach and that everything was in order. Crystal nodded and as she left the shop, she saw that Gigi's car was parked right across the street. No one they knew lived nearby, there was no shop they frequented, so she was there for Crystal.

Gigi was leaning against the car, and as soon as she saw her, she fixed herself. 

\- Hi - she said to her with a smile. Crystal had a twinge in her heart. - I thought I'd come and get you, I hope it's not a problem... And then, well... Maybe we'll go home and I don't know, talk…? - Gigi was nervous, Crystal recognized that tone of voice and the way she rubbed her hands together. She tried not to make any wrong movements, because Gigi too knew her like the back of her hand.

\- I... I have to meet Jan - she made it up. Even standing there saying nothing to each other made her want to cry again, let alone face the problem. 

\- Is it... Is it more important than this? - Gigi said it without thinking and with a certain sadness in her voice. Only a day had passed since everything had burst apart and the more hours went by, the more minutes and seconds Gigi saw Crystal move away from her. 

\- We'll talk when I've made up my mind - Crystal answered her directly, looking down. She walked away, leaving her where she was. As soon as she turned her back to her, a few tears started streaming down her face. She had managed not to cry in distraction, but now that she was alone she had to deal with her feelings. 

Gigi watched her as she walked away and when she turned the corner and disappeared, she felt as if she just saw the future. She had a weight in her stomach and regretted every choice, every action. She wished she could go back and erase everything so that she could have her joy back, so that she could get rid of the evil she had inflicted on Crystal. Gigi felt so desperate and abandoned that she started to recite a prayer that her mother had taught her, even though she didn't believe in God. Everything was falling apart, the ground beneath her was opening up. 

She got in the car and started driving, trying not to cry.

_ If anyone asks, _

_ I'll tell them we both just moved on _

_ When people all stare _

_ I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk _

_ Whenever I see you, _

_ I'll swallow my pride _

_ and bite my tongue _

_ Pretend I'm okay with it all _

_ Act like there's nothing wrong _

_ Is it over yet? _

_ Can I open my eyes? _

_ Is this as hard as it gets? _

_ Is this what it feels like to really cry? _

_ Cry _

_ If anyone asks, _

_ I'll tell them we just grew apart  _

_ Yeah what do I care _

_ If they believe me or not _

_ Whenever I feel _

_ Your memory is breaking my heart _

_ I'll pretend I'm okay with it all _

_ Act like there's nothing wrong _

_ Is it over yet? _

_ Can I open my eyes? _

_ Is this as hard as it gets? _

_ Is this what it feels like to really cry? _

_ Cry _

_ I'm talking in circles _

_ I'm lying, they know it _

_ Why won't this just all go away _

_ Is it over yet? _

_ Can I open my eyes? _

_ Is this as hard as it gets? _

_ Is this what it feels like to really cry? _

_ Cry _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter seven is up...Maybe I'll post another chapter later!! Stay tuned, love u xx


	8. Eight

Crystal took refuge at Jan's house and discovered that all four of her friends were there. They were sitting on the big white couch big enough for everyone. The girls took Crystal in and held her between them. 

\- We called you, where were you? - Rock told her. 

\- You did? Sorry, girls, I didn't see my phone at all - Crystal took the thing out of her backpack and saw the thousand calls from her friends. 

\- That's okay, come on - Jackie smiled sympathetically, Crystal hadn't seen her since the night before, when she was in the kitchen listening to Gigi. She wondered if she had said anything to the others, if she had told them what had happened.

\- Now tell us why you have that face and what you did to your hands - Jan intervened immediately, the white bandages didn't go unnoticed and so did her sad look. 

\- Yeah, this morning you didn't tell me anymore! - Heidi remembered talking a lot, while Crystal was laughing at her idiotic jokes. 

\- Didn't Jackie think of that already? - Crystal said, almost angry. She didn't know where that question came from either. Jackie turned to her. 

\- Why would I do that? And then I don't know what you did to your hands - Jackie answered her honestly. She hadn't got over telling her friends what had happened like it was some stupid gossip. 

\- I don't understand. What's that got to do with Jackie? - Rock made a confused face. 

\- Jackie knew Gigi was cheating on me, Rock. That's what it has to do with it - Crystal's eyes went straight into Jackie's, who lowered them a little later. That gesture made her realize that Jackie really knew it before she did. 

\- Gigi what? - Jan raised her eyebrows in surprise. 

\- Is that why I picked you up from the emergency room yesterday? - Heidi spoke at the same time. 

\- Sorry, Crystal, but it wasn't my duty to tell you - Jackie was the only one Crystal could hear clearly. 

\- But whose side are you on? - Crystal kept looking at her, trying to figure out what role she was playing. 

\- None. Listen to me, all of you. Nobody takes sides here. Crystal, I can't take nobody's side. You ask me for help, Gigi asked me for help, Nicky even. I'm friends with all three of you and I don't feel like going to war - Jackie stood up, talking like a mom in the middle of a lecture. 

\- You're joking, I hope - Crystal said to her. - We've been friends since we were kids, you've always taken my side, and now you're backing out for girls who've been friends with you for less time? Explain to me, because I can't make sense of it - she got up in turn. 

\- I was taking your side at the time because they were teasing you, of course I wouldn't bully you too! And I'm not backing out, I'm just telling you I'll be impartial in all this. It's not just you who's suffering, Crystal, please understand that - the Persian girl had just lit a fire in the other. 

\- I was betrayed by the girl I thought would be my person, by the person I loved for almost three years, by Gigi, my Gigi. I was also betrayed by Nicky who was my friend. They lied to me for days and days, pretending everything was going well. Do you know what it means to sleep with someone who kisses you every night on the lips and then find out that you weren't the only one she kissed, find out that her lips were on someone else's body, who was also someone close to you? But do you know what it means to go back over the last two weeks and notice certain details that you would never have caught before because you thought that the person next to you could never betray you? You don't know what it's like to have your heart broken into a thousand pieces and to feel such pain that you feel the need to destroy things around you - she raised her hands to indicate her wounds - You have no idea what it feels like and I sincerely hope you never have to feel it, never Jackie - she concluded with clear eyes. 

\- Nicky has repented, she wants to apologize to you with all her heart. And you have no idea, you have no idea what it was like watching Gigi break apart piece by piece as she insulted herself and said she loved you to death. Crystal, you're definitely the one who's suffering the most, and I never questioned it. But Nicky and Gigi are also suffering because they've understood their mistakes and want to make up. Trust me, if you ask Gigi to rip her heart out, she'll do it for you. If you asked her to go to the highest mountain in the world, she'd do it for you three times to make it up to you. I don't feel like taking sides and accusing them and looking at them badly like we're still in high school, really - Jackie tried to explain it better to her. The friends around them seemed to be thinking about it. Being like Jackie or taking Crystal's side? 

\- Forget it, do what you want - Crystal picked up her backpack and her denim jacket. 

\- No, no, where you going - Heidi tried to stop her.

\- Crystal, wait, come on - Rock M. stood at the front door.

\- Let me go - Crystal asked her. She didn't know why she was having such a wild reaction. 

\- Sit down and let's talk this out, please - Jan told her, pulling her back to the couch. 

\- Talk about what? You're free to do whatever the fuck you want, I'll fix things myself anyway - Crystal was forced to sit down. 

\- If we act like mature people, it'll be easier, Crystal - Jackie sat down next to her and spoke more softly. 

\- Easy? It'll be easy for you. I won't make it - she sighed. 

\- Shut up, you will make it because we're going to be there. Just because we don't want to fight doesn't mean we can't help you in this bad time - Jan stroked the back of her head. Her friends agreed with her.

\- I don't know how to get help - the girl put her head on Jackie's shoulder and hugged her.

\- Why don't you start by telling us what's on your mind? Whatever - Rock proposed, taking her place on the pouffe in front of her. Heidi sat next to her, putting her hand on Crystal's leg to encourage her. 

At that moment all that support made her feel better. 

\- Gigi was my sunshine, my best friend, my girlfriend. I love her and it hurts so bad and it kills me to think of her being with someone else. It kills me to lose her, and yet I can't help it. But at the same time I feel that if I stay with her, if I forgive her when I get home, I will betray myself. I feel like an idiot, but I can't ignore the sense of disappointment and sadness. I try to take my mind off it and I can only do it for two minutes counted. And Nicky comes to mind, too, and I really wish it was someone else. I don't know, maybe I would've gotten over it and moved on, but Nicky... I can't believe it. I hate feeling like this, I hate that this happened - Crystal let it go. Her friends cuddled her while she talked, to make her feel that they were really there for her. 

\- Can I tell you what I think? - Heidi asked her. Crystal nodded and let her talk. - I think you should stay away from her for a while. If you keep not giving yourself space and staying in the house with her, you won't understand anything. You need to get away and when you're ready go home and confront her, listen to her motives and then decide. But for a few days you have to erase her, you have to think about yourself - she shrugged her shoulders. A moment of silence followed.

\- I guess Heidi's right - Jackie broke the silence. The Persian girl could see the wheels in Crystal's brain moving fast to formulate a thought. 

\- If you'd like to stay here, we have an extra bed... If you decide to move out of your house for a while - Jan proposed, agreeing with her friends. 

\- I promise I won't fart next to you - Rock giggled, putting a smile on Crystal's lips. 

\- I think that's the best choice right now, so... I'll accept your offer Jan - Crystal turned to her friend who hugged her. They all joined in the gesture of affection that the girl sorely needed. 

\- And you know what else you need? A party, drinking and dancing with us, so tomorrow night I'll take you to a nice place - Jackie came out, smiling. Crystal at first thought she didn't feel like it, but then she thought that distraction and fun wouldn't hurt her: life went on. 

That night they all stayed at Jan's, like old times. The next morning Crystal was woken up by her friends who had shot a song loudly, scaring her. They laughed and when she noticed she'd been videotaped, she threw a pillow at them. After their funny moment, they had breakfast in the kitchen. 

_ I need you. Please forgive me - Gigi _

The cell phone screen lit up. Everyone looked at the screen curiously, paying attention to how Crystal's quiet expression changed. Rock caressed her shoulder. 

Jackie offered to go to her place and get what she needed from her house. Crystal told her she would do her a huge favor if she did. Before she left the house she made a little list and explained where to find things and if she couldn’t, Gigi could’ve helped her. 

Jackie had walked to her friend's house. Gigi opened the door, hoping to find Crystal in front of her.

\- Hello, Gigi - Jackie smiled at her. 

\- Hi, come in - the girl invited her inside. Jackie noticed she didn't look so good. 

\- Look... Crystal won't be back for a while and asked me to get some things she needs - the Persian girl told her, trying to be as tactful as possible. 

\- So she's breaking up with me - Gigi closed her eyes for a moment, chasing away the tears. 

\- She's not, she just needs space - Jackie took her hand and shook it. 

\- Do you think she'll ever talk to me? - the girl asked her, a glimmer of hope had appeared in her clear eyes. Gigi was already tired of feeling that emptiness in the house and inside herself.

\- Yes, don't worry. But please, keep fighting for her. Let her know how sorry you are and how much you love her, okay? - she looked her in the eye. 

\- I promise you, I'll do everything I can to make it up to her - Gigi nodded. Jackie's words had given her confidence. 

\- Well, start doing it at Jaida's party tonight - Jackie hinted that her friends would be there. Her plan was simple: force Nicky, Gigi and Crystal into a room and make them clear things up. 

\- I'm not in the mood for a party... - the other one started.

\- Crystal will be there - Jackie said sure, she'd bring her. Gigi thought about it for a few seconds and then picked up the phone and wrote something. Her friend asked her what she was doing, and she answered that she had confirmed her presence to Jaida. Jackie smiled proudly. 

The first step of her plan was complete, now only the second step was missing: clarification. Jackie thought it would work out great and everything would return to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit happened so this chapter came late, I'm sorry!!! Hope you enjoyed it anyway xx


	9. Nine

Crystal had a good feeling that night. She felt she was gonna have fun.

Jackie took her friends to the club where Jaida was going to celebrate her birthday. Her friends were confused, not realizing why Jackie had taken them there. Crystal looked around and saw Nicky, Gigi and the rest of their friends in a corner near the DJ. 

\- Let's go, please - she said, feeling her stomach tighten. Gigi and Nicky were there. Together. 

\- Crystal, it's going to be all r...- Jackie started and then was interrupted by the birthday girl who ran to greet them.

\- You're here! Ah, I'm so happy - Jaida hugged them one by one. Now that she'd greeted them, leaving would have been rude. 

\- You look beautiful, as always - Jan complimented her on the white dress the other one was wearing. 

\- Thank you, Jan! Well, please enjoy yourselves and the others are there - the girl pointed to the corner that Crystal had already studied. The friends around her thanked her, Crystal smiled too, and then turned to face Jackie, angry.

\- I can't stay, look at them. They're sitting over there, together, I can't do it - Crystal wanted to have fun, but that would make it impossible for her. 

\- So first of all, they're not alone, Widow and Dahlia are there, too. Second, they're sitting at opposite ends, and they're not even looking at each other. Third and last thing you are here with us and we will have fun together, we won't leave you alone - Jackie explained herself, trying to keep her friend calm. She could have fun, she could do it. 

\- And then look what I got - Rock showed her some weed. - Jan's brother gave us some - she smiled. Crystal convinced herself to stay and so the evening began. 

One joint, then two glasses of Negroni, an hour on the floor with her friends and another glass given to her by Heidi, another half joint with Rock. Her evening alternated between alcohol and marijuana, all to forget that Gigi and Nicky were around. Crystal found herself alone at one point, she didn't know what happened to her friends. She went out for a few moments to get some air, felt too hot.

\- Hey, Crystal - a familiar French accent made her turn around. Nicky sounded at least as drunk as she did. So a lot.

\- Fuck you - the answer came out of her heart. In her condition she would have said everything she thought without a limit.

\- Oh come on, don't be mean to me - Nicky pouted, putting her arm around her. 

\- Don't touch me - Crystal pushed her away angry. Her emotions were at a thousand. 

\- Why are you being such a baby? - the other one started getting grumpy and pushed her back. 

\- Because you fucked my girlfriend - she answered her out loud, pushing back. 

\- Yeah, and I fucking loved it, too. The sounds she was making underneath me, her taste, her body. You no longer have the exclusive on her - Nicky really said it without thinking, there was more alcohol in her blood than water and protein. 

Crystal's cheeks turned red from anger and punched Nicky right in the face. The other one touched her broken lip. Crystal regretted it immediately, one of her already injured hands began to hurt. She tried to apologize, but Nicky wouldn't hear of it. She jumped on her, knocking her down. 

They found themselves beating each other on the outside of the club like animals. Crystal found herself under Nicky, defeated. Just before the French girl could hit her again, she managed to cover her face with her hands. The girl saw that one of her friend's two white bandages underneath her had turned completely red. That sight brought her to her senses and she managed to have a moment of lucidity. She got up and helped Crystal do it, too. 

\- Fuck, I'm sorry... I'll call somebody - Nicky panicked. 

\- No, no. Take me to the bathroom, it's nothing - Crystal told her. Her friends were having a good time and there was no need to ruin the party to Jaida. They went inside together, to the bathroom. They tried to go unnoticed, and it wasn't difficult, given the state the people around them were in. Gigi noticed instead. She had just had a glass and a half that was practically nothing to her.

\- Crystal? Nicky? - Gigi had caught up to them as she entered the bathroom shortly after they did. Nicky was wetting a handkerchief to put it on her lip, and a bruise was starting to appear on her cheekbone. Crystal, on the other hand, was busy removing the dirty bandage from her hand, and a bruise was appearing on her eye.

\- What the fuck did you guys do? - Gigi approached them alarmed. Neither of them answered. Crystal certainly didn't mean to.

\- We had a lovely conversation - Nicky spoke sour, continuing to worry about her face. 

\- I don't think so - Gigi gave her an angry look. She turned again towards Crystal, who opened the tap to put her hand under it.

\- Fuck, Crys, the hand... -the blood was gushing out, some stitches had blown off. Gigi tried to help her, but the other one didn't seem happy about it.

\- Get away from me - Crystal looked into Gigi's eyes. Her pupils were dilated from the weed. It was the first time in two days that they looked at each other so directly. Gigi felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach. 

\- You should stop being a bitch. It doesn't suit you - Nicky got in the way.

\- I'll stop when you stop being a bitch who fucks other people's girlfriends - Crystal answered her in rhymes. For a few seconds it looked like the fight was about to start again, but Gigi was among them. 

\- I think you should both stop it now - Gigi began by passing her eyes from Crystal to Nicky.

\- But don't make me laugh, it's your fault if we came to this - the French girl was in the mood for a quarrel. 

\- I didn't ask you to fight - Gigi began to take the same attitude as the other two, losing control of the situation. Soon they both started shouting and blaming each other. Crystal continued to treat her hand in silence. In the end, it was true: she was the only one who suffered. Gigi and Nicky argued without even considering apologizing to her. She couldn't figure out what they were saying. To her, it was just screaming.

Crystal wrapped the bandage around her hand, even if it was dirty, then headed for the door. She wouldn't be watching them. 

\- Where are you going? - Gigi blocked her. 

\- I'm going home. Keep arguing, I don't matter in this story anyway - she gave her a fake smile to make fun of her. The silence fell.

\- Stay, let's talk - Nicky then told her, calmer. 

\- No, you two go ahead and maybe fuck later - Crystal felt like crying. The girls in front of her were still speechless, struck by her sarcasm. 

\- Crystal, we are so sorry. Let us explain - Gigi tried. But Crystal simply walked away. Her heart hurt too much and she just wanted to go home. Just after the bar, Jan went up against her. 

\- I'm going home - she said to her, Jan nodded and greeted her euphorically. She had been drinking too. Crystal took the glass in her hands and took it with her. As she left, she drank the drink all at once. 

In the bathroom, Nicky and Gigi had been upset for a few moments. 

\- Can we at least talk civilly? - the French girl proposed to the other.

\- Maybe some other time, I have to go see Crystal now... I can't let her go - she said seriously. Nicky seemed to be sad, but she told Gigi to go ahead, that she didn't care. 

Gigi started chasing Crystal, who was almost at the end of the street by now. Reaching her wasn't difficult thanks to her long legs and her lucidity. When she came to her side, Crystal instinctively leaned against her. Deep inside, Gigi was still her safe harbor. At that moment she began to lose herself in her feelings. 

She looked for a moment at Gigi in those eyes, a light blue grey or a grey light blue. Of a somewhat uncertain and ambiguous color, the color, for example, of a distant mountain. Crystal lost herself in it, recognizing the soul that hid behind her irises. She carried a hand on her cheek, Gigi enjoyed her touch. She felt that she missed her as the air and the weight of her mistakes crushed her even harder. A small smile was painted on Crystal's lips, Gigi wondered what she was thinking, the pain and disappointment in her eyes seemed to be gone. The girl was only sure of one thing at that moment: the weed and alcohol were moving Crystal. She didn't know if they were stripping the girl of her inhibition and anger, or if she was just confused. Whatever it was, Gigi didn't want it to end. 

Crystal got closer, their faces were distanced by a thread of air and their breaths began to synchronize. And Gigi's heart burst. She had missed her for two days and thought that if Crystal left her she would probably die without her. 

Their foreheads came together. That little gesture meant so much to both of them, it was more intimate than a kiss. Their story began like that, resting their foreheads on each other to seal a promise.

They both remembered that moment held in their hearts.

_\- It's okay. It's the least I could do. I... I'm fine, yeah, and it's because of you Gi - she nodded and smiled. There was a moment of silence, in which Gigi's hand landed on the other one's._

_\- Let's make a promise, put your forehead on mine - the girl settled on the seat._

_\- Did you just make that up? - Crystal giggled and followed the instructions, resting her forehead on Gigi's._

_\- Exactly - they laughed together. - From now on, we're best friends and we'll always be there for each other -._

_\- I promise - Crystal answered and their smiles turned into silence. A silence in which their lips seemed to be drawn to each other and their eyes were mixing._

_One moment, one intense moment._

There are moments when a particular light envelops you and memories open up, and suddenly you feel the air of another place, another month, another life. 

Crystal took Gigi's hand and without needing to speak, together they headed towards their home, that little nest they had created. 

They closed the door behind them. The curly-haired girl carried her hands between the other one's long hair, pulling her in a slow kiss. They walked towards the bedroom, their clothes slipped away, discovering more and more their warm skins. Crystal let Gigi lie under her gently and caressed her smooth thighs. She began to leave kisses on her jaw and then on her neck, savoring the moment and letting herself be carried away by the familiar scent of the girl. She enjoyed playing with the hooks of Gigi's bra before she slipped it off and caressed the rest of her body. Gigi felt the chills go through her back with every touch. Crystal kissed the center of her chest and started to come down, leaving kisses on her belly. She reached to the elastic band of her pink panties and pulled it down, until she discovered her completely. Crystal kept coming down.

Gigi felt Crystal's tongue licking at her entrance. She let out a moan that made Crystal give her more. She licked her, sucked her clit and inserted her tongue. Gigi arched her back underneath her, her growing moans were music to Crystal's ears. The girl began to alternate her tongue with her fingers until she slid her finger inside Gigi. She moved it slowly, causing more chills. She added a second finger, Gigi moaned as Crystal slid her fingers in and out of her at a faster peace. Then she pulled out her fingers completely, moving her hand to slowly rub Gigi's clitoris. Crystal slid her in again. She started playing like that and Gigi moaned and gasped in a pornographic way. Crystal moved her fingers in and out very slowly when she realized that Gigi was coming. The girl was moving her hips to a rhythm, trying to push them further in. Crystal kept licking her clitoris. Gigi was so close, her skinny thighs began to tremble as a series of moans and muffled sounds left her lips. Crystal pulled out her fingers just as Gigi came, directly on her tongue. She let her catch her breath for a few minutes until Gigi smiled at her, and sat on her. She started teasing her nipples, stopping on the one she had pierced last summer. She enjoyed the light moans coming out of the girl's lips. As she tortured her breasts, Gigi kissed her neck, leaving her with bites. She kept touching her like that, the other one's breath got shorter. 

The girl on top of her stopped when she was satisfied enough. She took herself from above Crystal, sliding the only remaining garment along her legs, kissing her inner thigh. She guided her until she was placed over her face. Gigi placed one hand on her hip to let her sit on her face and the other went straight to Crystal's clitoris. The other moaned and Gigi began to massage slowly, at a slow pace.

Crystal made noises as she pushed her hips towards each other's fingers, trying to increase friction. With that movement Gigi decided to give her what she wanted. She had replaced her fingers with her lips. Gigi sucked Crystal's clitoris and licked her entrance. Crystal moaned louder at that contact and Gigi did the same, creating vibrations. Crystal moved her hips in rhythm with Gigi's skillful tongue. Crystal grabbed Gigi's hair and pulled her closer, the girl realized that the other one was coming. She increased the rhythm, caressing Crystal's intimacy with her fingers. Crystal squeezed her legs around Gigi's head. The latter licked Crystal through her orgasm, her legs trembled and Crystal moaned loudly. 

They lay down next to each other. They stood still, Gigi wasn't sure what to do. 

Crystal felt the effects of the alcohol and the smoke begin to leave her. She felt heavy love for the girl next to her, she felt in the right place and shouldn't have. Gigi had cheated on her, Crystal shouldn't have been lying with her in their bed after sex. If it was all wrong, why did she feel she was in the right place at the right time? Why? 

\- I love you - Gigi told her in a whisper, her gaze initially pointed at the ceiling. She said it out loud, like it was the last chance to let her know it was really so, like she was saying goodbye. Crystal couldn't hold back her tears. Gigi laid her eyes on her and held her close. 

Hearts skip heady, you illuminate the sky

Somewhere steady we hallucinate the highs

Living life unheady on a planet black and white

But the colour's heavy when it's only you and I

Spilling secrets, can we keep this to ourselves

Little whispers, sudden shivers

And for a moment nothing else

Hello, hello

Just let me hold you

Your lonely bones

Just let me love you

Hello, Hello

Hands slip slowly, make a spark under the moon

The stars stay glowing, ablaze beyond the bloom

Won't you say you'll throw me from the shadow that I know

The hours slowly when it's only me and you

Spilling secrets, can we keep this to ourselves

Little whispers, sudden shivers

And for a moment nothing else

Hello, hello

Just let me hold you

Your lonely bones

Just let me love you

Spilling secrets, can we keep this to ourselves

Little whispers, sudden shivers

And for a moment nothing else

Crystal cried with Gigi until they fell asleep, one clinging to the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Let me know what you think about it, I hope you liked it! Love ya


	10. Ten

The next morning Gigi thought she'd had a dream. Sometimes a solution seems plausible only in this way: dreaming. Perhaps because reason is fearful, unable to fill the gaps between things, to establish completeness, which is a form of simplicity, prefers a complication full of holes, and then the will entrusts the solution to the dream.  
Gigi had woken up and the curly girl was no longer in her arms, in the room or even in the house. She followed her clothes scattered on the floor through the living room and the corridor, which were lonely and sad: the other one's colored ones were no longer there. Gigi thought she could never have described it better than that: she felt lonely and sad without Crystal's thousand colours.   
The latter seemed to have left no trace of herself, apart on Gigi. The purple marks on her neck were the only thing that made her say that the night before was not just a dream.   
When she went into the kitchen, however, she found a cappuccino and a piece of cake on the table. Their breakfast together. There was a note on the glass.

**_"When I come back, we'll talk."_ **

A strange happiness took her chest. Crystal wanted to talk to her. She'd left her breakfast. It seemed like a good sign. Then Gigi felt the anxiety burst. That wasn't necessarily a sign of peace. Anything could have happened. Crystal may have decided she wanted to leave her, and her gesture had been a simple kindness. A thousand different scenarios were painted in her head. She began to think of a speech to make to her, asked herself questions that Crystal might ask her and prepared what to answer. In the end, she spent her time filling her head.   
The other one started crying when her "I love you" filled the room, as if her statement had hurt her. Maybe it had, and the thought of having hurt her again made Crystal's tears mix with Gigi's tears. They hadn't said another word to each other, not a word, and yet it was as if they had said everything, and that interconnectedness was so strangely beautiful. They knew they didn't have to over explain because they knew each other so well.  
Crystal had gone out, bought breakfast, and then snuck out. She remembered what had happened the night before and the need to confront Gigi had become overwhelming. After what had happened she had to make a decision or she knew it would go on like that, between long silences and sex. Crystal loved her. She couldn't deny it to anyone, not even herself.  
Alcohol and smoking had lowered her defenses by making her do what she wanted without thinking. She could have loved her as much as she wanted, but Gigi had betrayed her anyway, she had lost her trust. She didn't know what to do and realized that she would never have known if she hadn't talked with Gigi. There had to be a confrontation at any cost, or she would have continued to talk to herself without any response.   
But first she had decided to go to someone else. 

\- Hello, Nicky - she had gone to her house. 

\- Hi...I thought you didn't want to...I mean, last night...- Nicky had started babbling. She'd been thinking about how she'd hit Crystal and how they'd been fighting like two silly boys. 

\- You wanna talk about it here in your pajamas or? - Crystal had pointed it out to her. Nicky apologized and let her in, inviting her to sit down. They spent a few minutes in silence, didn't know where to start.

\- Sorry I hit you - Nicky said to her, looking at her black eye. 

\- No, I'm sorry I hit you first - she pointed at the other one's broken lip. 

\- Yes, but I said those things - the French girl had the words clear in her mind.

\- We were both drunk - Crystal sighed. 

\- Crystal, I've been a horrible friend. I think I want to start by apologizing to you, and it doesn’t matter if you don't want to accept it, I understand. It was a stupid game at first, I swear. Gigi was drunk, and she said she wanted affection, and then we kissed. Crystal... - Nicky admitted, looking for any kind of emotion in the other one.

\- I don't want to know what you did. I want to know how you feel, what you think and what you thought. I want to talk to you, about you - she told her. 

\- Honestly? - she asked her, looking down.

\- Yes, and I don't care if it hurts. Just tell me - Crystal made herself small. 

\- I fell in love with Gigi months ago. We've always been friends, but by spending more time with her, getting to know her even better and sharing our feelings something in me snapped. I tried to keep it under control, I suppressed my feelings just to keep it under control, but it didn't work. She knew that I was attracted to her, she was aware of it, I always told her jokingly. I never told her explicitly about my feelings, but she understood. Surely ignoring it was easier for her too. Every time she snuggled up to me, I was too happy about it, and when she looked me in the eye I felt I had to kiss her. At first things went as I feared, with her walking away from me after finding out the truth. It broke my heart, Crystal, and I can't explain the jealousy I felt for you. I wanted Gigi to kiss **me** again, I wanted her to fall in love with **me** , I thought it could start something between us. I did a lot of shit later, I know, but I did it because I decided to think about me, what I wanted instead of how you would feel. I told myself I'd rather live without brakes. But I hadn't calculated that a car without brakes would crash sooner or later and that's what happened. And in doing so I dragged both you and Gigi into a chain of pain and unpleasant events and in the end this story is shit for everyone - Nicky wiped her tears quickly before more could fall. Crystal could understand how Nicky felt just by looking at her. She knew how heavy the emptiness in her chest was. 

\- You're right, it's hard for everyone, no doubt. But put yourself in my shoes, think how betrayed and hurt I felt the moment I knew. You were one of the few people I felt I could count on 100%. Unfortunately, you don't decide who you fall in love with. I can't blame you for that, Nicky. The fact is, if both of you had come to me right after that damn kiss, without going on with secrets and lies and stuff like that, we could have avoided this whole mess. I might have even forgiven you, and I'll tell you more, I would have stood by you, helped you with your feelings for Gigi. And it's weird, yeah, but you know me... I never leave anyone in the lurch. But fuck, you've made everything so complicated and it was also the choice to keep going without thinking about me for a second that hurt me so much. It drives me crazy to think that you pretended nothing happened and I wonder if you would have told me sooner or later, or if you would have buried the secret until it died - Crystal's voice started to break. 

\- I'm so sorry, Crystal. I'm sorry I've been this kind of friend, I'm sorry I didn't respect you, I'm sorry for all the lies and shit I've done. I don't know how else to apologize to you, and I know words won't do it. I just hope you can forgive me... If not at least forgive Gigi, she needs you and loves you - Nicky took her hands and was surprised when the other one let her. Crystal didn't say anything for a while. She was thinking, she was trying to understand and evaluate. Her heart said forgive her, her head was afraid she'd betray her again. 

\- I'll accept the apology for now, but I can't promise I'll forgive you anytime soon... I'm sorry - Crystal turned to the other one. The French girl had nodded with clear eyes. It wasn't much, but it was a start.   
Crystal's phone rang and she took a moment to answer it. 

\- Mama, speak slowly... Where? Wait for me, I’ll be there in a minute, okay?... Don’t worry - she hung up the phone and Nicky looked at her worried. Crystal’s face had turned white and she stared blankly for a few seconds. 

\- Crystal? What happened? - she asked her and walked up to her. 

\- Look, I gotta go. I promise I'll be in touch - Crystal ran her hand through her hair and said goodbye to Nicky who still didn't understand. She'd left in a hurry, with no explanation.   
Who hasn't been prey to fear at least once? Fear grips us, it "paralyzes" us: our heart beats faster, we sweat and our legs sag, we scream or we can't speak. Even though we all know it, it is very difficult to say exactly what fear is, which seems to have many faces. The fear of running out of milk, for example, is very different from the fear of taking an exam, which in turn is different from the fear of taking the plane.   
Fear, dismay, terror, panic and anguish are all related emotions, yet different. It happens to everyone to be afraid, at any age. Children can experience great fears: of darkness, of being abandoned, of monsters living under the bed or of terrifying nightmares. But even as teenagers and adults we continue to experience them. They fear loneliness, the loss of a loved one, betrayal, illness, dismissal, judgment, the dentist. It happens that you feel in danger in an unfamiliar street in an unfamiliar city, in your own home after an earthquake or in a crowded subway car, when a stranger looks at you insistently.  
Contrary to what it may seem, fear often has little to do with the real dangers we run. Our imagination is the greatest food of fear. I may be afraid of spiders, but you don't have to find one in the kitchen to give me the creeps. I just have to think about it! And the person I meet in the evening on a deserted street probably has no hostile intention and will continue on his way without even looking at me, despite my fears.  
Sometimes, we even feel a completely indeterminate fear, independent of any reason, even imaginary. Heidegger called this emotion "anguish", to distinguish it from determined fears, and claimed that the anguish that sometimes takes us is due to the mere fact of living and being exposed to the world.   
And then there is the fear of death, which is one of those fears that we can call ancestral most of all.  
Every culture, every existing social form, uses ways to "exorcise" the fear of an event like death, which, unlike other aspects of the human being, is something that the person is absolutely unable to predict and from which it is impossible to escape.  
Crystal, while running through the streets of Los Angeles, was afraid. Her mother's call had been a bolt out of the blue, more or less. She hadn't understood a word Gloria had said to her quickly in Spanish, agitated. When something bad happened, her mother didn't have time to speak English and translate what she was thinking. Crystal could understand her even so, but on the phone she only understood that something had happened to her father.  
She kept running, her breath was short and her throat was starting to burn with her tired lungs. But the fear just wouldn't stop her. It was as if a huge dog was chasing her and if she stopped it would bite her. 

\- Crystal! - the horn of her car and Gigi's voice resounded clear to her ears. She turned around and there she was, inviting her to get in the car. She jumped right into it.

\- How did you...? - she tried to talk, but her breath wouldn't let her. While she was trying to get some air, Gigi drove off.

\- Your mother called me, she thought you were with me - she answered her doubts. Gloria used to call Gigi when she was looking for Crystal, knowing that she rarely kept her phone handy. And then for Gloria and Stephen, Gigi was like a daughter by now, they didn't make too much trouble.

\- What did she say to you? Did you understand anything? - Crystal buckled her seatbelt when the red car light started making an annoying sound.

\- No, just your name and something like "El hospital" - Gigi kept her eyes on the road, busy driving without crashing.

\- Go faster please - begged her impatiently, she felt her head explode. 

\- We'd better get alive in the hospital - she answered her. Gigi had thought something had happened to Crystal, she had jumped into the car with her heart in her throat, and when she saw her running down the street it was a relief.   
They arrived at the hospital, Crystal got out of the car while Gigi was still parking. She ran inside, asking about her father. Gigi followed her shortly after, keeping up with her when she was so worried was a struggle.   
Crystal's father was now at stage IV: high inability. In that stage, the Parkinson's disease sufferer is in greater need of assistance in carrying out normal daily activities and is no longer able to live alone. In stage four, the patient has frequent falls and tasks requiring fine motor control are difficult or impossible. Stephen was only at the beginning of stage four and Gloria was always with him, Crystal couldn't think.   
In those two years Crystal had learned to deal with her parent's illness, also thanks to Gigi who had remained at her side.  
Together with her father she had continued to maintain a sort of daily routine, in their free time Crystal had sometimes helped him to cook one of her special dishes. She had helped him to feed the day, the spirit to be able to put the disease in the background. Gigi had read to Crystal an article that said that there was a close correlation between the chemistry in the smile and moments of suffering: those who practiced good humor, positive thinking, allowed the body to be more reactive in facing even physically serious diseases, not to isolate themselves or fall into depression. It had worked with Stephen.   
Among them they talked about what was happening, they had never started to deny the evidence, they talked as much as possible, not only about the new health condition but about their own life. Stephen, Gloria, Crystal and Gigi, who was part of their family, went step by step through therapies, visits and possible solutions to unravel a space where they still talked about "possibilities", so as not to feel directly in the grip of death. 

Gloria ran to meet the girls, hugging them tightly. Gigi and Crystal exchanged a glance. 

\- Mom, what's going on? - she asked, pulling her hair out of her face. 

\- Estaba hablando con la vecina, me distraje y tu padre se cayó, no se despertó! - the woman laid her hands on her daughter's face. She was really worried. 

\- It's not your fault, don't worry. He'll wake up, he'll wake up, he'll be fine - she threw her in another hug. Crystal tried to keep her world on its feet, and just when it seemed it couldn't crack any more, it had completely collapsed. She had to be strong for her mother.   
Gigi didn't understand a single word of the woman, but Crystal's answer left her with something. As she was embracing her mother, their eyes met again.   
Gigi read in their eyes that she needed her, that Crystal couldn't do it alone. She gave her a little smile. She wasn't gonna leave her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry if I'm not able to publish a chapter everyday, I promise I'll make it up!!!


	11. Eleven

Gloria broke away from the embrace, her hands slipped from Crystal's shoulders to her hands. When the woman took them and instead of soft skin touched the rough bands, she began to notice the details in her daughter's face. 

Her unmade curls, her black eye, her dull smile, and a strange pain in her eyes. 

\- What have you done, nena? - she caressed her face lovingly. Crystal lost a moment in her mother's dark eyes.

\- It's nothing, don't worry - she tried to reassure her with a smile, it didn't seem the right time to talk about it. Gloria turned to Gigi, looking for answers in her face now. The black-haired girl looked down.

\- Did you do it? Did you hit her? - her eyebrows were furrowed, ready to attack her if the answer was yes. Gigi immediately raised her head and said no, she would never do such a thing to anyone, especially Crystal.

\- What are you thinking, Gigi wouldn't hurt a fly... I promise I'll tell you when we get out of here, with dad - Crystal stopped her right away, defending the other one. 

\- ¡Dios mío! I lose you for a few weeks and look what happens - Gloria exclaimed, dropping the thing. Luckily before one of the three could add anything, a doctor came to them immediately. 

Stephen had banged his head probably at some edge because of the cut on the back of his neck, he would have gotten away with a few stitches, but he would have remained under observation. In his condition everything could happen at any moment, his body was slowly collapsing. 

\- Parkinson's is not a fatal disease in itself. It is a slow-progressing disease and the lives of the sick have been greatly lengthened by good symptom control with therapy. In order to avoid complications related to the disease, which are much more dangerous than Parkinson's, it is good to preserve as much as possible a good quality of life by respecting the prescriptions of specialists, keeping active with physiotherapy and physical exercise and not underestimating the other pathologies one suffers from - the doctor had started to explain and reassure women in front of him. Stephen would be fine, they would do whatever it took to get him out as soon as possible. Their job was to save lives, and he promised they would do it without a doubt. 

Before going into the room to see Stephen, Crystal and Gigi stayed outside for a few moments. 

\- Thank you for staying... - Crystal, a little shorter than Gigi, felt small.

\- There's no need, it's the least I could do - she raised her hand for a moment, taken by the instinct to move a lock behind her ear. She lowered it immediately after, embarrassed when Crystal backed away a little.

\- Would you like to wait for me at home? - she asked her, indirectly inviting her to leave. The discomfort and detachment between them was felt a thousand miles away, and Crystal believed it was not appropriate to bring their problems into her family, which already had so many. 

\- Yeah, okay... - Gigi nodded, a little disappointed. In one sentence, she was cut off from the family she'd joined, but she understood that. She said goodbye and Crystal raised her hand to do the same. The latter watched her leave, wished she would turn around and come back, and when she lost hope, she went into her father's room. 

Gigi turned around, but Crystal was gone. Her nightmare was coming true.

Once home, she turned on the radio and made it loud. She needed to channel that feeling of being near the end somehow. Yet the universe seemed to speak to her through the song that was playing. 

_ Remember all the things we wanted _

_ Now all our memories, they're haunted _

_ We were always meant to say goodbye _

_ Even with our fists held high _

_ It never would have worked out right _

_ We were never meant for do or die _

_ I didn't want us to burn out _

_ I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop _

She remembered all the things they wanted and planned together, all the bad and good memories they had made and held in their hearts.

Why they had to say goodbye? Was it going to end like that? 

They were never meant to do or die, Gigi never wanted them to burn.

She didn’t mean hurt her. Her chest started aching, imagining it was Crystal saying those things to her.

_ I want you to know _

_ That it doesn't matter _

_ Where we take this road _

_ But someone's gotta go _

Gigi didn't want her to go. She didn't want her to stop loving her.

_ And I want you to know _

_ You couldn't have loved me better _

_ But I want you to move on _

_ So I'm already gone _

Crystal couldn't have loved her better, and she had the nerve to break her heart. 

Gigi would never have been able to move on. Crystal was her light.

_ Looking at you makes it harder _

_ But I know that you'll find another _

_ That doesn't always make you wanna cry _

_ It started with the perfect kiss then _

_ We could feel the poison set in _

_ "Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive _

She wondered if looking at her was hard for Crystal, if she'll leave her and find someone else. 

That made her want to cry. Gigi could never replace her. She made a mistake with Nicky, and she'd never be good enough for Crystal.

_ It started with the perfect kiss back then, we could feel the poison spreading... _

_ "Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive.  _

She remembered their first kiss:

Gigi only rested her gaze on Crystal's face after she fixed her curls. Their glances crossed and it was as if their bodies followed an order, or rather almost a distant prayer, that they had given each other. 

"Please kiss me."

"Make her kiss me" 

Crystal put her hand on Gigi's cheek and left a gentle kiss on her lips. This was followed by other little moulded kisses, as if they were afraid to go too far. 

_ You know that I love you so _

_ I love you enough to let you go _

_ Remember all the things we wanted _

_ Now all our memories, they're haunted _

_ We were always meant to say goodbye _

She loved her so much and she hoped Crystal loved her enough to not let her go.

They weren’t meant to say goodbye. 

Gigi didn't want to say goodbye, she hoped with every fiber of her body that Crystal felt the same way.

Gloria and Stephen were quick to notice Crystal's watery eyes. The girl walked up to them and hugged them. She felt like when she was little and after a nightmare she ran to them to be hugged and reassured, then went back to sleep safely. Her parents had passed this role when Gigi entered her life. But she was gone.

\- Nena, what happened? - her mother stroked her back. Crystal hid her face on her father's shoulder and started crying. The thought that Gigi was giving up on her was destroying her, along with many other fears. She didn’t turn around, she didn’t run back to her.

\- I think Gigi and I are going to break up - she said, her mother handed her a handkerchief. 

\- What did you fight about this time? Didn't you respect the shopping schedule? - the woman was joking around. She'd heard that line a thousand times and there was always some idiotic reason behind it. 

\- Gigi cheated on me with another girl - Crystal said nothing more. She raised her eyes to the ceiling to prevent more tears from rolling down. She thought she could fill two carboys of water with all the tears she had made in three or four days. 

\- And you want to leave her? - Gloria asked her another question. Her intention was to help her daughter, who seemed quite lost in herself. She was her mother, nobody knew her better.

\- I have no idea, mom, I don't know - while she was talking, her father had taken her hand and squeezed it in his trembling hands. He was listening to her, he was supporting her.

\- Then tell me one thing you know - her mother gestured to let her talk.

\- I know I love her - Crystal didn't think about it for more than a second and answered.

\- Then listen to me good, because I'm going to tell you what I think. Infidelity is a serious betrayal, and there's no guarantee that you can recover a relationship after such a wrong. But some relationships can survive, and with a lot of work they can even reborn stronger. Both of you could learn to know each other even better, to rediscover your values and the importance of your relationship in life. The road to recovery is a two-way street, Crystal, both of you will have to work hard to learn something from betrayal, offer and accept forgiveness, and make a new commitment to stay together. You must give her this chance only and only if you are sure that this time she will keep the commitment, that you will both keep it. You must be sure that it will not just be you who will work to keep you two together, you must be sure that Gigi still loves you and wants to repair her mistake at all costs, even if she should lose you - Gloria tried to put together her English and give one of her precious advices to Crystal. She only wanted her own good, she wanted her daughter to be happy, just like any normal parent, and Gigi had helped her over time to make her colors explode. Gloria and Stephen had seen them grow up together from the outside and had always urged each other to be better people. 

\- I... I think she wants to make up for it - Crystal thought about her mother's words for a while. Her father shook her hand harder.

\- Go - he spoke weakly, looking her in the eye. He, too, had grown up, and not just with age. Two years earlier he was a homophobic and obtuse man, then his daughter had forced him to listen to her and re-educated him. Now for Stephen love was not just a man and a woman, but a feeling with a thousand and one nuances, a feeling between two people. 

\- What are you waiting for? That's an order! - her mother smiled at her, making her get up from her chair and start pushing her out the door. Crystal started laughing at Gloria's behavior, some tears still in her eyes.

\- Will you be alright without me? - she asked her before she left.

\- Yes, now get lost! - she gave her a kiss on the cheek and then watched with her husband Crystal run away. 

love /lʌv/

noun

Passionate and exclusive, instinctive and intuitive dedication between people, aimed at ensuring mutual happiness, or satisfaction on the sexual level: chaste l., platonic, sensual; passionate l., overwhelming; desire, torment of l..

Out of curiosity when she was a child, Crystal had looked up the feeling in the dictionary. Everyone talked about it, but she could never understand it.

Everyone thinks they know what love is; there is no other word in the world that has been more idealized, and perhaps misunderstood, than the word "love”. Everybody knows what love is, or at least thinks they do.

In the name of love, poetry, music, literature, cinema, art indulged. 

In the name of what is called love you make eternal promises and blatant deeds, and then you get angry and suffer.

One could talk about it endlessly, and yet one would only scratch at its true meaning. Because love is everything we believe it to be and also everything the opposite:

It's a feeling that arises spontaneously, but it also needs to be nurtured over time;

it's something irrational but also logical and rational;

it is an activity of the heart but also of the mind;

it's an emotion that can make us alive but also make us live an illusion;

It's an instinctive impulse but also a talent to develop.

Yes, loving is a talent, a bit like playing the piano or painting, a "movement" of body and soul that becomes more graceful as we practice. 

Luckily Crystal was a fantastic painter and Gigi could play the piano in a sublime way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter!!! Love u all xx


	12. Twelve

Crystal had arrived home, from the outside she could hear the music that the other one had played loudly. She walked in, the living room was empty, she closed the door behind her. Crystal called out her name, but the melody covered her voice. She made her way to their room, the door was open. She saw Gigi sitting cross-legged on the bed, her face hidden in a cream-coloured pillow precisely to match. Her black hair fell on her back and shoulders, the girl was holding the pillow as if her life depended on it.

Crystal felt her chest tighten, the music wouldn't let her hear, but she was sure that Gigi was crying and sobbing. She had done it other times when they had quarrelled, the only difference was that she screamed into the pillow and it always entertained Crystal. In that moment she was almost soft and sorry, Gigi was so vulnerable and it was very rare to see her like that. 

Crystal came over to the bed and sat next to her. She placed her hand on her back, Gigi raised her head, frightened by the sudden contact. She paused the music from her phone. 

\- Hi - a thread of voice left her lips. She tried to pull herself together somehow.

\- Hey, why are you crying? - Crystal dried her cheeks. Her instincts told her to do it, to take care of her. 

\- I wasn't crying - Gigi looked down, cleared her voice.

\- Gigi, we're here because of lies... Tell me the truth - she told her, cross-legged like the other one. Gigi remained silent for a short while.

\- You think I don't know what's going to happen? - her heart was trembling just like her voice and hands. She couldn't think about it without feeling so bad.

\- What's "going to happen"? - the girl asked her, bending her head to one side.

\- I'll tell you what I did, because, I'll try to apologize, then we'll end up arguing and screaming, you'll hate me and then you will do it - Gigi took a deep breath, explaining more or less what she was thinking about. It would have been impossible to describe the pain of guilt she was feeling.

\- What? - One more question. Crystal didn't understand.

\- You will break up with me - the girl spoke softly, she was afraid to read in the other's eyes the confirmation of her statement. Crystal frowned instead.

\- Let's do one thing at a time, without jumping to hasty conclusions... I can't promise you that I won't, but I can't promise you that I'll stay - she started playing with the hair band she had on her wrist. The anxiety was getting to her too. If Gigi hadn't shown her what she needed, even if it would have broken both of their hearts, she would have been forced to leave her.

Crystal then asked Gigi to tell her everything that had happened, every episode, every detail. She was the only one she wanted to know the facts from, she wanted her to tell her directly, not Jackie, not Nicky, just Gigi. She was making her do what she hadn't had the courage to do weeks before: tell her the whole truth.

\- I don't remember much about that first kiss, I was really out of my mind, but I know I wanted to give her a normal kiss. A mold kiss, like a kiss between friends, it was a joke. But it couldn't be for Nicky. She has a crush on me. I knew it and I took advantage of it. I decided to stop immediately. I started not talking to her, avoiding her. I shut her out of my life because everything was so weird and I did that to you. Things got worse anyway, Crystal. I was in the bathroom with Jackie at the club, you know that night when Jan performed for the first time... Well, Nicky came into the bathroom drunk. We kissed again, I don't know why I felt a strange vibration in me and it happened. I kept thinking about pushing her away, but I never did. I... - Gigi stopped for a moment. Crystal was biting her lower lip, she was holding back tears, and she wasn't even at the worst part. What had she done? Gigi didn't even know what the hell she was thinking when she decided to cheat on her. She remembered everything as moments of confusion and unconsciousness. It was like she wasn't the person living those moments.

\- Maybe I'd better stop, Crystal, I can't see you like this - she told her, she felt she was going to start crying again. 

\- No, no. I want to know, please - the other begged her. 

\- Okay... I was saying that...That I let Nicky carry a hand under my dress, let her touch me. It was a big mistake, a huge mistake, and now thinking back, that's not me. That's not me. I see the scenes in my head, but it's like I'm seeing everything in third person, like in a dream. And my chest hurts because I remember you and the pain I caused you, that I'm still causing right now. Nicky a few days later forced me to talk to her because I still avoided her like the plague. She bewitched me, I let myself be convinced to go to her house after class... The day we played with paint in the garden and I almost convinced you to dye your hair orange. A few hours earlier I was at her place, in her bed. We...Well, we started doing it, but then the reality of things started to crush me. I thought of you, I couldn't breathe because of guilt, I started crying and freaking out. I realized I'd just screwed everything up, I realized I really loved you when it was too late. And I did this horrible thing to you, I betrayed you and your trust and all the love you've always given me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry from... - Gigi had started talking fast, the tears were close to coming out. What she felt for Crystal was real. She loved her, she loved her so much, and there was no cure for what she had done to her.

\- Stop, please, stop - Crystal had stopped her. The grip on her stomach and chest had become too strong, she felt so emotionally exhausted that her body had begun to suffer. For a few moments she was breathless, she had no idea that hearing her say those things would hurt so much. It was as if she was in apnea, underwater, and couldn't come back to the surface. 

Gigi had shut herself up without much fuss. She couldn't resist. She hugged Crystal. She was feeling like that because of her, she'd never forgive herself. 

Crystal pushed her away, got out of bed, Gigi did the same. The curly haired girl started freaking out, the other one tried to stop her, holding her.

-I hate you, I hate you, I hate you - Crystal was giving her light blows on her chest, trying to free herself, but then they got weaker and weaker and she let go of the grip, starting to cry. 

Gigi stroked her hair. She knew she didn't mean it, but she also knew she deserved it.

\- Why Gigi, why - she cried with her forehead resting on her shoulder. She didn't seem to want to let her go because of the way she'd started to hold her. 

\- I don't know, I really don't know, Crystal - the other one answered with the voice that had begun to break. It was so damn hard to be in that position, and it hurt as much as seeing Crystal like that. 

\- You no longer love me - the statement came out loud and clear from her lips. Gigi did not hesitate to have her eyes looked into the other’s. Crystal could have told her anything and would have agreed with her, except that. Gigi loved her and loved her perhaps even stronger than before. She wouldn't let her think that. Never.

\- Crystal, you don't have to think that. Not even by accident, you hear me? - her clear eyes pointed into the other's brown ones. They went right into her heart, into her soul.

\- I came here to forgive you, to start over, but I don't know if I can. It tears me apart to think that you don't love me as much as I love you. We're playing who can stab the other one better, and it's not fair, it's not. I want to protect myself and I want to set you free, Gigi. I love you, I love you so much, I could never put it into words, and I have to let you go to make you happy, do you understand? It's all too toxic like this, I can't do it, I can't keep you in something you don't want to be a part of... - Crystal didn't even seem to listen to the answer Gigi gave her a second ago. She was in her head, she couldn't get out of it, she couldn't find her way home. A thousand emotions, a thousand tangled thoughts, and no one who seemed to be able to help her find the end of the thread. 

But Gigi was there and she wasn't going to leave her stuck in that maze, she had to get her out, she had to help her open her eyes and make her see that she was there and didn't want to be anywhere else but next to her. She didn't want to live her life with anyone but Crystal. 

\- Calm down, hey. Crystal you gotta breathe a minute - Gigi sat her down on the bed, tied her hair in a high ponytail, being careful not to hurt her. Crystal kept crying, but she was letting go of her touch. The black haired girl caressed her face again, letting her calm down a bit, then walked away and took something out of a drawer. She could feel Crystal's gaze following her around the room until she sat next to her. Without saying anything, she opened the album she had in her hands and began to leaf through it.

\- I loved you from the very first moment. You freed me from a life that didn't belong to me, you made me discover the true meaning of "love". You protected me, you supported me, you welcomed me into your home, into your heart. You made me know every side of you from the one I love most to my least favorite. You have allowed me to love you deeply, in every way, in every nuance, you have allowed me to mix my color with yours and we have created a new one together even more beautiful and bright. You taught me to be better, to pursue my dreams. You even took me to a big city to give me back my family, my brother, because you knew how important he was to me. 

The thought of living without you, Crystal, scares me and hurts me. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. Your eyes make me feel safe, even in the middle of a war. Your eyes have hands that take me and calm me, that embrace me. Your eyes have the power to love me without saying anything, they shine their own light. I can never lie to them and they have the most beautiful sunset inside them. Your eyes save me. And your smile, God, your smile illuminates not only my days, but my whole life. Your smile is the most amazing thing in the world and it gives me immense happiness. 

You have given me the most beautiful moments of my adolescence that I will always carry in my heart and I want to continue to build and form others together, always new, always beautiful, with you. I want you in my life forever, because I love you.

And I promise to lose. 

I promise to falter, to fall, to be incapable of winning. I won't always be able to overcome, I won't always be able to go further. I won't always be able to get as far as you ask, to give you exactly what you deserve to have. Or desperately want to give you. I won't always be able to smile.

I promise to lose. 

I also promise to keep myself alive after every defeat, to endure the unbearable weight of every impossibility. There will be times when I will unintentionally hurt you, times when I will unintentionally touch wounds. But I will never give up just because I have lost, I will not stop just because it is easier, I will not give in just because building is painful.

I promise to lose.

Because only those who love run the risk of losing; others only run the risk of being lost.

I promise to lose.

Because only those who have never loved have never lost - she kept flipping through their photo album until the last page. Gigi spoke with the heart. She didn't use her head, she used her heart. She let out her feelings as she felt them to make sure Crystal felt them, too, right down to the last page. She had put her head on her shoulder, when Gigi turned around, Crystal wasn't looking at the pictures glued on the pages. The girl had her eyes on her, studying her tear-stained face, full of love. 

As soon as their eyes met, a spontaneous smile appeared on Gigi's face. It was like the stamp that closes a letter, like the signature on the bottom of a love poem. 

Even on Crystal's face appeared one, sincere and trembling. This time the tears flowing were no longer heavy and full of pain, but light and moved by emotion. She had returned home, had followed the thread of Gigi's words, as if they were Arianna's thread in the Greek myth, until she reached her, coming out of the labyrinth that had become her brain.

_ "In the darkness Theseus looked for the ball of thread that had fallen to him. He found it and, rolling it up as he went along the reverse path, he made his way through the dark and windy corridors of the Labyrinth, until he reached the door where Arianna was waiting for him". (Il filo di Arianna - Arianna's thread) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a lot to write this chapter, I'm sorry it came late but I still hope you liked it!


	13. Thirteen

**Five mistakes that must be made in a relationship**

**Being weak** : feel fearless. Feeling is the best mistake we can make. The most delicious. Feeling is the best way to live. Be fragile because it's human to be fragile. Don't want to be the strongest in the neighborhood, the strongest in the street. Don't want to be a hero. Just be yourself. Be wacky the right, crazy the right, be unconscious the right: follow the feelings, follow the emotions. Don't try to escape, don't try to run away; solve what you feel inside you.

Don't be framed. 

**Be incoherent** : love is not always coherent - and thank goodness. Don't obsess. Relax. Fuck consistency. Creativity is more important, much more important. Be creative. Every day. Stupidly. Be able to find new paths at any time: write a love letter, prepare an eccentric dinner, invent new ways to do the old things. Eradicate the monotony.

Don't be framed.

**Being moody** : don't avoid risk, don't avoid utopia. At least try the impossible, the intangible. Try your luck: search for it, dig for it, work for it, do everything for it. Dream big and make others dream big with you. Dreamless love is not love. Life without love is no life.

Don't be framed.

**Discuss** : discussing is fighting for your feelings, fighting for what you want, fighting for what seems best to you. In the name of love. Only in the name of love. Never in the name of you. Never in the name of naive selfishness. Never for pride. Never for stubbornness. Never because you don't want to lose. Never for being better than others. Never because you want credit. Never because you want them to feel indebted to you. Never because you want to be right. Never because you want to know everything. Never because you want to be right. Never. And always. Always to love and be loved. Discuss with the one you love if necessary - but always with cement and mortar and bricks in hand: always to build. To love is to build. Love rests on the ability to discuss without destroying. Sometimes it is difficult, terribly difficult. But love without discussion is not wrong love; it is simply not love.

Don't be framed.

**Cry** : all loves have their difficult moments, all loves have moments when it seems like the whole building is about to collapse ruinously. In these moments you have to cry: you absolutely have to cry. To open the valve: to let the pain bleed. To let time pass, to relieve the pressure, to calm what hurts. Let it calm you down, no hurry, just so you can go back to building. Cry when you must cry; let your love cry when you must cry. 

Don't be framed.

Crystal and Gigi had done them all. They made all these mistakes, in every possible way. 

They were still sitting on the bed, Gigi's words had gotten into Crystal's heart. Their love was really stronger than anything else, but Crystal, although she believed her, decided to take matters into her own hands very carefully. 

\- I want to forgive you, but I want to do it calmly... I want to make sure it's not just words - she looked into her eyes, laid her hand on her leg. 

\- I'm going to prove to you that I really want to rebuild us, I'm going to prove to you that everything I said is true - Gigi nodded confident. She would never again allow anything or anyone to ruin everything, not even herself. She fully understood the decision to go slowly and even in her opinion it was the right thing. They both had to learn to get to know each other again and to love each other even better than before. Crystal needed to regain her trust and Gigi would sweat to earn it. It was right. Time to time. 

Crystal gave her a half smile and then slowly pulled her until their foreheads met. She wasn't ready for a kiss, she wasn't ready for more physical contact. 

Gigi closed her eyes for a moment, having her so close made her heart beat faster. Crystal looked at her face, she felt hopeful, they could do it. 

\- I want one more thing - Crystal said, drawing the other's attention, she opened her eyes. 

\- Anything you want, Crys - Gigi had that fire in her that made her realize she'd do anything. One hand went to rest on her pale face, Crystal stroked her cheek gently.

\- Don't cry over spilt milk. This must be a new beginning. We won't erase what happened, or forget it, but we have to get through it, together. So stop blaming yourself, and every time you feel you're drowning in your own guilt, come to me, please - another smile was painted on her lips. Gigi thought about how incredibly strong Crystal was. Everyone mistook her sensitivity for weakness, her crying so often, and for everything made her seem as a weak girl, but in reality she was incredibly strong. Gigi had seen her fall again and again, and Crystal had always got up with or without her help, and kept that bright smile on her face. 

\- I will - she nodded again. A black lock fell in front of her face and she didn't have time to move it, that Crystal did it for her. They stayed like that for a while before they broke the peace and went to dinner. 

Slowly they began to speak civilly to each other again. At first, they kept to topics that were purely external to their relationship. They talked about Crystal's father, how work was going, college, how their friends were doing. Then it was inevitable to talk about them. 

Crystal had asked Gigi if they could lay down a few rules, just until she felt up to it. The other one said there was no problem. It wasn't her choice anyway. 

And Crystal started telling her no hugs, no kisses, no sleeping in the same bed and other gestures that required very direct physical contact. 

Gigi instead began to think that it would be impossible for her, but while the other one was talking, she nodded. It was her fault, after all, it wouldn't have happened if she hadn't cheated on her. But that was the way it was. 

That night the house seemed cold and dark. Crystal was in her room, Gigi in the guest room. 

The first one was tossing and turning between the blankets that smelled like Gigi. The night was endless, she felt like she was in an ordinary bed - it was always an ordinary bed when it wasn't a bed she and Gigi were in. 

_ \- Then good night - and then a smile. _

_ \- Yes, good night - and then silence. Neither of them moved and neither of them spoke. Both disappeared behind the doors of the two rooms. _

"Please stay with me" was what Gigi would have wanted to say, just as she would have wanted to hug her all over, the biggest hug of their lives, just as she would have wanted her in her night, a bed, and to be able to explain everything under the sheets, just as she would have wanted to wake up the next day, make her breakfast and take it to bed. She would have wanted to travel the whole world to embrace her to the bottom of her bones. To feel Crystal's body fit perfectly into hers, her clamshell wet lips. And the pleasure. The damn pleasure. The orgasm that nobody can handle. _ I love you in an unbearable way: isn't that how you love all love? _

But courage. Courage sometimes fades away. We want to do, say, succeed, but we stay in the middle. Many times we miss it when just one more step will give us the certainty that the illusion that keeps us alive can be true.  _ I love you as if I were afraid to love: isn't that how you love all love? _

But it lacks courage. It's too great to be tolerated. Crystal was too great for Gigi to tolerate. And addiction. The sad, stupidly happy addiction. The certainty that nothing could replace her.

The door opened slowly. Gigi hid her face in the blankets, with her back to it. Courage, again, lacked. 

\- Are you awake? - the voice resounded faint and soft in the room. She swung over the door, hesitating whether to go back to where she came from or slip under the covers. One step forward, one step back, like the pendulum of a clock.

The raven-haired girl sat down, meeting the other one's face. She was glad it was Crystal and not some weird killer. 

\- Can I sleep with you? - she whispered again. She didn't have time to finish the sentence that Gigi lifted the covers to invite her to lie down next to her. She rushed into it, like she was afraid to change her mind. Crystal squeezed herself close to Gigi, who rested the duvet on them. The latter was pleasantly struck by the closeness of the other, who had imposed a certain distance on her hours before. Crystal was there, with her face on her chest and a hand laid right on her heart. Gigi wrapped her arms around her body, determined never to let her go again. 

Before sneaking into Gigi's room, Crystal had begun to argue with herself. The other girl was everywhere, and without having her beside her, without having her in her arms or being held by them, she could not sleep. Maybe her rules were stupid, maybe it would just push her further away like that. And at the same time, if she had given up in two or three hours, Gigi would have won. Was it really about winning or losing? Or was it just that unconscious desire to punish her a little longer for what she'd done?

She had once read "May there never be someone who loves only those who are not wrong. That there are always sensual caresses to give and receive. That you never stop stealing a kiss if you have to. Let the couch be used for love and not just for lounging. That even the walls serve to unite. Let a room be sweetness but also sweat. Let no one forget to say what they feel and feel what they say. And that two is much more than the sum of one plus one." 

At that moment Crystal found herself thinking about what those words meant to her and why they had started buzzing around in her head. She dug into herself, realized that love was to be certain but also to err. Passion and patience. At the beginning of it all, it was tears that joined them to the bone. They had always celebrated in two, yes, but even more they had suffered in two. 

Crystal thought that those who love do not forgive, continue to love and love was also to forgive. In her head it made sense, and yet she was still there, alone, in that bed too big for her. If she told her that she wanted to forgive her, why had she started to put up stakes that would prevent Gigi from continuing to love her and herself from loving Gigi? Was keeping her at arm's length really the right way? 

She only found the answer when she found herself in Gigi's warm and sweet hold: that was the right way, in her arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always late, but I think you're used to it by now. I really hope you enjoyed it <3


	14. Fourteen

The next morning they woke up next to each other. For Gigi it was almost a surprise, the last time Crystal had run away from the bed repentant, instead she was still there. 

\- Goode morning - Gigi smiled at her, caressing her cheek.

\- Good morning - Crystal withdrew a little bit. Seeing her do that, made Gigi frown.

\- What is it? - the curly haired girl asked her, looking at her reaction.

\- Well, you let me hug you and caress you all night, and now you're moving away...- she answered, putting one arm under her face to keep her on her side. Crystal stayed a few seconds watching her. The dark hair that surrounded her face, the rosy lips and blue eyes that were speaking to her clearly.

\- Okay, you passed the test - a smart smile was painted on Crystal's face . 

\- What? - Gigi looked at her confused, but amused. 

\- I wanted to see if you'd tell me a lie or the truth - she pinched her arm with a smile on her lips again. Gigi shook her head. A moment of silence followed, as if they both wanted to say something, but neither of them had the courage.

\- I broke all my stupid rules - Crystal came out first. She was lying on her back, with her eyes on the ceiling.

\- And you regret it? - Gigi was still facing her, on her side. She was trying to study her face.

\- No, mine was a thoughtful choice - she answered quietly. Inside herself it almost was, but something didn't seem right.

\- Come on, explain - the dark-haired girl sat down and then pulled up Crystal too, so she could look into her eyes. 

\- Well, I thought I was just going to stop us both from loving each other again, from building something. And then we were always better at expressing ourselves with physical contact than with words - she crossed her legs. She used to let her thoughts flow out loud when she was with Gigi, she never judged her.

\- But? I know there's a but - she could tell from her tone of voice that her consciousness didn't stop there.

\- But at the same time I'm afraid I'm running. I wouldn't want you to take advantage of me, of the situation - Crystal spoke plainly. It wouldn't make sense to go around it or lie about it. 

In the end, it was more than understandable. She knew by now that Gigi had every good intention, that she still loved her and wanted to make a real commitment, but she couldn't regain her trust in her after exactly two seconds. She had betrayed her anyway, she had lied to her for weeks and the fear that she would do so again, even if low, was there. 

\- Okay, I have an idea, a middle ground. I tell you and then you decide whether you like it or not - Gigi proposed. 

\- All right - Crystal nodded, letting her know she was listening.

\- Let's limit ourselves to sleeping together and hugging, the rest will come with time - she shrugged her shoulders as if it were the most obvious solution in the world. And it was. 

\- It doesn’t sound bad... - Crystal started to think about it a little bit. 

\- And in any case I make you uncomfortable or seem inappropriate, you tell me - Gigi smiled at her, the other one in front of her looked her in the eye. 

\- In this way we go slowly, but without pulling away from each other - the curly-haired girl said out loud what she was thinking. It seemed a fairly reasonable compromise. 

Their Saturday morning continued quietly. That afternoon Crystal left the house to go to work, Gigi had to study instead. 

As she wandered around the empty house for a while, she thought she had never spoken to Nicky again, she had just disappeared. She wondered if we should call her. The last time she saw her was in that bathroom at Jaida's party two days before. 

_ \- I didn't ask you to fight - Gigi began to take the same attitude as the other two, losing control of the situation. Soon they both started shouting and blaming each other. _

_ \- And no one asked you to go around hurting people! - Nicky had told her.  _

_ \- What the fuck are you talking about now? - Gigi asked her ironically.  _

_ \- None of this would have happened if you hadn't started this big bullshit - the French girl, thanks to the booze, was able to talk back to her. _

_ \- It was a fucking joke, you're the one who crossed the line, Nicky - she defended herself immediately. _

_ \- It makes me laugh that you talk like it's all my fault. You didn't seem to evade my attentions - Nicky didn't seem to want to give it up easily. She wasn't going to win. _

_ \- I'd stopped talking to you. Wasn't that enough? - Gigi was starting to get cornered. She could feel she was in over her head. _

_ \- Girl, when I forced you to talk to me, you let me take you to my house... Come on, don't be a saint - the other one was turned off with a sentence. One sentence was enough to make her fall.  _

_ \- Fuck Nicky, really - it was the only thing she could think of. When you argue, often you only get to insult each other when there are no more valid arguments. And Gigi didn't have any. _

Gigi remembered the scene almost perfectly. Nicky had managed to beat her even when she was drunk. Maybe she had to talk to her. She deserved to know what was going on. She then wondered if Crystal hadn't talked to her either. 

Before she could get an answer, the doorbell rang and she got up to open the door. Jackie was standing in front of her, and just behind her was Nicky. She almost laughed at the coincidence. Both of them didn't look so good. Gigi didn't waste any time and let them in the house.

After several pleasantries and a cup of coffee, things got more serious. Gigi continued to have a bad feeling. 

\- So... How come this visit? - Gigi asked, exhausted from waiting.

\- Well, I haven't heard from Crystal since the party and Nicky since the next morning... You know how she is? - Jackie spoke for both of them, as if the French girl had lost her voice.

\- She's at work, but... Has she been to see you? - she turned to Nicky, who cleared her throat before she spoke.

\- Yeah, she came to talk to me, but then she ran out for a call - she explained, her tone was really sour. 

\- Oh, okay. Anyway, her father ended up in hospital, then other things happened, so that's why she disappeared - Gigi started playing with her own hands. A heavy silence fell over all three girls. It's not that they didn't have anything to say, in fact there were so many things they wanted to talk about that they didn't know how. Fortunately, Jackie was there.

\- Look, Gigi, we came here for you too. I came with Nicky so you could talk, I'll stay to make sure you don't kill each other or Crystal will come and see you alone and kill you - the Persian girl was really sitting between the two of them. Gigi and Nicky looked at each other. The French girl had sad eyes, Gigi could see what she had done to her too.She made a gesture to invite her to speak first.

\- You're a bitch - Nicky's words exploded into the room. Now Gigi understood why Jackie had painted the thing so tragically. Her stomach tightened. - Did you hear me? I said you're a fucking bitch. But you probably don't care, do you? Just like you didn't care about me until now - her gaze, if she could, would have incinerated her. 

Gigi swallowed, she didn't know what to say to her. All she felt was a huge weight in her, she just stood there, looking at her, studying her angry face for everything that had happened. 

\- Speak, for fuck's sake! - Nicky slammed her hands on the table. That silence annoyed her even more because it meant she was right, that Gigi didn't care at all. Jackie put her hand on her shoulder to keep her quiet.

\- I care - the other one just said, looking down. But the same anger was beginning to take hold of her. Everybody thought that she was a careless girl, and it was starting to be no longer good for her.

\- How much do you like lying, Gigi? To Crystal, to your friends, to me, and maybe even to yourself - Nicky began to beat the crap out of her with words. She promised Jackie she wouldn't make a scene and be calm, but she just couldn't. She'd been treated like a doormat, a doll, she couldn't stay calm.

\- I'm not lying, stop it Nicky - Gigi, on the contrary, tried to keep the situation within limits, under control. 

\- No, I won't stop. Do you have any idea how I feel? Gigi, I was a stupid toy to you! - the French girl got up from the chair, her voice was much louder. She looked at Gigi, who finally seemed to respond to her provocations.

\- I won't allow you to say such a thing. Nicky, it wasn't like that at all. You weren't a toy and you're not. We fucked up, together, so don't get out of the way and don't play the victim - she sat on the tip of her chair, ready to shoot up too. 

\- I think I have every right to play the victim. You knew I was in love with you - her words fell like a bomb. It was clear to everyone that Nicky had feelings for Gigi, but they'd never spoken about them. It was always kind of a secret.

\- Yeah, I knew that, but I'm not the one who got my hands in your pants, am I? - Gigi shook her head when she asked her that rhetorical question. 

\- I was drunk - Nicky defended herself quickly, not knowing what else to say to her. Score one for Gigi.

\- And that justifies you? You have to accept that you were as wrong as I was - the other one stood up slowly, walking towards her. 

\- You should have pushed me away - she answered, taking one step back. Now it was getting difficult. Gigi had always been better at arguing than Nicky. 

\- And you should have too - Gigi raised her shoulders and crossed her arms. She had to make the other one admit that she had exactly the same faults, stubborn as she was, she could do it. 

\- I wasn't the one with a girlfriend - Nicky scored a point. It was a tie, one point each. 

\- But you were my best friend, you were supposed to help me, to stop me from screwing up - Gigi had started gesturing.

\- I stopped being your best friend when I fell in love with you - she almost cried. The anger, the disappointment, the sadness. It became hard for Nicky not to show her emotions.

\- If you had told me, I would have stood by you, we would have gotten through it together - the other one's tone became sweeter and more understanding. 

\- You knew that. You piss me off because you knew it, you noticed it, and yet you didn't confront me about it - Nicky pointed a finger at her while she was talking with tears in her eyes.

\- What was I supposed to do? Force you to talk about something you clearly didn't want to talk about? - Gigi raised her arms and let them fall down her body, incredulous.

\- That doesn't mean that if you had asked me questions, I wouldn't have given you answers - she lowered her head and squeezed herself in her shoulders. It was true that she didn't want to talk to her about how she felt, but by then things had gone the way they had gone.

\- And what was I supposed to ask you? "Hey, Nicky, are you in love with me?". Who the hell would do that? That's really fucked up, only an asshole would do that - the girl with black hair stopped and looked at her for a second. Nicky had always been her best friend, what was going on?

\- But you're an asshole, you could have - she looked up to meet her eyes. A tear finally ran down her face. Now Gigi was not only a bitch, but also an asshole. And despite that, Nicky still fell in love with her.

-Of course, I'm always the asshole of the situation - she shook her head again. She had a little hysterical giggle. People around her kept telling her those things, yet Gigi had a heart, she wasn't who the others thought she was. 

-You got it - Nicky moved her blond hair behind her ears. She was tired, tired of fighting. 

\- So you came here just for that? To get me to admit that I'm a shitty person? - Gigi felt she couldn't keep fighting. 

\- I came to make up, but apparently we're no longer able to communicate without insulting each other - the French girl's face was starting to get all teary. Gigi thought she had caused nothing but pain and not just her. 

\- Yeah... So I suppose you're telling me we're not friends anymore, are you? - her breathing got heavy. Nicky was her best friend. Was she really ending their friendship like that? 

\- Yes - the girl said it almost unsure. Gigi was one of the few people who was always by her side, and she made the mistake of falling in love with her. After all that had happened, she couldn't stay friends with her, it would only have been pure masochism, and Nicky loved herself. 

Gigi said nothing. She just looked at her with tears in her eyes. It was all her fault. A stupid joke had turned into a tragedy that was making her lose everyone she loved. First Crystal, then Nicky, who was next?

\- Maybe things will go back to the way they were before...- Nicky started, trying to repair the damage. She knew Gigi was right. She was playing the victim so she could make it easier to break their friendship. The French girl had put quite a bit of hers into it, twice. The first time in a nightclub bathroom and the second time in her house. But she couldn't admit it, she couldn't apologize, Gigi and Crystal would have been better off if she had walked away from them. 

\- If you're done, you can leave - Gigi wouldn't let her finish the sentence. She just walked to the door, inviting Nicky and Jackie, who had stayed between them the whole time making sure they didn't start pushing, to go out. 

\- Gigi - Jackie interfered for a second, trying to use her intelligence to let her clarify for a moment. 

\- Please go away - she turned the handle, her voice cracked. In her head she was repeating herself that she was a bad person. Responsibility was suffocating her, compressing her. The more you grow, the less you can fall. There are fewer margins for falling. She felt like a child with too much responsibility. With too many obligations. A child is made to fall, an adult to get up. To get up every day. 

You miss an opportunity and you have to get up. You lose a friend and you have to get up. You lose everything and you have to get up.

Nicky reluctantly followed her request, pulling Jackie away with her. As soon as she got out, she bumped into Crystal. 

Crystal's gaze was confused, the French girl's gaze was frightened. In short, neither of them expected to see the other. 

Jackie and Nicky slipped out of the house anyway, saying goodbye quickly. 

Gigi waited for Crystal to enter the house before slamming the door. She couldn't stop herself and started crying. A few hours earlier things seemed to be going well, she had hoped for a good recovery where no one would be hurt again, but apparently she had only deluded herself. 

There are times when you lack strength, there are times when everyone lacks strength; because there is defeat, there are tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops...I hope you enjoyed it!! Love you xx


	15. Fifteen

Crystal gasped as soon as the door was slammed by Gigi. She put her things on the floor and approached to the other one. 

\- What were they doing here? - she asked her nicely. Crystal didn’t want to sound too invasive. Nicky had to be the last person to find herself in a room with Gigi. She was jealous. 

\- Nicky wanted to clear the air with me - Gigi replied, between the sobs. She made an effort to talk, she thought that if she didn't answer, Crystal would get mad at her too and leave. 

\- It didn't go well, am I right? - Crystal kept a little to herself, she hadn't even hugged her yet. She just looked at her, sorry. 

\- No, and you must be happy - the dark-haired girl made those words come out of her lips without thinking. It seemed from her tone that she was blaming Crystal, but she was just angry with herself.

\- Why should I be? - the other one asked her right away. Crystal had a tender heart, she could never take pleasure in other people's pain, even if that person had hurt her. Being there with Gigi proved it, telling Nicky she'd forgive her proved it.

\- Because it means she won't be a danger to you - Gigi continued that idiotic speech. In her mind of course it made a lot of sense, but to Crystal it certainly didn’t.

\- Gigi, I could never be happy about something like that. Even after what happened, I'm not that kind of person - Crystal explained. A danger? It didn't make any sense. She was jealous, yes, but Nicky wasn't a danger to anybody. She had already talked to her, and their talk had led them on the path of clarification that time would then turn to forgiveness, she would never want her evil. And again, seeing Gigi like that made her heart grow fonder.

\- I'm sorry...I know, I can't think - she admitted, carrying her hands in her dark hair. It had all become too unbearable. She lacked air. Nobody wanted her around, nobody loved her anymore, it was a nightmare. Her sobs became more frequent and her breath was definitely too short. 

\- Without me you would all be better off - she continued, a stabbing pain hit her chest and her head was hurting like hell. 

Crystal knew immediately what was happening to her, and it was not difficult for her to intervene to prevent Gigi from having a panic attack. 

She made her look her in the eye and slowly took her into the garden, where a little more sunshine still lit up the house. It helped her to breathe slowly and also thanks to the fresh air, Crystal was able to avoid those endless minutes of fear. It was strange, it hadn't happened for a long time. Gigi must have been really shaken up and completely immersed in her thoughts.

She looked at her. Her face was pale and looked even more pale because of the black hair that fell on her shoulders. Her gaze was lost in the landscape in front of them. They loved to sit on that bench, especially in summer, watching the sunset or the stars. 

Crystal was holding her, it was such a natural gesture that she didn't even notice she was holding her tight enough to reassure her. Gigi was blissful in her arms, the tranquility slowly took hold of her. She could never explain how both of them were capable to instill that inner peace into each other.

\- How do you feel? - the girl began to caress her cheek gently. 

\- Better - she answered her quietly, enjoying all those feelings. The caresses, the warmth of her body in contrast to the light afternoon breeze, the chirping of a few swallows. She could almost hear sound of the waves of the sea clashing on the seashore.

Crystal left a kiss on top of her head, then another on her lips, surprising Gigi, who smiled inevitably. She kissed her properly. She kissed her with her tongue, she kissed her with her whole body, she kissed her with all of herself, she kissed her as if her only limit was what she felt. 

Gigi couldn't help thinking that she would never forget how her lips had taught her how to live.

Everything had become quiet. There was no more drama, tears, screams, nothing. Only love and calm. 

To break that delicate silence, a deafening whistle and then Gigi heard strong electric shocks, one just below the shoulder and another just below the armpit, crossing her body. Many voices rose up around them, and the pain in her chest was there again. A thousand more twinges continued to be added throughout her body, some stronger than others. The whistle and the electric shocks alternated more frequently. 

Gigi looked at Crystal scared, what was happening to her?

_ \- That's good! It's almost 60 to 90-100 beats per minute! -. _ She could hear those words clearly, but they weren't coming out of Crystal's lips, that was a man's voice. As she was asking questions to herself, a stronger shock hit Gigi and then complete darkness. 

  
  


The unthinkable had happened. Crystal continued to tremble, incredulous, as the scenes were repeated in her head as if they were from a movie.

_ \- I'm sorry... I know, I can't think - she admitted, carrying her hands in her dark hair. Everything had become too unbearable. She lacked air. Nobody wanted her around, nobody loved her anymore, it was a nightmare. Her sobs became more frequent and her breath was definitely too short. She needed air, desperately.  _

She went out like a flash, slipping out of Crystal's grip like an eel. 

Gigi and her damn long legs made Crystal run for two blocks. She screamed for her to stop, people passing by looked at them like they were crazy. But neither of them cared. All Gigi thought about was running away, Crystal running after her. 

Then there was a louder scream. She called her name out loud. 

Two guys on a motorcycle were going ridiculously fast and way out of speed limits. They were laughing, the one driving was playing with the throttle. But the fun stopped when they noticed Gigi crossing the road without looking, in a hurry. The girl hadn't noticed the danger and hadn't stopped. 

_ "You'd all be better off without me" _ was the last thought she had before she was taken in full, in front of Crystal's eyes. 

The boys on the motorcycle were shocked. 

Gigi had fallen to the ground like a leaf in the wind. Crystal had flown over her. She started calling for help with all the breath she had in her lungs. Someone called for an ambulance. 

She couldn't take her eyes off Gigi, her Gigi. She took her hand almost expecting her to squeeze it back, but she didn't. Crystal was terrified, desperate. Now she was in danger of losing her. The more she looked at her, the more she realized she hadn't told her enough times that she loved her. The more she realized Gigi was her whole world, that she could never go on without her.

\- You have no right. Don't think you have the right. You have no fucking right to walk into my life like that, sweep everything under the rug, occupy my life with yours. And then leave without a good-bye, without a "I loved loving you", without a "It was very nice being with you" - Crystal was heartbroken. She said those things to her like it was a prayer, with tears falling on the cold asphalt. 

The sound of the ambulance siren made room in the road and Gigi was ripped away from Crystal. She was prevented from getting into the vehicle with her, she was prevented from standing beside her. 

The boys on the motorcycle were in the other rescue vehicle. They, due to the late steering of the driver, had come out with scratches. Crystal was mad as hell. They were just idiots, irresponsible, reckless, and... And one of them offered to give her a ride to the hospital. The boy was pale and scared, and Crystal's silence almost made him run away crying. The angry, hurt, emotional look on the girl's face was too heavy to bear. 

It would have been madness to get on that motorcycle that had just put her girlfriend, the most important person in her life, the one she loved with all her heart, in great danger. She picked up every bit of education in herself and said no. There was the other ambulance and she would have got on it even clandestinely or under threats to get to Gigi. 

Now Crystal was there. In that hallway, with those images in her head... Terrible, painful. She carried her legs to her chest, still sitting in that cold chair, trying not to drown in her tears. She thought she must look ridiculous. Every once in a while a nurse would come by and ask her if she was all right, if something had happened to her, if she needed help. She'd ask about Gigi. They promised to come back if they had any information. None of them did. 

She didn't know where they took Gigi, if she was okay, if she wasn't. She was tachycardic, she felt her heart come out of her chest like a cartoon. The tears couldn't stop coming down. It was like a waterfall. She forced herself not to think about sad things, to be positive. She told herself and forced herself to think that Gigi was fine, that she would soon return with her smile to brighten her life. 

Positivity. 

Positivity.

Positivity. 

But how could she be positive? How could she stop feeling the fear running through her blood and her breath missing? She couldn't and the memories began to form an endless chain. 

How they had met, their first kiss, their first time, their first birthdays together, their first Christmas together, New York, their first fight, their first summer vacation. And Gigi. Gigi had always fought for her. Every second, every minute, every day, month, year. 

What hurt the most wasn't the fear of death. It was the absence of her body, the knowledge that there would never be her warm skin on hers again.

It was the silence that hurt. Talking and not hearing her answer. What hurt most was not having Gigi's voice to mix with her own. She had got used to her, her tone, her taste. She could hear it in her head even if Gigi wasn't there.

Her voice was with her listening and thinking. She loved her so much that she started thinking with her voice. 

It was that silence that hurt. That bastard silence. A permanent suffocation. Love is needing another voice in order to listen to ourselves.

_ Shut the door _

_ Turn the light off _

_ If I wanna be with you _

_ I wanna feel your love _

_ I wanna lay beside you _

_ I cannot hide this _

_ Even though I try _

_ Heartbeats harder _

_ Time escapes me _

_ Trembling hands touch skin _

_ It makes this harder _

_ And the tears stream down my face _

_ If we could only have this life for one more day _

_ If we could only turn back time _

_ You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be _

_ My love, my heart is breathing for this _

_ Moment, in time _

_ I'll find the words to say _

_ Before you leave me today _

_ Close the door _

_ Throw the key _

_ Don't wanna be reminded _

_ Don't wanna be seen _

_ Don't wanna be without you _

_ My judgement's clouded _

_ Like tonight's sky _

_ Hands are silent _

_ Voice's numb _

_ Try to scream out, my lungs _

_ It makes this harder _

_ And the tears stream down my face _

_ If we could only have this life for one more day _

_ If we could only turn back time _

_ You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be _

_ My love, my heart is breathing for this _

_ Moment, in time _

_ I'll find the words to say _

_ Before you leave me today _

_ Flashing lights in my mind _

_ Going back to the time _

_ Playing games in the street _

_ Kicking balls at my feet _

_ There's a numb in my toes _

_ Standing close to the edge _

_ There's a pile of my clothes _

_ At the end of your bed _

_ As I feel myself fall _

_ Make a joke of it all _

_ You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be _

_ My love, my heart is breathing for this _

_ Moment, in time _

_ I'll find the words to say _

_ Before you leave me today _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I really hope you're liking the story so far, I love you all, thank you so so much for your support!   
> Feel free to let me know what u think xx


	16. Sixteen

Gloria had gone to Crystal in a hurry. A nurse they knew well had gone to her and her husband in the hospital room, warning her that her daughter was crying in the emergency room corridor. Crystal begged her not to say anything to her mother, that she would take care of it later, but the woman couldn't resist. 

Gloria had followed her friend to the girl. It was inevitable for Crystal to mentally insult that nurse. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to wait for Gigi  **alone** . 

\- Crystal, nena! - she ran to her. One of her hugs tried to wrap her, but Crystal gently pushed her away. She had just stopped crying. After at least an hour, starting over wasn't her plan.

\- Mom, go back upstairs - she told her clearing her voice. The woman didn't care about it, so she began to search for her eyes. Crystal turned her face several times to avoid meeting her mother's honey-coloured eyes. From the outside it might have sound crazy, but every time Gloria noticed something was wrong, she always had to look her in the eye. That was her way of getting right in her heart, forcing the girl to talk. Besides Gloria, only Gigi had the power to do it and she was unbeatable: even a fleeting glance was enough.

Everything led back to her and it was an unbearable pain.

\- Elizabeth Methyd, quiero que me mires a los ojos y me digas qué está pasando - Gloria had managed to grab her chin, managing to be face to face with Crystal, who had closed her eyes. 

"Elizabeth Methyd, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me what's going on."

She had gone by her middle name and even Spanish, which meant she wouldn't move even by mistake until her daughter had uttered even one word. 

But it hurt too much, she felt she had an open wound that kept bleeding out. 

\- I can't - she fought back, still with her eyes closed. She didn't know whether she was more afraid of the Spanish woman or of opening her eyes and not finding Gigi next to her.

\- Por favor... - Gloria started to give in. "Please." In 20 years, she'd never seen Crystal so sick. She had never been a girl able to keep her feelings inside too long, she was emotional and sensitive, but most of all she was never afraid to ask for help. But at that moment her daughter was preferring to bottle up every feeling she could get. 

If she could see what was happening inside her, she would be afraid to see how much silence could hurt. 

\- Go back to dad - she told her. Her stubbornness came into play. And then Gloria knew she had to quit. No was no. She let go of her face, Crystal finally opened her eyes again, pointing them at her white, stained shoes. She studied every color spot that she probably dropped while painting. Blue, green, orange, a little pink, a mixture of different yellows. 

Before Gloria could say anything before she left, a hand was placed on Crystal's shoulder. She turned to see who it was. 

She recognized the strange mustache of the man she had asked second about Gigi. Yes, she was counting and memorizing particular characteristics of each person she asked about her. She felt crazy. 

\- It was you who asked me of... - he stopped to look at a Post-it note in his pocket - Excuse me, here it is: Gigi Goode - he finally said. Crystal remembered writing her name for him to remember. Someone had really listened to her then. 

Her heart trembled in her chest at last.

\- Yes, you are the only one who came back - her words were full of thanks. If he had come back, things had to be okay. Gigi was fine. A little smile formed on her lips.

\- I believe it, most of them are busy in that operating room with your friend. You might have asked to colleagues who were on their way there... I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a long time - the guy in the green uniform looked at her sorry. He put his hand on her shoulder and then ran away, called by a superior. 

Crystal hadn't had time to ask her all the questions that had accumulated in a millisecond in her brain. The smile from earlier disappeared from her lips. Her eyes became watery again. She repeated to herself not to cry.

\- Gigi? Operating room? Crystal, you really must explain now - Gloria looked her in the eye with a certain fear. She was beginning to understand why she was so sick. 

\- I heard what he said, I didn't need to repeat it - she passed her hands through her curls, picking them up in a bun. The agitation was making her feel hot, very hot. She had started to sweat cold. She began to think that not knowing at all was better than those shredded pieces. 

\- Did you call her parents? If something serious happened, they need to know! - the woman had started grumbling quickly. Crystal could hear her head explode. That's why she wanted to be alone. 

\- Mom! - she finally bursted. The murmur of her voice stopped as soon as Crystal raised her voice, yelling at her.

\- Don't raise your voice with me - she scolded her. Crystal just didn't think she had time to get into a fight with her mom. She would have liked to close her eyes, open them again and have no one around. She was torturing herself enough already.

\- Gigi was run over by two fucking thugs on a motorcycle in front of my eyes, if you don't mind, I'd really like to be alone waiting for her - it took all the patience in the world for her not to scream. She was still her mother, no matter how irritating.

\- Run over? Dios mio! We have to call Mark and Jane - Gloria started talking like a machine again, mixing English and Spanish. She pulled out her cell phone, panic got the better of her. 

Crystal just got even more nervous. She was sick, already panicked on her own, feeling torn from the inside out. She didn't need that kind of energy.

\- Mom. Don't you think they've already thought about telling her parents? Mark and Jane are on the other side of the world right now. They won't be back for another week, so please be quiet. Really, please - Crystal's tone was desperate. Gigi had only ever had Crystal.

Her parents had left just before her birthday for work in Sweden and had taken the opportunity to introduce Ethan to her maternal grandparents. They hadn't been to that place in years. Gigi, although Crystal had told her to go there several times, refused. She wanted to spend her birthday with her, she wanted to stay home with her. 

Crystal thought if she listened to her for one goddamn time, nothing would have happened.

\- Why are you being mean to me? I'm just worried, you know I love Gigi - Gloria kept her hands on her hips. Crystal thought about how her father made comments about how adorable she was when she did that. She was finding her anything but adorable, and she knew it was her emotional state in crisis enough. 

\- I know you love her, but you don't understand that I'm feeling really, really shitty right now and... I just want to sit here quietly and wait for someone to come back and call me and tell me that she's okay, that she can come home with me - Crystal looked up to the sky, trying not to scare away the tears, but it was inevitable. 

She wondered what the hell was going on. She imagined her under those white lights, with so many doctors around her trying to save her life. If they had succeeded, two lives would have been saved. Gigi's, and hers.

\- Ven aquí - Gloria hugged her tightly. Crystal began to melt into a silent cry. It was different than usual. She'd never cried like that before. In silence, in apnea, with so much pain that she couldn't utter a single verse. And it was terrible. 

Gloria stroked her back, the back of her neck, rocking her to calm her down. It almost made her cry, too. She was her daughter, Crystal's pains were hers, too, and Gigi meant a lot to her. Since she had entered the girl's life in her arms, she had brought nothing but joy, for better or worse. Gloria and Stephen had treated her like a daughter and often talked about how she and her relationship with Crystal had opened their eyes and helped them to fully accept their daughter's sexuality. It was amazing how things had changed in their lives. Gigi put a smile on Crystal's face and you know that all parents want to see their children happy. 

Crystal counted every second of the time that passed before the male nurse with the weird mustache came back. 

3 hours and 47 minutes. 

3 hours and 47 minutes of waiting.

3 hours and 47 minutes of hope.

3 hours and 47 minutes of pain.

3 hours and 47 minutes without her.

3 hours and 47 minutes without her Gigi.

\- Hi... Can you follow me, please? - he gave her a serious look. He was different from before. The serious look, tired and worried, the green coat had some bloodstains and a hairnet on his head. 

\- What's going on? - Crystal couldn't take her eyes off the dark spots on the edge of his shirt. 

\- Your friend's surgeon wants to talk to you - he answered her. Crystal stayed to look at him for a few seconds. 

\- Tell me what's going on and I'll gladly follow you - she spoke in a broken voice. Heavy and difficult thoughts started popping into her head. She wanted immediate answers so that she could drive them away, so that she could feel calm again. 

\- Crystal, just follow him - her mother encouraged her before she could make a scene. The nurse took one look at her and nodded her head to thank her for the help.

-My boss will tell you, please, it's not my job - the man's face was really unmade. He probably helped his colleagues with Gigi too. Crystal gave up and walked down the aisle with him to her destination. The nurse next to her knocked and sat her down in the office.

\- Hello - the doctor told her, showing off a tired smile and inviting her to sit down. He had just changed his uniform, Crystal noticed the dirty, used one on a shelf next to the door. 

\- Hi - she answered almost shyly. She sat and waited.

\- Crystal Methyd, right? ...What is your relationship with patient Goode? - asked her in a professional and serious tone. He put on her glasses to read the cards in front of him.

\- I'm her fiancée, we live together - Crystal brought those words out sure, she wasn't interested in his opinion. He had asked a question, she had given an answer.

\- Great, and do you know anything about the parents? We tried to contact them but got no answer - she nodded again. Crystal was getting impatient, the emptiness in her chest was becoming more and more overwhelming.

\- They’re in Scandinavia at the moment. I'm the only person Gigi has - replied. 

\- Then I'll give her the news - the doctor had spoken those words seriously and almost seemed to Crystal to grasp some pain. Her breath was shortened within a second.

\- What news? - she swallowed, she knew by now what the man was about to say. The signs were clear, but she asked anyway, with a glimmer of hope. The pain grew and broke her from within.

\- We really did everything we could and your girl fought with us for her life. The collision with the vehicle caused the first four upper ribs to rupture, causing cardiopulmonary lacerations - she stopped for a moment. Crystal was holding back tears. She could hear her heart beating fast in her ears, even though she was sure it would stop soon. - Do you need some water? Are you okay? - the doctor looked at her worried. The girl in front of him was pale and looked like she was going to faint.

\- No, no... Thanks, go on - Crystal moved her hair behind her ears.

\- I was saying that luckily after hours we managed to save her. The lacerations were not too deep... We had to do resuscitation maneuvers, she really risked a lot. But she'll be fine from now on. She will recover, for sure - the man finished the speech he had started a few minutes earlier. The air suddenly cleared up. All Crystal could hear was that Gigi was alive. She began to cry, almost happy that she was all right despite her injuries. 

\- May I see her? Tell me yes - she stood up, almost praying to him. 

\- She's probably asleep now, she'll probably wake up tomorrow because of the anesthesia and the operation, but I can let you stay with her - he nodded and walked towards the door. Crystal followed him. 

The moment she had been waiting for hours had arrived. She knew that seeing her in that bed would continue to make her cry, but with sadness. Gigi was alive, yes, but she was hurt. She was beginning to realize what the doctor had told her. And then the heart started racing again.

\- Here we are, room 12 - he opened the door for her and let her in. Before he left he told her that if there were any problems she should call him immediately. The girl nodded, then found herself alone with Gigi. 

She came to the bed. A respirator covered her nose and mouth, and her face was even lighter than usual. Her temple was scraped and bruised, probably from the blow on the asphalt. 

Crystal stroked her hair, that silent cry came back to make room. 

She had risked losing her, she had risked not seeing her smile, not hearing her laughter, not hearing her voice. She almost lost her light, her warmth, her passion... She risked losing the most precious thing in her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey evrybody! New chapter FINALLY... I'm sorry I'm late, but my exams are approaching and I have a lot to study :(  
> Let me know what you think, Love you all xx


	17. Seventeen

_ I open my eyes and I’m lying down in the blue camping tent that Crystal and I had bought just before we went on vacation. It's dark outside, we decided to spend the night at the beach to see the sunrise. Below me, the plastic of the air mattress is hot, but the cool evening breeze doesn't make me feel hot. I look around, trying to figure out where that air is coming from, since we had closed the tent before we went to sleep. Crystal is not lying next to me, she's not holding my hand anymore, the "door" zipper is open. Usually I'm the one who wakes up in the middle of the night and opens the window to get some air when we're at home, and Crystal usually sleeps so deeply that she almost snores. The most beautiful part is always watching her face asleep, her lips open and her long lashes. There must be something she's thinking about to be awake. _

_ I get up and walk out of the tent, and it's not hard to find her. The beach is deserted compared to this morning, the moon is high and illuminates the sea. Crystal's on the shore, her feet in the water. She's looking at the horizon.  _

_ I decide to sneak up on her to surprise her. The sand under my feet is cold, but it allows me to be silent. I slide my hands around her, placing my chin in the hollow of her neck. I feel her jump slightly under my touch, but then she looks at me and smiles.  _

_ \- Hi - she says to me. Her face is worried even though she is trying to hide it.  _

_ \- What are you thinking about? - I ask her curious. I know her well enough to know there's something bothering her, buzzing in her head.  _

_ She shakes her head, she won't tell me. I decide not to force her and just hold her harder, the words will come to her whenever she wants. She puts her hands on mine, caressing them lightly with her thumbs. The weak waves at our feet are warm. Once I looked for the reason why the water is warm at night and the answer is that there is the earth breeze because it is the water that releases the heat: the one accumulated during the day. Although it is almost trivial, I wonder every time I think about it.  _

_ I hear Crystal sighing slightly.  _

_ \- Gigi, I'm sorry - she starts. I look at her confused, what could she possibly be sorry about? I don't even need to air my question that Crystal answers. - I should have been home when Nicky came to talk to you, I could have defended you and kept you from running away... Maybe then I would have saved you - she shrugs your shoulders and looks down.  _

_ I still don't know what she's talking about. We're on vacation and I don’t even know what Nicky has to do with anything.  _

_ \- Crystal, what? - I let out a snort. She doesn't seem to listen to me, like she's alone, yet I can feel her touch on my hands.  _

_ \- I'm sorry even if I said something that hurt you, I didn't mean for that to happen. It's just people talk too much when they want to hurt. It's so simple that I want to repeat it: people talk too much when they want to hurt. But words aren't meant to hurt. Whoever invented words invented them to love... - she stops for a moment. I can hear her sniff, she keeps holding my hands in hers. _

_ \- But then the others come along, the ones who use them again. The problem with things, of all things, Gigi, is never the things themselves; it's the use one makes of them. Even a kiss can kill, even a hug can hurt. The problem with all things is the use people make of them - she says. Before she can continue, another sentence falls from my lips. _

_ \- You always use your words to love me - I answer her. Crystal seems to be on another planet and doesn't hear my sweet words. _

_ \- I used you to free me from what hurt me. And it hurt you. People's imbecility is to turn what hurts them into what hurts others: to use what hurts as a weapon to hurt. How stupid, don't you think? People really talk too much when they want to hurt - her voice breaks. A sob comes out of her lips and I notice she's crying. Yet no tears come out of her brown eyes, a small smile is printed on her lips and she seems to be enjoying my embrace.  _

_ Vague memories are surfacing in my head. Crystal... Crystal is talking about the argument we were having at home after Nicky left? Then why are we on vacation together now? Am I dreaming? _

_ Suddenly I see something: a motorcycle coming towards us, straight from the sea and trying to hit us right in the middle. _

Crystal had never left Gigi alone. She had sat next to her bed in the wooden chair. She was careful that she was always fine, that no strange light on the respirator would turn on and that the noise of the machinery taking her beats was always regular. She was asleep, seemed to feel no pain at all. 

It was strange to be the one awake at 4:30 in the morning, she usually slept like a log, but the anxiety and the mixture of strong emotions did not make her sleep. If she felt she was about to fall asleep, she would start talking to Gigi as if she were listening. 

She told her how she remembered the night on the beach on holiday in Italy to watch the sunrise. She asked her if she remembered the sound of the waves and how they had bathed in the warm sea at night. She described the sunrise as if Gigi hadn't seen it. As she held her hands and caressed them. 

After a moment of silence Crystal began to apologize to Gigi for what had happened, blaming herself. 

\- Gigi, I'm sorry. I should have been home when Nicky came to talk to you. I could have defended you and kept you from running away... Maybe then I could have saved you - she said, with a broken heart. Seeing her like that only reminded her of the moment she saw her fall to the ground. - I'm sorry even if I said something that hurt you, I didn't mean for that to happen. It's just people talk too much when they want to hurt. It's so simple that I want to repeat: people talk too much when they want to hurt. But words aren't meant to hurt. Those who invented words invented them to love - she stopped, she even stopped breathing for a moment. Her words became heavy. 

\- But then the others came, those who use them again. The problem of things, of all things, Gigi, is never the things themselves; it's the use one makes of them. Even a kiss can kill, even a hug can hurt. The problem with all things is the use people make of them. I used you to get rid of what hurt me. And it hurt you. The imbecility of people is to transform what hurts them into what hurts others: to use what hurts as a weapon to hurt. How stupid, don't you think? People really talk too much when they want to hurt - and then she started crying again. She had stopped after she entered the room. It had been at least five hours since then. She laid her forehead on Gigi's hands, which she still held in her own. At one point she felt the other one squeeze back. She thought she had dreamt it, that she wished so much that she would wake up that her brain had finally been able to imagine her squeezing perfectly. 

\- Crystal... - her voice filled the room, like a light whisper. The curly-haired girl lifted her head and found she was not crazy. Gigi had opened her eyes slowly, trying to repeat her name. 

Crystal cried louder, happy. She had waited for that moment like a child waits for his birthday. 

\- Gigi - smiled at her and caressed her hair gently. She looked at her and finally a feeling of relief spread in her chest. The awareness that she loved her more than ever made room in her and made her smile twice as much. 

Loving is a crazy thing to do. 

And for heroes, too. Loving is an act of courage. The most reckless courage. How many Rambo do you know who can defeat an army and then cry like abandoned puppies when love slips through their fingers? 

How many bullets is love worth? 

And then there are people who face it head-on. Poor and yet so happy. Wretched yet so big. There are so few things that elevate a person that when faced with one, one is afraid that it's not real. And it isn't. And since when does have the right to exist only what is real? And since when is science needed to certify what moves in us? 

Only those who believe in miracles can perform them. 

And only those who believe in love can live it. Who knows that he or she can lose it and yet does not lose it, he or she who faces it without fear and yet never stops shaking. Only the greatest of men says "I love you" as if it were a universal force, with the security of one who knows that he can change the world. Only those who love in spite of fear say "I love you" so that even fear will be frightened by the greatness of what is in front of them. 

I love you with all the words. And only "I love you" can enclose so many of them. I love you is I want you, I yearn for you, I desire you; and also I fear you, I reject you, I tear you down; and still I suffer you, I embrace you, I kiss you. I love you is the perfect expression, the expression said so many times but almost never pronounced with all the value it carries within itself. 

I love you without words so as not to break the silence that protects me.

\- Where are we? - the raven-haired girl hardly asked her. She wanted to ask a hundred more questions but her head hurt like hell and breathing without feeling any pain was difficult. 

\- Don't strain yourself, just take it easy, okay? It's going to be all right - she said. She didn't know whether to tell her they were in hospital, she was afraid it would alarm her and make a mess. But she didn't know Gigi was just thinking that she was there, in front of her and she was fine. Confirming to herself that she'd just had a bad dream. A faint smile appeared on her lips. 

They looked at each other gently for a few moments. Then Gigi made a grimace of pain, the effect of the anesthetic and tranquilizers were wearing off. 

\- Are you in a lot of pain? - Crystal asked her worried. When the girl lying in bed nodded, she approached the door, looking with her eyes for a nurse or a doctor. She didn't want to go away and leave her alone. She didn't want her to be afraid. 

Lucky for her, her mother's friend was passing by. Crystal leaned out of the door and raised her arm, signaling to come closer. It was almost five o'clock in the morning and probably, if not almost certainly, the patients in the next room were sleeping. 

The woman approached and Crystal told her that Gigi was awake and not feeling very well. She nodded and after five minutes came back with the doctor the curly girl had been talking to. 

He greeted her with a smile and approached the other one. Crystal held her hand, hoping to make her feel better. 

When the man began to say that she should have had regular checkups, he noticed how the patient on the bed tightened the grip around the hand of the other one standing next to her. He had never seen two people supporting each other as they did. 

\- You can come with us too - he said confident. Separating them would almost have hurt him too, so he let Crystal stand next to her girlfriend without any problems. It was fair. 

During that whole routine, Crystal was forced to stay in a corner anyway. Gigi's eyes were always in hers. She smiled at her, mimed with her lips that everything was okay and lifted her thumbs up to give her a smile. The other was in a state of physical fragility that made her feel mentally fragile in the same way. She needed Crystal to give her confidence and just knowing she was in the room kept her calm. 

When they finally had to heal the wound on her chest, Gigi opened her eyes wide. The doctor had explained everything they had done to her, but she hadn't imagined anything like that. The white gauze covered a perfectly vertical cut from the beginning of the sternum to just below her breast. She felt herself die inside. For someone like Gigi, physical appearance was everything, and she could only think of the enormous scar that would remain. She immediately looked away, trying to pretend it was nothing, as if that body wasn't hers. 

Crystal also couldn't help but stare at the wound. God, it was scary to think they had to do that to her to save her life. She felt even worse, she wished she was in her place, so Gigi wouldn't have to suffer like that. 

The nurse told her that she could come closer if she wanted, that she didn't need to stay away anymore, and Crystal was quick to come closer and pin her fingers on Gigi's fingers. 

She could see in her eyes that she was suffering. She caressed her face and finally met her gaze, which was running away from her for the first time. Crystal smiled at her again, and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Gigi closed her eyes and then got inebriated by the scent her sweet girlfriend. Everything was going to be all right with her side by side. 

By the time they were taken back to the room, it was now 6:45 in the morning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!! Hope you liked it and as always, feel free to say what you think about it! Love u all xx


	18. Eighteen

Calm reigned in the room. Crystal was telling one of her stories, making Gigi giggle. Despite their apparent light-heartedness, both were worried about something, but they wanted to enjoy that moment together first.

\- Now that the story about your uncle is over... Why don't you tell me why you're sad? - Gigi told her quietly, lying between the white sheets, as they held hands. Crystal, sitting next to her bed, smiled.

\- I'm not sad - she tried to be as convincing as possible. Gigi had to think about recovering and getting well, not thinking about her and her paranoia.

\- We said no lies, remember? - she smiled at her. The black-haired girl just wanted to make her understand that they could talk, that even then she hadn't stopped fighting for Crystal. The latter remained silent, caught off guard. 

\- Come here, lie down next to me - Gigi moved carefully. She made room for Crystal. She needed to keep her closer.

\- No, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you - she replied, it was clear in her eyes that she was dying to lie down next to her girlfriend. 

\- You won't - Gigi shook her head, softened. Crystal didn't let her repeat it and laid next to her, always careful not to make any wrong movements. - Come on, talk to me - continued Gigi, once she was next to her. Their hands never left each other.

\- I don't like to see you like this... I feel like it's my fa... - Crystal didn't have time to finish the sentence that Gigi interrupted her.

\- Crystal, don't even joke about it - her eyes were harsh. She shouldn't blame yourself. She wasn’t the one that drove a motorbike like crazy. 

\- If I hadn't argued and just consoled you, I wouldn't have... - Crystal was interrupted again. Gigi had blocked her with a little disapproving verse. When the curly-haired girl tried to continue, Gigi repeated that verse, more and more amused. Crystal started laughing, that childish joke was hilarious. Gigi refrained from laughing backwards, fearing that if she did, the pain in her chest would return. But she did manage to make Crystal smile.

\- Okay, okay, now listen to me... Stop laughing! - Gigi tried, puffing fun. The other apologized quickly and then tried to get serious again. - It was an accident, it happened and now we just have to go on and keep rebuilding ourselves, stronger than before - the girl went on, carrying almost with difficulty one hand on Crystal's cheek. On her face there was that tenderness so familiar that it convinced her. 

\- I love you, Gi - her brown eyes mingled with the other's light eyes. Without thinking twice, Crystal canceled the distance between them and placed a kiss on her lips. Her heart had driven her to do what she wanted. She secretly craved that kiss for so long.

Gigi felt the butterflies in her stomach like it was their first kiss. She missed it so much. She missed the soft lips on hers. 

\- I love you more, Crys - she answered her as soon as they parted, remaining in that small position with the united foreheads they loved so much.

\- You want to race? - a clever little smile was painted on her lips. 

\- You know I always win - Gigi answered her shaking her head. A moment of silence followed, as if that race was happening, but without words. They didn't need it. 

Later that morning Jackie woke up between Nicky and Jan. The night before, after the discussion with Gigi, the two friends had decided to take Nicky to drink and have fun. It was a simple way to distract her and it did her good. Something unusual happened between Jackie and Jan that night, too, but they wouldn't talk about it. 

She got up being careful not to wake the other two and as if driven by instinct she took her phone. Jackie wasn't used to going through the notifications as soon as she woke up, she needed a coffee and a shower in her quiet first. 

There were messages from Crystal. For a few moments she feared that the girl had sought her help while she was out. But it wasn't really like that.

_ hi, Jackie. _

_ you may be asleep, but I thought it was fair to warn you there's been an accident _

_ i'm at the hospital, with Gigi, but don't worry too much _

_ if you can, tell the others - Crystal 8:13am _

The lowercase letter at the beginning of the messages bothered her terribly, but Crystal, on the other hand, loved it. She stopped to reread several times. Then she immediately snapped, her maternal instinct told her to run. Jackie was like that, always the mom of the group, always taking care of others and never of herself. 

She started taking off her pajamas and dressing decently. In doing so, she woke up Nicky and Jan, who threw her a pillow.

\- What the hell are you doing? - Nicky said to her, sleepy. 

\- I’m getting dressed - she answered in search of her camel boots. Jan looked at the clock on the wall.

\- It's almost noon, where would you like to go? - she asked her, then repeated to go back to bed with them.

\- I have to go check if Gigi and Crystal are okay - Jackie finally put her shoes on, without thinking about what she said. 

\- Jackie! - Jan scolded her. Bringing up the two in front of Nicky was not the best, in fact the French girl had lowered her gaze. 

-What? Crystal told me they’re in the hospital, I have a right to be worried, they're my friends! - the Persian girl answered, causing a chain reaction. Jan forced her to wait for her, Nicky started adjusting too.

Despite all those events, the love among the girls hadn't changed. Jackie had remained consistent with her "I don't take sides" and Jan had done her best. Nicky had pushed both Crystal and Gigi away, but that didn't mean she didn't love them both.

They wrote a message to the others while they were in the car and when they arrived, the situation didn't seem so bad. 

Jackie knocked even though the door was open. Gigi, lying down, looked at the girls at the door, Crystal turned to look and then came down from her side. 

\- Can we? - Jan asked, with a smile. The tension was high. They both noticed Nicky. Crystal felt a strange jealousy growing inside her. Gigi, on the other hand, was sadder, seeing her wasn't in her plans for at least another good few weeks. Yet they both let her in with Jackie and Jan. 

\- Baby Geeg, what happened? - Jackie approached her, with a sweet look. She stroked her hair and then placed her hand too close to the wound, hidden under the sheet and gauze. The girl gasped and Jackie took off her hand scared, apologizing. 

\- Don't worry, don't worry - Gigi answered her painfully, still trying to smile at her. Jan approached her too, starting to chat a bit. The goal became to avoid an embarrassing silence.

Nicky was still standing just next to the door, not sure what to do. She was just watching Gigi from afar, swinging. Crystal was braver and approached her. 

\- Hi to you too, Nicky - she said. She wanted to make that feeling about her go away.

\- Hello, Crystal - answered her, shy. The French girl rarely was. She wondered what she was doing there, why she had gone to that place to the two people she wanted to erase from her memory? The answer always the same. Nicky was out of the room in no time. 

Crystal got a few seconds confused, but then she followed her. 

\- Hey! Are you okay? - she asked her, touching her shoulder to make her stop as she walked away at a fast pace. 

\- Why is that your business? - the French girl turned around, spreading her arms. 

\- Wow, there's no need to be grumpy... I was being nice - Crystal was shocked by her answer. There was no reason to be angry. Where was that Nicky who was begging her to stay friends? 

\- Look, I was wrong to come with Jan and Jackie. I’m going to the car, I’ll wait for them there - Nicky seemed to tone it down. 

\- You can't wait in the parking lot... Come on, Nicky, we appreciate you staying - as soon as those words left her lips, she saw something light up in the other one's eyes.

\- Crystal, I don't need this shit. It's clear that there's tension in the room, it's clear that Gigi hates me now and it's clear to me that you think the same. Don't play the fake friend, there's no need - she pointed a finger at her. 

\- Fake friend? Have you already thrown away my desire to forgive you? - Crystal put one hand on the other’s, putting down the pointing her finger. If she wanted to fight, she'd gladly fight. 

\- I don't give a shit - the blonde moved her hair behind her shoulders. Her words started to hit Crystal.

\- You treat anyone who tries to get close to you badly, smart move, really - Crystal shook her head. 

\- I want to tell you again: it's none of your business what I do, Crystal - Nicky spit sour. Things were getting too hot. But it was too late to turn back, Crystal had already put into fifth gear. 

\- I think that's my business. This raising walls and saying bad things almost costed Gigi her life! - she let herself slip out. Nicky laughed hysterically, mocking her.

\- Please! Now it's my fault if she has two scratches on her forehead - she looked up to the sky. 

\- Two scratches on the forehead? You know that when I got home she was crying so hard she couldn't even think? Did you know you caused such a deep crisis that she ran away from home and I had to chase her for at least two blocks to keep her from getting hurt? And did you know that two assholes on a motorbike caught her right in the middle of the road and broke her ribs and lacerated her lungs? Huh, Nicky? It's not just two scratches, it's a whole chest wound and a devastated emotional state - Crystal felt so angry and frustrated that her friend did nothing but pretend it was nothing to her. She was tired of hearing her say two bad words and then running away. 

\- If you'd used those chicken legs you call legs and run faster, maybe you could have saved her, what do you say? Don't blame me for your inability - Nicky got meaner, Crystal didn't even recognize her anymore. She was hitting her deepest insecurities and it hurt. 

\- So I'm incapable and you’re not an insensitive bitch? Okay - she answered her, not giving up. 

\- Exactly, and while we're at it, you should also think that maybe it's you that's drawing this evil to her. I'd be happier if it were you in her place or worse, Gigi doesn't deserve it - the French girl gave her a final blow, knowing full well that she was going to hit Crystal hard.

That's when Crystal's eyes got all shiny. Nicky turned her back on her, knowing there was nothing left to say. She left, towards Jan's car. She just thought Crystal was right: she was saying horrible things and she was doing it to keep everyone away. 

Crystal went to the bathroom. She didn't understand why they were so mean like little girls. The girl didn't understand why they couldn't solve everything civilly. She clung to the white sink for a few minutes, then decided to wash her face and go back to the others who were probably wondering what had happened to her. The important thing was to smile and pretend nothing happened, smile and say that Nicky had a commitment or something. 

When she entered the room, Gigi looked at her immediately. Before she could talk, Jan asked Crystal where she had gone and where Nicky was. She told her they'd gone out for a smoke and then Nicky went away on a date. Jackie nodded and then kept talking to her friends. 

Jackie and Jan left after an hour or so. They found Nicky leaning against the car with a cigarette between her fingers. Her gaze was lost in emptiness, her sky-blue eyes stood out in contrast to the redness of her scleras. 

\- Nicky? - Jackie called her confused. Wasn't she gone? Jan was the first to hug her hard. The French girl came back crying. She felt awful, but it wasn't her fault. Yes, indeed, but the fact that she spat badly to defend herself when she felt too exposed no. She had always tried to change that side of herself, but she only managed to make it stronger. 

Jackie and Jan began to think that Crystal had said something mean to her or kicked her out. It was time to take sides. And it wasn't Crystal's.

Of all the reasons to think, wanting to win the judgment of others is far more stupid. Then go. Go apologize to someone you hurt just to be right. Stop breathing when you want to hurl yourself at those who think differently from you again, at those who feel differently from you. Go now. Right away. You'll think you're running out of time, you can't fix what that bitch of reason destroyed. And you're probably right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! I hope you liked it and as always: feel free to let me know what you think! Love u all, thank you for your support xx


	19. Nineteen

Jan and Jackie took Nicky home. Her friends took care of her like a baby until she fell asleep. 

The two of them sat on the couch, both thinking about a lot of things. Jackie thought that was the first moment after the night before she was alone with Jan. The latter thought about how she wanted to ask Jackie if what happened between them was true. Both wondered how Crystal, always sweet and friendly, had managed to offend Nicky so deeply.

\- Jackie? - Jan was the first to speak, a little afraid. She sat up straight with her hands on her knees. 

\- Yes? - the Persian girl turned to look at her. She also stood in her space, her legs crossed and her hands playing with her golden earrings. 

\- Should we stop being friends with Crystal? - she asked her sighing. Her initial question was a different one, but she changed it because of her insecurity. 

\- I don't know... Nicky didn't tell us much, so maybe we're wrong. We know Crystal - the last sentence came out of Jackie's lips almost like a question. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.

\- That's the point: I feel like I don't know who she is anymore. What happened changed her and we haven't seen or heard from her since the night of Jaida's party... It's all weird - Jan shrugged her shoulders. In the last period she had become more attached to Nicky and this prevented her from seeing reality: they had promised Crystal not to leave her and to stay by her side but then they had disappeared. Maybe it was too uncomfortable to admit, so Jan and probably Jackie were hiding the truth with a simple "I don't recognize her anymore". 

Gigi knew Crystal had changed, but only in a positive way. Yet she remained the sweet, explosive, sensitive person she always was. And it was because of her sensitivity that she couldn't hide her feelings at all. Gigi had understood that Nicky and Crystal had talked, she still didn't know about what, but they had. 

But Crystal also sensed that Gigi was not as calm inside her as she wanted her to believe.

\- Gigi, how are you? - she asked her, standing by the open window. The warm afternoon air was pleasant and the sun lit the room, making it look less gloomy. The bedridden girl looked at her for a moment, almost trying to choose the information to share. 

\- I don't want anyone else to come here but you - she began, finally determined to let herself go. Crystal asked her to explain herself better, to make her understand what she meant. Gigi didn't ask for prayers. - It was strange and terrible. I felt uncomfortable, and I hate this... pity? Compassion? Whatever it was. It was like instead of making me feel relieved, they were constantly reminding me of this crap that hurts like crazy on every possible level. They kept asking me what happened, why, it was like they were forcing me to talk about it because every time I tried to change the subject, they wouldn't let me. I don't want it to happen again, only you can understand me - she said, trying to get the hair out of her face. Crystal came over to help her and smiled at her.

\- Well then, we'll tell the others it's better not to come here, don't worry - she braided her hair to the side, so that the long locks wouldn't bother her anymore. Gigi took her hand, thanked her and then hesitated before speaking again. She was afraid to ask her a question, or rather, she was afraid of her answer. 

\- Crystal...Will you still like me with...Well, yes, with the scar - her gaze fell on their joined hands. Sometimes her look was the only thing she thought she had, it was that quality that people wanted to be friends with her for. Only Crystal had always been able to make her feel fully appreciated for her personality, for who she really was. Gigi was terribly beautiful, no one could deny it, but there was a whole world behind that front and Crystal knew it.

\- Gi, I love you because you have a thousand qualities inside you, not just because you're beautiful. I'll always like you, a scar won't change anything - Crystal squeezed her hand. Her bright, reassuring smile had never left her lips. 

\- Are you sure? You don't have to say that just because you feel you have to - Gigi still didn't find the strength to look at her. Crystal lifted her face with a finger under her chin so she could look at her. 

\- I don't feel compelled to do anything. Gigi, I'm forgiving you a betrayal for how much I love you, let alone leaving you for something like this... I know it's important to you, but you don't have to worry about it, really - she started to caress her cheek gently. It was true that nothing would stop her from loving her. Gigi was Gigi, and with or without a scar, she was still the most spectacular girl Crystal had ever seen. 

That's when she remembered Nicky's insults. She was not even half as beautiful as the French girl, perhaps that was why Gigi had preferred her in those moments. 

Nicky was thin and her legs were athletic, she had “chicken legs”. Nicky had shiny blonde hair, she had a curly, messed-up mullet. Nicky was smart, she was "incapable".

Nicky told her she'd rather the accident had happened to her. In fact, she said she'd be happy if it happened to her. She thought that Nicky was her friend, that she loved her, but she just wanted to see her under a vehicle. 

\- Crys? I promise I won't worry about the scar. Please don't cry - Gigi was looking at her in a panic. The other one's eyes were clear, but she didn't mean to do that to her. Crystal felt she couldn't resist, so she hid her face on Gigi's shoulder without letting go of her hand. The latter carried her free hand in her hair. 

\- I should be in your place - Crystal broke the silence, leaving Gigi banned. 

\- This again? We talked about it this morning...- she answered her trying to be as sweet and understanding as possible. She had clearly told her not to think about any of those things: it wasn't her fault, it shouldn't have happened to anyone else. 

What Crystal said afterwards made her change her mood in a second. 

\- Nicky thought I deserved it more than you, that she'd be happy - the curly-haired girl's voice broke. Saying it out loud was even more heartbreaking. Gigi would have wanted to snap and pick up the French girl by the hair. It was too much. She could take it out all she wanted with her, but she had to leave Crystal alone. 

She tried to sit up, but the pain in her chest made her fall back on the mattress. Crystal looked at her with her eyes wide open. - Are you crazy? Gigi stay still! - she almost panicked. 

\- Give me the phone then - the raven-haired girl wouldn't stop. Crystal refused to hand it to her, sensing that she would call Nicky and tell her off. 

Something in her eyes told Gigi there was more. - What else did she say you? Crys, tell me - it was almost a prayer. 

\- Nothing, she didn't tell me anything - Crystal tried to lie. If she'd talked, the other one would have run all the way to the French girl's house. But Gigi began to beg her, again and again, convincing her only once she promised she wouldn't call anyone. 

\- I promise you - she handed her her little finger to seal the promise as they often did. Crystal crossed her pinky with her girlfriend’s. 

\- She told me that... That I don't care about her, that I'm a fake friend. She kept giving me bad answers and then... Then she said something about my thighs, that if I ran faster I'd save you, that I'm incapable... - she only looked at Gigi when she finished talking. Her face was pissed off. She knew the other's insecurities, and since they had met, she had committed herself to helping Crystal to accept herself. Objectively Crystal was a fantastic girl and Gigi thought she was even more beautiful than her, she was insuperable. They had done so much work together to make her understand that she was fine exactly the way she was, even without respecting the useless standards of beauty imposed by society. Nicky seemed to have destroyed all the hard work Crystal had done. 

\- I know I promised not to, but if you don't give me the phone, I'll push the emergency button, and as soon as a nurse arrives I'll ask her - her tone was serious, Crystal knew she wouldn't hesitate. She gave up and handed her the phone. 

\- Maybe you don't have to get upset... Forget it, come on... I'm fine - Crystal tried to convince her as she watched her look for her friend's name in the phone book, as she clicked the little icon on the phone, as she carried the object to her ear. Gigi wouldn't give up. 

She waited. The answering machine went to voicemail.

She tried again. Still no answer. 

But Gigi wouldn't give up. She'd keep going until she got an answer.

Jackie and Jan watched Nicky's cell phone ring on the coffee table in front of them. The other one was still asleep. They decided to ignore the calls and texts. Gigi wasn't accepting that silence. The more she called, the more Jan and Jackie began to give up. It had to be important, or it could be Crystal apologizing to Nicky. 

\- What are we gonna do? We got four calls and at least six messages... It'll go on - Jan looked at her friend next to her. Jackie stopped to think for a moment. 

\- I'll get it - the Persian girl was suddenly seized with courage and answered the phone, putting her on speakerphone so Jan could hear. 

_ "At last! What was it you were afraid to answer? You obviously know why I'm calling, don't you? You're a bitch, Nicky." _ Gigi's voice echoed through the room. Jackie and Jan looked at each other, was that a joke? Did she want to hurt Nicky like Crystal did? 

\- It’s Jackie - the girl said. 

_ "Put Nicky on then" _ Gigi made her claim. 

\- No. I won't let you do this to her - Jackie started defending her with a sword.

_ "Do what to her? Are you protecting her, Jackie?" _ the girl on the other end of the phone laughed in dismay. 

\- You're protecting Crystal for the wrong thing - Jan stepped in immediately, backing up her Persian friend. 

_ "And what is the wrong thing? Nicky insulting her for no reason?!" _ her voice was angry as if she was there she would throw something.

\- What?! It was Crystal who insulted Nicky! - Jan kept taking the floor. Jackie remained silent and confused. An almost disappointed puff could be heard from the phone.

_ "I wonder what she told you...Poor things" _ Gigi said, and then she turned her cell phone away and closed the call.

\- No, Gigi! Don't hang up! - Jackie tried to stop her too late. The two of them looked at each other. Only with their gaze they shared their thoughts, their confusion. Did Nicky tell lies? They would have asked her directly, who was standing by the door, hiding in her giant t-shirt. 

The French girl immediately said she could explain. Jan and Jackie told her it was a dare now. They no longer knew what was happening to the friends around them, it was like they were back in high school. 

\- I didn't want to go down that hard with Crystal, it's just that I increased the dose every time she tried to make up and I didn't realize it until I reached the limit. Really, I know it's fucked up, that I should have just told her that I needed space and I don't know why I didn't. I feel guilty, I didn't mean to, I swear, I was... Well, I'm scared, I don't know what to do anymore! - Nicky finished her explanation.

Jan and Jackie didn't know what to say or do except leave her house. That was mean behavior, but who was hurting other people just to drive them away? It wasn't good, no. 

\- No! Please wait! I'm asking you for help, don't go away - the French girl begged her in tears. 

\- I tried desperately to help you Nicky, but you keep doing this shit. I let you do it when you did it with Gigi, I thought you needed to vent your anger to move on, but it had the opposite effect. I don't know how to help you because you keep doing your own thing - Jackie told her. They'd been fighting from the beginning of the argument until that moment. Nicky had started with a lot of excuses and every question Jackie asked had turned out to be a lie. Jackie was hurt that Nicky didn't trust her as much as she'd led her to believe.

\- It was a mistake! - Nicky answered her as she approached her friends. 

\- A mistake you have to make up for yourself, I'm sorry - Jan looked at her sorry and then walked Jackie out before she could go on. 

Nicky was alone now, not knowing what to do, feeling like a liar. In reality she had only tried to defend herself and build walls around her so that no one could hurt her anymore, but it had the opposite effect: she was the one who hurt the others. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh this one is sad :( but I still hope you liked it! Let me know what you think, love u all xx


	20. Twenty

The days passed, Gigi's wound was getting better and better and finally after almost two weeks she was able to return home. 

As promised, her friends did not go to see her, respecting her wishes and simply calling or sending messages to know how she was doing. The only ones who never showed up were Jackie, Jan and Nicky. The two of them were a little surprised, but decided not to get too stressed. Things were finally working out.

Their relationship was rebuilding thanks to their mutual commitment and spending much more time alone had helped them a lot. Crystal felt she was regaining complete trust in Gigi and Gigi was increasingly aware that she loved her and never stopped showing it to her. Crystal and Gigi were going back to being themselves, but more grown up, aware. Life had put them in front of so many difficulties and they were managing to overcome them. 

The little things were what did most of the work. Crystal's little cares in helping to dress Gigi's wound. Gigi's little spontaneous gestures of affection that made Crystal smile. Talking for hours without realizing it.

Yet they were missing the three friends. The thought that the friendship between them could end in that way was sad. They had all made mistakes and none was doing the obvious thing: apologize. 

Jackie and Jan hadn't isolated themselves on purpose; in fact, it wasn’t even their intention to stop talking to Crystal and Gigi. The fact was that after a kiss at the disco, they couldn't figure out what they were. 

Nicky, on the contrary, had taken refuge in her house. She had made peace with herself because she knew that if she didn't forgive herself first, she would never be able to go out and make things right with the rest of the people she loved. Nicky had hit rock bottom and the thought that she could only climb back up again made her hope that she would have one last chance.

As soon as she returned home, Gigi threw herself on the couch, inhaling the scent of the familiar environment.

-God, how much I'd missed home - she said, only to get up and start wandering around, like a curious dog. Crystal looked at her amused. The change from a white, anonymous hospital room to their colorful, brightly lit house was not indifferent. 

\- I can finally sleep in a bed - Crystal laughed. Sleeping in a chair every night had not been the best, but she would do so for a month if it meant being next to Gigi. The latter had often told her to go home and sleep comfortably, but she didn't want to leave her because she knew Gigi really wanted her there with her. 

\- I can come back to hug you while we sleep - Gigi put her arms around her neck, smiling. Crystal put a kiss on her lips, nodding to her statement. Touching and physical contact had been missed by both of the girls. Often the tension in that room was high, and since they were at home, they could finally make it explode without worrying. 

The two began to kiss more intensely, Crystal's hands descended to Gigi's ass. They didn't have time to move to the bedroom and Gigi simply had Crystal lie down on the sofa, sitting astride her. 

The raven-haired girl gave molded kisses to other's lips and then began to trace a path up to her neck, where she left visible marks. Crystal blissed on her skin with soft lips that gave her the chills. She felt the urge to undress Gigi and her hands slipped to the hem of her shirt and then slipped off, breaking that contact for a few seconds. The other in response began to unbutton her pink blouse, revealing her girlfriend's tanned skin and gaining more room for her gentle kisses and bites. 

Crystal, however, wanted to take care of Gigi, so she turned the situation upside down, making her the one to overpower her body. She stopped for a moment to look at her. Her black hair fell on her shoulders and pillow under her head, the pupils of her blue eyes began to dilate and glitter with desire, her lips were rosy and inviting. Crystal kissed her again and then carried a hand behind her back, trying to unbutton her colored bra. When she succeeded a few seconds later, she did not hesitate to come down to her breast. Gigi seemed worried, Crystal knew why. 

\- Don't worry, you look beautiful even so - she said, referring to the patch in the center of her chest. Gigi took a breath almost of relief. Her concentration immediately shifted to the caresses on her thigh that went up to her ass and down, getting closer and closer to her intimacy. Crystal's lips, meanwhile, were paying attention to her breasts. Gigi was finally in heaven. 

Before the curly-haired girl could touch her where the other one wanted her with all of herself, the bell made them jump. 

Crystal stood up immediately, buttoning her shirt, Gigi lowered her skirt and picked up her white T-shirt from the ground, quickly putting it on. They exchanged an amused look, the timing of the person at the door sucked. 

When they opened the door, their friends rushed into the house like they used to. Gigi was overwhelmed by their hugs. Crystal was surprised to find Jan and Jackie in the group. And they were both pretty quick to notice that Nicky was the only one missing. 

While the rest of the friends fixed the food they brought to the dining room table, Jan and Jackie took the opportunity to talk to Crystal and Gigi.

\- Hey...Sorry we disappeared, we wanted to tell you we have no problem with you, really - Jackie started, Jan held her hand. 

\- Don't worry, it's okay. The important thing is to find each other, right? - Crystal answered kindly. Gigi didn't seem convinced, though.

\- The last time I heard you two, we were arguing on the phone - the girl came out, looking for some explanation.

\- You're right, Gigi. The thing is, we thought it was Crystal who attacked Nicky, but we were wrong and we know it - Jan nodded, agreeing with her and trying to find some forgiveness from her friend. 

\- All right, so we're good? - Crystal brokered it. All three of them watched Gigi, waiting for her answer. The black-haired girl smiled and then confirmed it was peace. 

\- Speaking of Nicky... you know what happened to her? - Jackie was the one who asked the question. She didn't expect the couple of friends to know the answer, but it couldn't hurt to try. Gigi and Crystal looked at each other, and that was a question they both wanted to ask. 

\- No, we thought you knew something about it - Gigi shrugged. Everyone was obviously sorry and worried. 

\- What if I call her? - Crystal took a chance on the proposal. She wanted Nicky to be there with them, too, to tell her stories about Paris and have fun. It didn't matter what happened anymore. But Gigi did. She was still holding a grudge against the girl who'd been acting like shit. Nicky had caused some trouble and wasn't having the courage to come forward and apologize and Gigi didn't like it. But Crystal had a soft heart unlike her, so she understood Crystal missing Nicky even though she didn't share. 

\- It's no use, we all tried, she never answered - Jan shook her head. 

\- Forget it, maybe she doesn't even care - Gigi said, convinced of her idea. The silence between the four of them fell. Evidently that was a shared and painful opinion for all of them. Luckily Jaida and Widow had made themselves at home and played their favorite song, turning up the volume to maximum. 

They started having fun like the old days, sharing food, alcohol, laughter and new dance moves.

At one point in the evening, Jaida had approached Gigi, who couldn't even drink by mistake because of her medication. Her friend asked her what was preventing her from having fun as usual. Jaida knew her well enough to know that with or without alcohol Gigi knew how to have fun and judging by her face, it wasn't even physical pain. 

\- I'm tipsy, I could give you one of my best pearls - Jaida tried to persuade her to tell her what was going on in her head. Gigi smiled at her joke and then instinctively glanced at Crystal smoking with Dahlia at the window. 

\- Are things not good between you two? - Jaida looked at Crystal, following Gigi's gaze. 

\- No, no, they are more than fine... I just don't understand how she can be so pure - Gigi answered her with a certain sweetness in her voice. Crystal was to be admired.

\- I still don't understand what the problem is, I'm too drunk to connect the pieces by myself - the friend next to her joked again and brought the glass to her lips, taking a sip of the drink. 

\- Crystal wants to forgive Nicky... At first it was understandable, but now I don't see why, she doesn’t even want to talk to us anymore. First the story of the betrayal, then the discussion with me, and finally all that gratuitous nastiness. When I think about it, I just get angry - the girl frowned, thinking about the latest events, how Crystal had cried because of those insults. The fact was also that it hurt her that Nicky didn't want her as a friend anymore. She was angry because everything could be different as always, but the other one had decided to complicate the situation by being a bitch. It wasn't fair. 

\- Maybe Crystal wants to make it right, maybe she's tired of these fights and feuds. And you should think about clarifying once and for all... It would be good for you, Gigi - Jaida told her quietly and then left her to think for herself, dragging herself to the rhythm of music with the other friends. 

That she was right? That that question mark, that limbo they were experiencing, was only doing harm? 

Gigi went out into the garden, away from the music. She looked for Nicky's name on her phone, she tried to call her, and after Nicky didn't answer, she pushed the microphone icon to send her a voice message. 

_ "Hi, Nicky, it's Gigi. I know you're not answering on purpose, but I wanted to tell you that all the girls are here and only you're missing. Maybe you could stop by, I don't know...We love you, Nicky"  _ just before Gigi could close up, Crystal came over, screaming into the microphone, _ "Nicky we miss you, please come!" _ . 

\- How much have you had to drink? - Gigi asked her smiling, finding her girlfriend with the red cheeks so cute. 

\- Enough to tell a shitty friend that I miss her - she shrugged and laughed, too, hugging her hard. Gigi squeezed her, Crystal understood her even when she was drunk, unbelievable. 

Nicky walked down the street with a specific goal. She took the phone out of her pocket too late, and without the ring tone she could not hear it ring. It was Gigi. A message didn't take long to arrive, she listened to it immediately without stopping walking. It was only a few seconds, but they filled her heart, her friends didn't hate her. 

She could see Crystal and Gigi in the garden.

\- Girls! - she lifted up her arm, called them and walked to the door. Crystal's gaze lit up, as if Nicky had brought her a mountain of her favorite glitter. She ran to the door with Gigi, telling everyone that Nicky had arrived. 

As soon as they opened the door, Nicky hugged her, and they all embraced her with affection. After that sweet moment, Gigi found herself alone with her.

\- Listen, do you wanna talk? - Nicky asked her nervous. Her initial idea was to talk to both of them, but Crystal was too drunk to understand. 

\- Uhm okay - Gigi nodded and then watched Crystal slip away having a drink with Widow in one breath. The black-haired girl walked out into the yard with the other one. 

They sat on the bench by the window, quietly. Gigi waited patiently for Nicky to speak first, but she didn't seem to want to.

\- Well? Cat got your tongue? - she asked her at the end, it was meant to be a fun comment, but from her lips it came out definitely grumpy. 

\- No, sorry... I was thinking about how to start - the French girl immediately justified herself with her heart racing in her chest. 

\- Just "I'm sorry" can be a good start, you know? - Gigi's tone became more serene and seemed to calm Nicky. 

\- Yeah, you're right. It just doesn't seem to be enough... - looking down at her hands and playing with the ring on her index finger. She had argued several times with Gigi and solving it had never been a problem, the words had always reached her lips and had never stuck in her throat as it was happening at that moment. 

\- It doesn't matter, I just want to know what's gotten into you... The Nicky I know is not this Nicky - Gigi told her, hoping to be a civilized and reasonable person. Jaida's words were spinning in her head, but she couldn't help but feel a kind of anger growing inside her.

\- Grief changes people, Gigi - the French girl answered her. It was precisely because of that pain that she felt the need to protect herself and push everyone away from her.

\- It's true, but that's not your case. You only hid yourself and your feelings from others... That's not changing - she moved her black hair from her face and turned her eyes to her friend. Nicky remained silent, realizing that Gigi was not wrong. 

\- I had to do it, there was no other way - Nicky gave up quickly. Gigi was banned from hearing that sentence.

\- What? Nicky I hope you're joking - she asked her, hoping it really was a joke. But when she looked at her and the French girl finally had the courage to look her in the eye, Gigi knew she was serious.

\- Do I look like I'm kidding? - she answered her, watching as her friend's eyes opened wide, surprised. 

\- So you're saying that being mean was the only solution? For what then? - Gigi let out a giggle. All her good intentions were fading.

\- I needed to get away from you and Crystal so I could get over it - and at that moment her gaze was fixed on her hands, her fear of the other one's reaction was so great.

\- And you thought you could do that by fighting? Nicky, our argument put me in the hospital, and it wasn't much because of the end of our friendship as it was because of the words you used. If you had spoken to me sincerely and calmly I would have left you alone, I would have respected you despite the pain - Gigi explained to her, with her tone of voice raising.

\- I know I was wrong, I admit it. I behaved like crap and I'm ashamed of it, but I wasn't myself. I was so caught up in the tide of feelings that it was overwhelming me that I didn't think about the consequences, I was selfish - the French girl ran her hands through her blonde hair, nervous. 

\- There were so many people willing to help you and stand by you, me first and even Crystal. She chose to forgive you, to forgive us both. Her big goddamn heart chose to get over it, and you... You made fun of her like a kid in high school. And yet she still wants to forgive you - Gigi stood up from her seat and turned her back on Nicky. It was impossible for her to understand.

\- And you? Do you want to? - Nicky sat there, looking over her back where Gigi's wavy hair fell out. She knew the answer was almost certainly "No”. She'd really screwed up, but more importantly, she'd hurt Crystal to get to Gigi, too. 

\- Honestly? I'm scared. I'm afraid you might say we're at peace today, wake up tomorrow and change your mind. And I'm afraid to do the same thing myself - Gigi moved her hair to one side, then turned to her friend, who was looking at her.

\- I'm sure I want things to go back to the way they were, I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and want everything to be normal and quiet...Gigi, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of feeling this emptiness in my chest - Nicky stood up in turn, going close to her. 

\- And I'm tired of fighting with everybody. I'm tired of the tears, the screams, the hostility... I just want to get back in the house and be able to have fun without thinking about anything or anyone - Gigi opened her arms and let them fall down her hips. 

\- Then let's go! Let's put all this aside and try to be better - the French girl pointed to the window that separated them from inside the house. 

\- I don't know if I can be better - she sighed, for the first time it was Gigi who looked away. 

\- And why? - Nicky crossed her arms, waiting for her answer. It couldn't get any worse, there was only one ascent, so how could the friend not be better?

\- Nicky, do you still like me? - Gigi's heavenly eyes pointed straight into the other's. She could guess the answer from her face. A moment of silence followed her question and confirmed Gigi's assumptions.

\- What? - Nicky's voice was trembling. Her face was hopelessly red. It was clear that she still had feelings for her, and that was why she had continued to suffer for the situation. She'd gone from having the girl she wanted, to be less than nothing to her. Nicky couldn't blame her, Gigi loved Crystal, she couldn't force her to erase what she felt. 

\- That's why... How can I be better if I continue to be the cause of this sadness? - Gigi pointed it out to her. The thing was that Nicky wanted to be strong and pretend nothing happened, but her face kept betraying her and showing everything she really felt. Gigi still cared about her feelings, she could never play along and stomp on them every time she held her girlfriend's hand. She didn't find it right to go on with her life and let one of her best friends get stuck behind. 

\- Gigi, I'll get over it. It's a crush, not the end of the world - the girl tried to talk her out of it. Nicky knew herself well enough to say that once that story was over, she'd be able to move on without too much trouble.

\- At least let me help you, let me stand by you in the meantime - she said, sure. The least she could do was to stand by her as a friend, like she used to.

\- I...- Nicky sighed and then watched Crystal, dancing and laughing with Heidi in the house. What would've happened if she'd let Gigi stand next to her? Would Crystal get jealous? Would another tragedy break out? Nicky didn't know and was afraid of that uncertainty. She didn't want to hurt anybody anymore.

\- Don't worry about Crystal. She'll understand. Tell me if you'll let me be your friend again, if you'll let me help you like I always have - Gigi had followed Nicky's gaze. She would have talked to Crystal and make sure everything was all right, even though she was sure Crystal wouldn't get in their way. If it was about helping others, the curly-haired girl never backed down.

\- Yeah...Yes, okay - Nicky had thought about it a little bit before nodding. She understood that they could start over, that the moment she had longed for so much had finally arrived. She could go back to being Gigi's friend, like she'd always been.

\- Come here - the girl smiled at her and joined in a hug. That moment sealed a dark chapter of their friendship, but at the same time it marked a new one, full of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this update and as always feel free to tell me what you think!   
> Sadly also this story is coming to an end...But I'm already planning and working on a new one, so stay tuned ;)   
> Love u all xx


	21. Twenty-one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s very smutty I’M SORRY

Gigi took Nicky by the hand and dragged her into the house to dance with the others. It was time to let go and be a little family all together again. 

As soon as Crystal saw them coming back, she walked towards Gigi and pulled her from her hips, with a smart smile on her lips. Instinctively, the latter's hands ended up in her curls.

Crystal's touch was almost possessive, jealousy had mixed with alcohol but she didn't want to show it to Gigi. She wanted Gigi to be only for her and the desire for Nicky to stay away from her was clear. She wasn't aggressive, she was just more dominant than usual and Gigi only seemed to like it. 

\- Jealous? - she asked her, mocking her a little bit. She had that smile on her face that drove Crystal crazy. 

\- Maybe - she was able to say before she started kissing her neck. Her intention was to "mark her territory", set the record straight, and she was dying to touch her, to feel every inch of her body. 

Crystal moved her black hair to better reach those points that gave Gigi the chills. One kiss, two, three and then a hickey. The tension between the two became unbearable, Gigi felt she was in the same position of that afternoon, right before their friends interrupted her pleasure. Her breath got shorter.

\- Crys - she called her with a thread of voice, the music was able to cover the verse that came out shortly afterwards as Crystal lowered her hands down to her bottom. She could hear the girl smiling in her neck, she was playing with her and Gigi adored it despite her impatience. To increase the dose, Crystal danced, rubbing against her, holding her close to her body. Gigi felt her head spin, her girlfriend's perfume and the pleasant smell of alcohol went straight into her brain. 

Nicky stood on the other side of the room watching them. Her gaze had fallen almost by accident on the couple who seemed to be about to have sex right there in front of everyone. She was happy to have made peace with Gigi, but at the same time her feelings for the other one were still there. 

Luckily Jaida noticed Nicky. She approached her, leaning against the wall, next to her. 

\- Do you want some? - the girl handed Nicky her glass. Nicky smiled at Jaida and nodded, taking a sip from the straw. She recognized the taste of Cointreau, vodka and then the sweetness of cranberry juice. What else could someone like Jaida drink but a Cosmopolitan? Nicky stopped to take a closer look at her, as if she'd never done it before. Her friend was taller than her, her figure was slender and her dark skin seemed to shine with the colored lights in the room. Her straight, well-groomed hair fell on her shoulders, her smile and eyes caught her attention in a second. Jaida was certainly one of the most beautiful people she knew. A unique and special beauty.

Suddenly the two of them started joking and laughing. Drunk Jaida had started pretending to flirt with her in a blatant way, after having noticed her looks. Nicky was playing along with her, inciting and challenging her to do what she told her. 

As the joke went on, the two got closer and closer until the joke stopped being a joke. The laughter faded and became simple, intense looks. 

Jaida asked Nicky if she could kiss her. She only nodded, her gaze fixed on her lips covered with a layer of lip gloss. They started kissing over and over again, so much that the French girl forgot Gigi. 

Gigi and Crystal had sneaked up to their room with kisses and laughter. They locked themselves up so as to prevent unpleasant interruptions. 

Crystal wanted to dedicate herself to Gigi and her delicate forms with all of herself. She started kissing her again and for the second time in the same day the white T-shirt, together with her bra, were taken off Gigi's body. 

They retreated towards the bed, the curly-haired girl made the other one lie under her. She took her time to kiss her collarbone, and when Gigi gasped, hoping to feel her lips on her breasts, Crystal went lower, without giving her what she wanted. 

She would not win easily, Gigi realized that Crystal would torture her until she started praying to her. And so she did until the other one satisfied her, going back up and concentrating on Gigi's breasts. One hand slid between their bodies and it stopped in the inner thigh of the black-haired girl. 

Crystal kissed her again, approaching her without touching anything, until she felt Gigi begin to move, impatiently, beneath her.

She opened her girlfriend’s intimacy with one hand, approached her lips and licked, determinedly, from bottom to top. Her fingers remained in place, continuing to spread those rosy, fleshy lips, opening the intimacy to her tongue - again, and again, and again, in a calculated, repetitive rhythm. She was in no hurry, she wanted to savor every moment. 

The tip of her tongue explored, insistent, went in and out and then withdrew and indulged in a long, flat, almost greedy lick, and then gave way to the lips that closed around the other's already stimulated clit. Her tongue played with it, while the muscles of Gigi's thighs began to contract and her legs began to close around her face and body, while her breath became irregular and heavy. Crystal only when she was satisfied with Gigi's high moans, licked one last time, determined, and then inserted a finger. She had missed feeling her around her like that, feeling that intimacy respond immediately to her every movement. Crystal moved it, pushing it slowly in and out, while her tongue continued to tease and lick, but Gigi didn't seem to have enough of it.

\- Crys - her name came out of her lips like a prayer. So her middle finger added to her index finger, entering without difficulty. Gigi kept moaning under her, her back arched with every movement and her intimacy closed around her three fingers (because two were not enough. Two had never been enough for them) and Crystal kept on moving them, inside and out and then inside again, the faster and faster rhythm that her wrist almost began to burn. 

Finally she felt Gigi underneath her reach orgasm, her body vibrated and then stiffened. Crystal's name came out of her lips like a mantra. 

The little death, the French say.

The orgasm, we say, and we are almost afraid to say this word, as if it were a bomb, as if it hurt, as if it were too strong, as if we were not proud of it as we should be, for what it is, for what it is worth, for what it tells us.

They went on until they fell asleep in each other's arms, finally reunited into one soul.

The next morning the house was still filled with the laughter and chatter of friends. By now sleeping on the sofas or in the guest room of Gigi and Crystal's house was a habit. Being all together in that way hadn't happened since that bad situation had started, and at that moment they could breathe a light and peaceful air. 

Jaida came out of the guest room followed by Nicky, who had a beautiful mark on her neck. Her friends looked at her aware of what had happened, even without explanation. 

Crystal and Gigi came out of their room soon after and late, as always. Crystal had a relaxed and happy smile, Gigi was trying to cover her neck and shoulders, studded with bites and hickeys, with her black hair. 

\- Geeg, it's no use worrying, we all heard you - Heidi said as she was careful that her coffee wouldn't spill. Everyone laughed, Gigi turned red immediately. 

\- It looked like a whorehouse this house last night - Widow continued, also referring to Jaida and Nicky sitting next to her. 

\- You’re all envious - Jaida took the floor and girded Nicky's shoulders with one arm, pulling her to herself. The French girl agreed with her and then giggled. Jaida had made her feel good, and not only physically. She wanted her to do it again. 

-Call them out, Jaida! - Crystal supported her, opening the pantry to offer cookies to soak in milk or coffee to her friends.

They kept joking together and everything seemed in place. No one was fighting anymore and it felt great in everyone's hearts. 

When Crystal sat down next to Nicky and smiled at her, she was surprised. Gigi must have told her about the night before, how they'd worked it out. That smile was her way of telling her they were no longer troubled. Nicky felt bursting with happiness. She was happy for herself and her friends. 

\- Want to go out for a smoke with me? - Crystal took out her cigarettes and turned to Nicky. Gigi heard her, knowing her girlfriend wanted to have a word with the French. She was a little anxious, but Crystal's intentions were more than good, so she had nothing to worry about. 

The two of them went out together. Crystal opened the packet and handed it to Nicky, letting her take a cigarette first and then did the same, carrying one between her lips. She lit Nicky's cigarette and hers. 

\- Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you - the curly girl joked, seeing how her friend's look had gotten worried. 

\- I know, but you have every right to - the French girl answered her, taking a puff. 

\- Yes, but I'm not interested in fighting anymore - Crystal answered her truthfully, her honey-colored eyes glowed with the morning sunlight.

\- Then let me apologize for everything. For what I did to you, for what I told you - Nicky shook her hand, her gaze was sincere. She really wanted Crystal to forgive her.

\- I'd already forgiven you in my heart - Crystal smiled at her and then let go of her hand to hug her hard. Nicky smiled back. She'd been waiting to hear those words. As they rocked in their embrace, Crystal spoke again. - Know that if you do something like that to me again, I won't hesitate to hit you harder this time - she tried to be serious, but then bursted into laughter with Nicky. 

\- I'm starting to be afraid of you - Nicky said amused as they melted their sweet moment. 

\- You should be - Crystal teased her again. They finished their cigarette and kept on talking. 

Inside the house Gigi was talking to Jaida next to her. 

\- So? What's the story with Nicky? - Gigi made fun of her. Jaida had tried to win over Nicky in high school, but to no avail, so Gigi was no stranger to that story. 

\- No, shut up. I don't want any questions - Jaida had a smile on her face. She was dying to tell her everything she wanted to know, but she was afraid of being too hasty. 

\- You like her, huh? - the girl with raven hair continued, giggling. 

\- You know very well that deep down I’ve never got over her - her friend answered, letting a tender little laugh slip out. Jaida always hid that attraction for Nicky after she turned her down, going with other girls or boys. But the night before, she had had enough to drink to bring out that sweet admiration for the other, and had achieved great success. Jaida hoped it would be the right time, and it probably was. 

Gigi and Jaida welcomed Crystal and Nicky next to them as soon as they came back inside the house, smiling. 

They had found each other. Some in friendship, some in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! The next one will be sadly the last one :( BUT stay tuned for more! Love u all ❤️


	22. Twenty-two

After that day, the bonds between the girls became even deeper. 

Jackie and Jan had become a couple like Jaida and Nicky. The latter two had started seeing each other more and more often and it was inevitable for them to fall in love. 

Finally Nicky was able to move on, to be happy with someone who made her happy. Jaida was the right girl, the one she'd always dreamed of. 

Thanks to her new relationship, Nicky was able to completely mend her friendship with Gigi and Crystal, who always showed their support. All that disaster that had happened between the three of them hadn't gone completely away, in fact they often made jokes about it, but it didn't hurt anymore, it wasn't a problem anymore. The best feeling was to have come out of it all together after so much hard work and pain. 

Then there was Gigi and Crystal. Their relationship just grew and flourished in the best way possible.

  


_ You never live what you once lived. And you only live a love once.  _

_ That one time. _

_ The time when next to the car, in that chaotic noon traffic and honking, you asked me for forgiveness - you, who didn't even know me, who asked me for forgiveness. And I, without knowing what for, why. And you tell me: for having discovered you only now, what did I do all this time before I met you? _

_ I knew I was yours as soon as you told me you were mine.  _

_ And we didn't even need words. There was an untouchable silence in the midst of chaos. You grabbed my hand and took me with you, we saw the sea, the mouth of the river, all the monuments we had already seen dozens of times but never together and so it was as if we had never seen them, the city at rush hour was the most beautiful city ever (I still feel the world stop when the traffic light turns red, waiting for you to look me in the eye and ask me forgiveness without me knowing why; and then, that day, you told me <<to kiss you without permission>>, and you kissed me, the people around us ignored that the most beautiful thing of my life was happening, if they had known it they would have applauded, I'm sure; one should only applaud happiness). _

_ We were exactly what we could be and for that reason what we should never have been.  _

_ Every day we created unforgettable moments - and nothing is more painful than unforgettable moments that we know are unrepeatable. They remain within us, deep within us, as part of who we are, as a structural part of who we are.  _

  


Crystal was so focused on writing that she didn't notice that Gigi was there, with the camera in her hand, craving her kisses, as always. She called her, Crystal turned around, she snapped. Then she asked her what she was writing. Crystal smiled, squeezed her shoulders and simply said she was writing to give more value to what she was living. She also said that this was the purpose of writing: to make us understand the value of what life has to offer. Gigi didn't understand, but she kissed her like it was the first time. Crystal kissed her back. And she only asked her for a second. She missed the last sentence. Gigi smiled and caressed her hair. She started writing.

  


_ But the most important thing is to believe in life. _

_   
_

As soon as she finished, Gigi gave her a hand to get up from the towel resting on the sand. Crystal grabbed it and pulled herself up, almost dropping the other one backwards into the sand. Gigi held on to her and then they laughed together and exchanged another kiss. 

That was going to be a special day, but Crystal didn't know it yet. 

They spent the afternoon at the beach, in the very place where they'd been together years earlier. Gigi still remembered Crystal's blue dress and how they had run along the shore laughing. She felt like she was reliving those special moments and when she looked at her girlfriend she could still see that light in her that had never ceased to shine. 

They still loved each other as when they were two little girls, or maybe even more. Crystal and Gigi had become women now and the desire to stay together for the rest of their lives had become an awareness. They could never live apart, without each other's love. They were soul mates. They had that particular interconnectedness that bound them with a single destiny: to meet, life after life, and to evolve together along spiritual evolution. They stimulated and helped each other in their growth, often coming to the rescue of the other, precisely because in the first place, soul mates have a destiny to reach, based on past lives already lived.

Crystal and Gigi always felt at home, theirs was a special relationship, in which they did not need to act, pretend or appear, because the affinity that bound them was deep, as if they had known each other forever. 

The sunset that day was the most beautiful ever. The sky was painted blue with some pink spots, a sight more unique than rare. The sun gave the landscape an orangey light that still warmed their faces and shone on the surface of the water. It was setting right on the horizon as in the drawing of a child and the couple looked at it enchanted. 

Crystal held her arms around Gigi's waist, her chin resting on one shoulder, close enough to her jaw to be able to place small kisses. Gigi had squeezed herself close to her, placing her hands on the other one's, with a smile on her lips. It was the right time. 

\- Crys? - Gigi called her almost quietly, her hands began to shake. Crystal looked at her, her dark eyes looked even more beautiful than ever. Those who said they preferred blue eyes to brown eyes had never seen Crystal's - according to Gigi.

\- Tell me, love - she answered her gently. Gigi untied their embrace and turned towards her, taking her hands. She squeezed them tightly between hers, as if she were afraid of letting her escape. 

Crystal smiled, even though she didn't understand what Gigi wanted to say to her and why she began to tremble excitedly.

The raven-haired girl took a second, took a deep breath, and then finally, she spoke.

\- Crystal, I want you to know I'm insufficient. I want you to know that I'm deficient. I want you to know that I'm fallible, maybe even incorrigible. I want you to know that I sin to want you too much or to crave you too much or to protect you too much or to seek you too much or to feel you too much. I want you to know that if there is no excess there is no love. I want you to know that sometimes I say what I shouldn't say, or I do what I shouldn't do, but I do it so that nothing can interrupt us. I want you to know that I could be better, infinitely better, but I have never been better than you have already made me be. I want you to know that I get irritated when maybe I shouldn't, that I get anxious when maybe I shouldn't, that I insist when maybe I shouldn't, that I’m stubborn when maybe I shouldn't. I want you to know that I am sorry for all the tears I made you cry, for all the tears I cried for you - but I am even more sorry for all the decisions I made out of fear of tears. I want you to know that to love is also to cry, that to love is also to go beyond. I want you to know that growing old with you is the most beautiful part of growing old. I want you to know there's a little bit of madness in us, and thank goodness for that. I want you to know there's a little bit of sweetness in us, and thank goodness. I want you to know that I'm as sentimental as I am incoherent, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't do anything. I want you to know that if only there was a life, you'd be the woman of my life. And if there was more than one, you'd still be the woman of my life. 

So... Crystal, you wanna be the woman of my life forever? - Gigi finished her speech with shiny eyes and then pulled out of the small pocket of the sweatshirt she'd worn, a little box. She got down on one knee, just like in the movies, opened the box and handed it to Crystal.

The latter had felt happiness explode in her chest like a bomb. Gigi, had just asked her to be hers forever. Crystal leapt happy, now her easy tears flowed down her face.

\- Yes, Gigi! Of course I do! - the girl jumped around her neck, making Gigi lose her balance and ending up on top of her. They remained embraced on the wet sand of the shore, with a few waves coming in lightly. Gigi held Crystal in her arms. They both cried with joy. Every positive emotion you could ever feel was pouring out of them and into them. And again, it seemed to be those little girls who, bathed by the waves of the sea, had joined in a promise of love...And this time it was eternal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sadly, we've come to the end of "Cry"...I wanted to thank you all for reading my story, for all the support and the love I've been receving. I'm so happy, for real, this means so much to me.   
> I promise I'll come back very soon with another story 🤞🏻   
> I love u all, very much and again: THANK YOU ❤️


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